Hi everyone! I thought I’d update you all about my personalities. So, this is going to be an update to my previous two alter personality videos. If you would like to see those, I’ll have annotations and links in the description. [Part 1 | Part 2] However, this video is going to be rather different, in that it’s going to be about clarification regarding those past two videos in addition to answering the question, “Do I still have alters?”
To begin, those past two videos, primarily the first one, received so much attention, and continues to receive a decent amount of attention, especially compared to all my other videos. It’s my most viewed and commented video and I struggle to understand why. It is filled with so much hate as well, and that’s the first thing I want to talk about. The word ‘fake’ is what many people see it as. But here’s the question, “Was I faking what I was doing in the video? Was it for attention and sympathy from others?” In other words, was I faking having dissociative identity disorder? If I had to give a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response, it would be ‘yes’ in addition to ‘no.’ The answer to this question is much more complex which I will share now.
I started living full-time as a woman in 2012 and things finally felt right to me. But, all that pain and abuse I had been through when I was a child was buried deep inside of me. Being unable to be a female pre-transition was holding me back from expressing how that past abuse made me feel. There were so many repressed memories that whenever someone made me think about my past, I immediately shut down. I had no idea what happened in my past and the abuse I endured, and thus blocked it out and said, “My childhood was terrible and I don’t want to think or talk about it. It was emotionally scarring.” But, those memories don’t stay buried forever, and when I transitioned and became happy with myself, that was the trigger for these memories to emerge. I’m going to give a metaphor here. Let’s say each bad memory I had from the past I put behind a door. Whenever something negative happened, that was forced onto the other side of the door. Beyond this door was all that pain and I just wanted to avoid it. As time went on, more and more was being pushed in there until the room beyond the door just couldn’t hold anymore. Let’s say me transitioning was the key to let this out before it exploded open. When I transitioned in 2012, some traumatic events happened and it triggered this door to become unlocked. Here comes all the pain and past issues I had, like I had reverted to my past self pre-transition. However, the memory of what happened to me in the past was still invisible to me, in that I didn’t know what was really going on.
In early 2013, before my surgery, I started seeing a therapist to help with this trauma. However, it was primarily in the middle of 2014 or so when we got to the core problems I had. These things being paranoia, delusions, trauma, as well as dissociation which she saw first hand which was a direct result of the trauma. She actually watched my YouTube videos to help get a better idea of my problems since it was so difficult and embarrassing for me to verbalize them right in front of her. After I made a video going back to my childhood and teenage years, it took a toll on me, but my therapist watched it and we went more into detail about each little part of the video so she could help me with my problems. There were many moments of crying in her office due to the release of all this buildup of emotion I had. It was so relieving to express it and get it out. But, that is when something negative began to form. Each time I would leave the office, on my way back home I would dissociate and would be yelled at by the various voices in my head. Things like, “Why would you share that about me? You don’t deserve to get better. You deserve to live a miserable life filled with pain and suffering. You should kill yourself right now, but that would be the easy way out so you should continue to suffer in this living nightmare.” After many months of dealing with that, things changed to when I was actually dissociating in her office. When I got to some of the serious things to talk about in her office, I would go into her office and the next thing I knew I was leaving her office and didn’t know what just happened. This is when I was switching into a different personality to protect what I was trying to share with her. And, it got to the point that we talked about recording it, but that was when 2015 came around and those problems subsided, which I’ll discuss in just a moment.
The personality that came forward in her office initially was the one calling me fake from the first ‘Meet My Alters’ video. I’ll talk about that one in a bit, but I mostly discussed how that one came to be and how I managed to overcome it in ‘Meet My Alters (part 2),’ in addition to my subpersonalities video. I’ll have annotations and links in the description. [Subpersonalities] Anyway, after the one calling me fake subsided, it was the one from the second part that was labeled as the ‘controller’ that finally came forward. It would go to the therapy, or rather come out in therapy, and tell her that it controlled everything and that therapy was there to do more harm to me than good. Saying that I was going to therapy to make my problems worse and that she couldn’t stop it. My therapist was concerned about this and said that she cannot have a goal that will hurt me. It kept saying that it was playing a game with her this entire time, and she was trying to understand it, and I didn’t understand it either after she told me what happened. It was aggressive and sneaky and she could certainly tell that I was not there in front of her. While I don’t remember in full detail what happened, it was like watching myself behaving this way and yet not having any control over my actions. Then it said it had no use for the conversation and left. Then I came back to myself in therapy and felt so embarrassed and began to cry because it was so draining, stressful, and humiliating to say those things and behave that way and not have it be me doing it. The memory I would have was bits and pieces of what happened and mostly right before it left. She definitely saw what had happened, many times when it happened near the end of 2014, and we talked about it, especially since every time I would go in there it would come out within a few minutes. She suggested to record it and I felt a bit uneasy about it, but agreed. However, before we could arrange a date to record the session, things began to take a positive turn.
How I overcame the controller was actually mostly about how I felt about myself. There was a very special friend I made primarily at the beginning of 2015 that ensured me that I would overcome this controlling personality. She knew, as did I, that she was going to be the one that would help me overcome it. I didn’t know how, and it certainly made its presence known during our time as being friends, as well as I think being part of how the relationship ended. But, she helped me by showing me so much kindness, acceptance, and love. She was like a soul mate to me. I’m not going to go into detail about that here since I already have in my soul mates video, which I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description. [Soul Mates] But, she made a huge impact on me from the relationship we had, in addition to the aftermath of the breaking off communication. All of it was essential for my healing and that’s exactly what happened. Since then I learned to love myself more and accept the person I am. From that moment forward, those problems I had became practically non-existent. I don’t have those dissociation moments anymore. I don’t have the trauma coming back to relive itself since it’s been addressed and I’ve overcome it. I don’t fear my own thoughts or doubt myself. Essentially what I’m trying to say is those problems from the past are no longer affecting me. I don’t have that paranoia and can trust others now and have made so many wonderful friends that truly care about me, all while my own fears of them betraying and leaving me are non-existent. I don’t fear showing compassion for others and receive it in return since I know that I do deserve to be loved and cared for. No more of that ‘I don’t deserve it’ type of thinking where I doubted myself and thought I didn’t deserve positive people and good things in my life. No more fearing my past and the trauma I endured to get to where I am today. Rather, I embrace and accept the person I am. And, the relationship I had in early 2015 made me realize that I’m worth so much more than what I initially thought of myself when I had the majority of my problems.
So, the question at the beginning was, “Was I faking what I was doing in the video? Was it for attention and sympathy from others?” The answer is a ‘yes’ and a ‘no.’ And here’s why. It was only when people started calling me fake that I started to doubt myself and question myself. This turned into a more dramatic attempt to prove to people that I was dealing with something serious. But, my main goal through all of this was not for sympathy, but rather to help myself and understand myself so I could get better. I wanted so desperately to heal and overcome my own problems. The therapist saw the videos which again was part of my therapy since at the time I couldn’t tell her or anyone how I was feeling because I feared being judged. That is the primary reason why the videos existed in the first place. But, I did fake some things, I did lie about things, I was wrong and continue to be wrong about any advice or information I give since it’s my own personal experience and perspective on the matter. But, at the end of the day here is what I’ve concluded, and this can help anyone else who also is in a similar situation that feels they are faking what they are doing. I’ve concluded that even if I was faking and lying about everything, whether it be a direct lie for sympathy, such as for narcissistic purposes, or even if it was denial and I wasn’t able to see how I was faking, that is proof that something very real is going on. The moment I would doubt myself and began to think that I was fake, I then thought about my past and the trauma I endured, and it all added up and it verified that what I was struggling with was something very real. Maybe it wasn’t DID, or maybe it was. It doesn’t matter to me anymore and is not relevant. My traumatic past proved to me that what I was presenting was real to me. It was my reality and what I felt about myself. If I was also faking it all for attention and sympathy, is that also not a part of the abuse I endured? Or rather, the constant abandonment I experienced by my mother, relatives I loved, friends, as well as being neglected by the same people. I wanted my mother’s attention when I was a child, and I never got it. That did make me an attention seeker to a degree when my problems started to emerge since I wanted that attention I never got growing up. Either way, no matter how you look at it, there was something very real going on. I know for me, it was how I presented it since it felt real to me, and it’s how I managed to overcome my problems.
These alter personalities were all here and all represented the abuse I endured and things I was struggle with. Yes, they were manifestations of trauma within myself that were making me aware of my denial so I could accept them and move on with my life. All these personalities were there for me to recognize areas of my life that I needed to work on and improve. This is the reason they existed and the reason why now they are gone, because I’ve addressed why they existed in the first place. So, there is no longer use for them since I’ve overcome what they were trying to tell me. They were here to help me recover. Now, any kind of different personality is just me expressing different aspects of myself. There is no dissociation anymore and I am at peace with myself. We all have different sides to our personality, and through all of this I’ve recognized my various sides that are normal for me and am able to express myself the way I desire without fear of dissociation, or trauma, or bad memories coming back.
The sexual alter represented sexual problems I had growing up, with myself and my body image as well as the repression of my sexual desires. The child alter represented my innocent side of the female childhood I never had. I had a chaotic childhood and a childhood as a boy. Both of which was the complete opposite of what I wanted. The host personality was my traumatic past reliving itself and feeling inferior. The alter calling me fake originated from people on YouTube calling me fake and a liar. I let this affect me and denied it instead of letting it go. So, it formed this personality. In order to take its power away, I had to learn to not let other’s opinion’s influence how I felt about myself. I knew I wasn’t faking, yet it was when I doubted myself that it manifested. So, how I managed to overcome it was to accept that people will have different views than I do. But, it’s just their opinions and views, while I have my experience and knowledge of my own life. I don’t need to accept someone else’s views if they are not my own since I will stick true to myself and my own views. And finally the controller personality, the last and final obstacle I have overcome, was my own insecurities about myself and to move past that point of no return of healing. In other words, it was a test life was giving me saying, “This is your final obstacle to overcome. You can fail and regress and not be able to move on from your problems. Or you can pass to be free from the problems and be able to live a happy life free from loneliness. This life will give you the ability to truly love and accept yourself. The choice is yours.” Sure enough, I passed the test, I chose success, and achieved the life I have always wanted from the very beginning. It was so difficult getting there and I never thought I could do it. But I did. I overcame the problems. And, the people I’ve met along my way that have aided with my healing have made such a wonderful positive change on me. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and helped me through these rough times.
Thank you very much for listening to my story. I hope this could clear up my life and how I managed to overcome one of the hardest things for me. Trauma is never easy to deal with, and I am just one person that has managed to overcome the grip it held on me, and you can as well. Anyone else dealing with any sort of problem like this, it is possible to move on from this. It will not be an easy task, and there may be many setbacks, but in the end you can overcome any problem you put your mind to and be the person you’ve always wanted to be. Please feel free to share with me your experiences and I wish you all the very best life you can make for yourself. Thank you for watching!
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