Coming to Terms with Your Past – The Three Step Process

If you are stuck in the past, then these three steps will help you come to terms with what happened back then.


When you have a traumatic past where you’ve dealt with abuse, abandonment, bullies, and other circumstances that negatively affect your mental health, you may feel that you cannot move on and end up holding grudges and want to seek revenge. Dealing with trauma from the past will make you hate the people that did you wrong as you may want to get back at them and do the same thing to them as they’ve done to you. Your inability to forgive and let go prevents you from moving on. Because of this, you’ll even struggle to make friends and have healthy relationships because you’re still stuck in the past. Things may have been so bad that you are in denial and not even want to talk about or acknowledge the abuse you endured, making things even worse. If this sounds like you, then it’s time to move on from your past and come to terms with it. Be sure to check out my in-depth course on how to overcome your trauma if you would like even more information.

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Step one is to realize that what happened to you in the past is not your fault and lessen guilt. If you were abused, abandoned, and even had narcissistic parents who gaslighted you into thinking you were to blame, then it’s understandable you would blame yourself for things that happened in the past. This is unresolved guilt and it carries over into the present as you blame yourself for friends abandoning you, missed job opportunities, and so on. You belittle yourself to such a degree that everything is your fault and it brings you down.

Step two is forgiveness of yourself and others. This can only be done after you’ve become more stable and no longer have anger towards the person who did you wrong, and no longer hate yourself for going through what you did. Are you able to forgive people who wronged you in the past, who abused you, bullied you, traumatized you and cost you many years of anguish? If you said ‘no,’ then you are not yet ready and need to work on lessening your anger and need for revenge. If you are able to forgive yourself first, then forgiving the abuser will be easier, but it takes time. You have to remove yourself from the negative environment, give yourself some time, and begin to heal by forgiving yourself for all the hatred and negative energy you’ve accumulated. Hatred, grudges, and revenge all fall under the category. Once you’ve forgiven yourself, then you can forgive the person who did this to you. It doesn’t have to be directly to the person, but an elimination of hatred and anger, then forgiveness, towards those who wronged you shows how mature you are and are ready to move on from this. If you cannot forgive, then you’re not willing to move on. This is a conscious choice.

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And the third and final step is growth and realizing how far you’ve come in your journey. Maybe your entire life has been rough, but it has taught you something, no? Surely you can take something positive out of the negative situation, no? Yes, you can and it comes down to being analytical about what has happened to you over the years, how you let others walk over you, control you, and you then blame yourself. Even though it wasn’t your fault that they did these horrible things, your reaction to it is entirely your choice. And when you are removed from the negative situation, then the choice is entirely yours. This is why it’s important to see how much you’ve grown and what lessons life was giving you over the years to make you a better person. This happened for a reason, and it’s up to you to make something positive of it. Help others, be an inspiration, and show how strong of a person you really are when everyone else doubted you.

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No matter how difficult things are in the world and our lives, we can take something positive from it and become a better person. Find your purpose and drive and go for it. The only person who can and should control you, is you. No one else can do that, so don’t let them do it. Forgive yourself and others for their wrong doings and you’ll radiate confidence and maturity.

Let me know how this works for you. Have a great day!

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Additional Info

I used to have hatred towards those who wronged me, fantasizing about getting revenge on them, yet I would only feel worse. Over the years I’ve learned to let it go and not take it so seriously. Even those who did serious emotional harm to me I have forgiven and moved on from. Not just that, but also being grateful for their abuse since it made me a better person capable of helping others. Surely life is not easy and I deal with a variety of problems. Oh how much easier my life would be if this never happened. But, I also wouldn’t be able to help others and that’s my main goal in life.

Published: (updated: )

Mental & Physical HealthTrauma

About the Author

Autumn Asphodel
Autumn Asphodel helps others live a better life through natural means, hard work, and dedication.

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