There is a lot of doubt. Should I have transitioned at all?
It has been a decade since my sex reassignment surgery, and the honest truth is that I wish I never did it. I wish there was another way, but there wasn’t. I thought it would make me happier, and initially it did, but now the only real benefit is day-to-day activities, not having to worry about a bulge in my pants. Was that worth the constant issues I’ve had, the dilation I have to do for the rest of my life, for the dramatically reduced sex drive and lack of sensation? I thought it was worth it initially, but I was wrong.
I do not believe in regret. This decision I made that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I cannot predict how things would be if I stayed with my old parts, but even if I did, that would’ve eventually become unusable since estrogen destroys the male anatomy. You cannot get erections and have a diminished sex drive.
Then I thought that since my body is constantly trying to heal after surgery, since it considers it to be an open wound, then has that destroyed my immune system, making it harder to actually heal from serious infection and injury? I don’t know the answers to that, but I feel like I have destroyed my body and my life with surgery and hormones. The issues I had very early on should’ve been indications to me that I should not have done this, but I hated my male self so much that I needed to, and now there is no way to go back.
To be clear, I have no intention of detransitioning, nor do I wish to present as a male, but I also will never know if the physical issues I have today would be resolved if I never transitioned at all, or was able to see if they normalized by going back. If I had known about the irreversible physical damage I caused my body, and me denying it, thinking it was for the best, then I would’ve never done any of this.
Since I don’t believe in regret, I must face the physical and mental challenges head on to do my best to live the highest quality life possible. Even though the hormones and surgery have wreaked havoc on my body, and now my mind, I have to keep pushing through for the best quality life I possibly can. That is also my words of advice for you. No matter how hard it is, or mistakes you’ve made in the past, these things happened so you can learn from them. Don’t be like me and deny problems until it’s too late. Rather, address them so you can be happier and live a healthier life.
Let me know how this works for you. Have a great day!
In 2022 is when I started to realize that I made a mistake with my transition, largely because of health issues that I contributed to the surgery and hormones. I’ll never know the answer, so the best I can do is live the best quality of life I can, even if it is hard.