Summary: My mental health has been a rollercoaster since I was young. Here is the story of what it was like for me in the past, and how it is now.

I am going to share with you the story of my journey through my mental health challenges and how I managed to deal with them. If you’ve been following me for a while, you may know a decent chunk of this information, but it’s always good to look back and see progress, and it’s amazing how much I’ve changed.

Ever since I was a child, I knew I was different. I had intense shyness around others, couldn’t make friends easily, and struggled to have conversations. There are a multitude of factors that caused this. For one, I was not comfortable with who I was. As someone who is transgender, being born a boy, yet not feeling like a boy, it is a struggle each day, but that didn’t really kick in until puberty. But, it still could’ve had an impact when I was younger.

The other challenge was that I felt unwanted and unloved by my mother. A child needs their mother, and while I had grandparents that were loving, it’s different with your parents. My father was not in the picture, and other family members on that side got close and abandoned me. Each day that went by was more and more of a way for me to try to get attention from my mother, a person who didn’t want me when I was a baby. Then when I turned five, my sister was born, which is what my mother truly wanted. She didn’t want a boy, she wanted a girl. Any chance I had at getting my mother’s attention went out the window at this point.

The verbal and physical abuse got so bad that I developed a terrible anger problem. Every little thing would set me off into a range. But, there was a voice within my head, almost like a guardian angel, telling me that everything will be alright. This calming voice helped me see things more rationally. With the increasing abuse and abandonment from my mother, I then moved in with my grandmother. It took quite a while for my anger to settle down a bit, but it eventually decreased. All this happened before age ten.

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School during this time was never easy for me. It was hard to make friends, I was shy, and other kids made fun of me. I also had a problem with using the bathroom at school. I would hold it all day since I dreaded going into the bathroom. This even continued when I was in high school. When I was younger though, there were times that I made accidents in class as a result of me holding it too long.

My entire life changed when I hit puberty. I became a recluse, hated myself and the world, and developed severe paranoia. I put black construction paper on my windows since I knew others were looking in, even thinking they were aiming a sniper rifle at me to kill me. I didn’t trust my family and would put a little piece of paper where my door shut to see if they had been in my room when I wasn’t around. I was so insecure with myself that I would sit in the back seat when riding with my grandmother, and talk to her at home with a barrier between us, such as a flower, or a wall. I didn’t want anyone to look at me since I felt ugly and insecure. I had such hatred towards myself and couldn’t look in the mirror and would wish for my death, but it never came. A lot of this ties in with the struggle I had with my gender identity.

School during my teenage years was rough since it became even harder to make friends. Everyone viewed me as weird and strange. I would wear the same set of clothes each day. I had a handful of pairs of clothing that was almost all the same, largely because I couldn’t find my style since I did not want to express myself out of fear of judgment. Kids would bully me more than before, physically and mentally abusing me, even spreading rumors about me that weren’t true. One even created a fake social media profile of me, making my sexual orientation ‘gay’ on the profile, and then friending people in my classes.

I was so glad when high school was over, but my problems didn’t stop. For a brief period of time I focused on a business venture and it took my mind off the struggle of my life. The underlying problems were still there, such as shyness, awkwardness, communication problems, anxiety, and paranoia, but I was feeling better. But, it didn’t take long for the desire to become female again set in and I had to transition.

Upon transitioning, I went to a therapist since my mental health took a nosedive. I was more suspicious of people, thinking they were going to poison my food when at a restaurant. My family was noticing problems and different personalities talking to them, and overall I wasn’t in good shape. The transition is what allowed all the negativity and repressed memories to come flying out. Almost like if you shake a soda can so much that it just explodes. This was a blessing in disguise since while I felt worse, it was good to get this all out for me to address.

I went to a therapist for multiple years, being diagnosed with a variety of things such as schizotypal personality disorder and/or schizoaffective disorder, anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. During those years of seeing my therapist, I made a miraculous recovery, sharing all the things that caused me problems.

I stopped going when I felt ready to face the world, but the world never stops presenting challenges. There have been numerous challenges since then, but with the people I’ve met, and my closest friends, I’ve learned and grown so much. And, I want to thank all of you as well since you’ve helped me become a stronger person. It was because of you that I kept going and never gave up. You’ve helped more than you realize.

These days I do not have nearly as much anxiety as I use it, nor am I as suspicious. It is still hard for me to have proper communication with people, and I often do not go out of my way to meet new people. But, overall my mental health has improved tremendously. While there’s still more work to be done, I know that I’m in a much better place now than I have been due to finally being happy with the person I am.

If you are struggling with any mental health issues, realize that it does get better if you put in the time and effort to work on yourself and improve your life. Thank you so very much. Have a great day!

Additional Info

I think it was good to sum up how things were for me as a child and how it is now. It was amazing to see the improvements. I’ve gone through so much and am proud of the person I am now. While I still have some problems, likely issues that are just part of my personality now, I am still able to function much more than I did in the past.

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