Coming Out as Transgender / Transsexual
Summary: Some tips on coming out as transgender / transsexual to family and friends. As well as how I came out as a male to female.
Table of Contents
Introduction
Hi everyone! This video is going to be about coming out as transgender. I’m going to be talking about how I came out and some tips that can help you come out to your family and friends.
Coming out as gay or lesbian is more easily accepted by not only the person you are telling, but also society. Many people are confused about what being transgender is. A lost of people confuse it with sexual orientation. People who are trans can have any sexual orientation. They could be straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or anything else. Being trans has nothing to do with sexual orientation and many people just don’t get this. Being trans is gender identity, being gay or lesbian is sexual orientation. Two very different things.
Personally, I consider myself an asexual lesbian. I am attracted to females, or rather femininity. I don’t experience sexual attraction. Specifically, I am demisexual, which means that I only experience sexual attraction once a strong emotional connection has been formed. The more I get to know the person and understand them for who they really are, the more I can be attracted to them. So, I was a male, who identified as female. That is my gender identity. Then my sexual orientation is lesbian since I am attracted to females. And, this is probably one of the biggest areas people are confused about. Well, that and the disgust many people have with those who transition and change their sex.
But anyway, let me share how I came out as a male to female.
My Coming Out Story
Now I will share my coming out story. If you would like to know more about my transition, please watch my video on it. [My Transition] I came out to my grandmother and two friends. My only friends at the time. It was in 2010 that the feelings of wanting to be a female started to come back to me stronger than ever, because the feelings were gone for a little while as I was focusing my life on something else at the time. I started doing so much research, and more importantly, watched tons of people on YouTube who were also male to female and transitioning. From hormone videos, to clothing and living full-time. I gained so much insight and knowledge just from watching these people’s videos from this large community of trans people online.
Back then, I never thought I could pass as a female. I saw these people online and thought, “I will never be as feminine and passable as them.” But, when I actually transitioned, that just wasn’t the case. I do pass and look feminine and I never thought that could happen.
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But anyway, I needed to transition, so on August 1st, 2010 my grandmother found out. She could tell I was depressed and down about something due to my increased isolation. I told her that I needed to tell her something very important. The first thing she, and all others that later found out, thought that I was gay. And I said to her, “No, it’s a lot more complex then that.” I had her guess because I just couldn’t tell her. She eventually guessed, “You are a female trapped in a male’s body.” And I said, “Maybe.” And she’s like, “It’s either yes or no.” So, I shook my head yes. And she was like, “Oh, that is a lot more difficult.”
We were talking for a while about how long I felt this way and what I wanted to do. She was concerned for my safety and what might happen since there are a lot of hate crimes against those in the LGBT community. Additionally, she was also concerned about how I was going to dress, act, walk, and talk. She was seeing the male me right there and couldn’t visualize the female me. And, neither could I at the time.
I also said that I would still be attracted to females. And, while she was very informed about what being transgender was since she had seen many documentaries on television prior to me coming out to her, she said, “Well, maybe you should have sex with a girl first before living as a female.” And, looking back on that now she said that she doesn’t know why she said that. I think it was just hard for her to accept the fact that her grandson was going to become her granddaughter and perhaps me having a relationship with a female first may change things.
I started therapy shortly thereafter which really helped express my feelings of what I wanted to do. I never had any intention of starting hormones until after surgery, and the only surgery I was considering was an orchiectomy, or removal of the testicles.
My grandmother slowly told the rest of the family which were all very supportive and accepting of me. Many people were depressed and upset for a while afterwards since they thought they were losing the male me. My sister was quite excited though since she said she could have a sister now.
After about a whole year after coming out to my grandmother I did start hormones and started living full-time shortly thereafter. Then my mind changed about surgery. I needed to have surgery to be complete in my eyes. So, during my transition, my mind changed about hormones and surgery. A lot of people have said to me that they don’t know if they are willing to start hormones and especially not surgery. But, be prepared because you may change your mind once you start living the way you want.
It was in 2012 that I started living full-time and when I told my two friends who were male. I did the same thing with both of them at different times. I was already living full-time at that point. My hair was longer than they were use to and I had makeup on. I actually covered myself up in a hoodie and wore glasses so they could not see through. So, everything was covered up and they couldn’t tell.
I told them that there was something different about me this time that was very important. And, I asked them if they knew what transgender was and I explained it to them and said that is me. That I am a female that was born in a male’s body so I needed to change my body to represent what I felt I was on the inside. I took my glasses and hoodie off and the one I told was like, “Oh wow!” Because I looked female and different from the last time they saw me.
But, they both accepted me and didn’t think I was some weirdo or creep or anything. Congratulating me on finally being able to be happy and be myself. So, that was great. So, everyone in my life has been very accepting and supportive which I am very thankful for since things could be so much harder if that wasn’t the case. However, the one friend I told I really don’t communicate with at all anymore.
In the present day, I really don’t associate with anyone outside of YouTube. So, the people online already know about me. I don’t need to come out to people. I’m not all that into making friendships. I have a friend that I have known since the fifth grade and we still talk occasionally. As well as another one that I made at the end of 2013. That is more than enough for me. I really only need one good friend in my life, if that, and I am very thankful for the two I do have that have accepted me throughout everything and continue talking with me. Even though I do, at times, many times, want to push everyone away and want nothing to do with them.
You know, so many people say how hard it is to believe that “someone like me” could not have all that many friends and have never been in a relationship or dated or been kissed, or any of that. And I just, I don’t get it. I don’t know where that comes from. I don’t get it. I am someone who likes isolation. As I said, one friend that I talk with occasionally is enough for me, and I already have that so I don’t have any desire to make friends with anyone else. That’s me, that’s my personality, and that’s what I like. Simple as that.
Tips For Coming Out
Now, I’m going to give you all some tips on how you can come out to your family and friends. Telling your family, friends, or anyone else is difficult. There are many ways to come out to your family and friends. You can do so in a letter, detailing all your thoughts and emotions carefully planned out ahead of time, or in verbal communication when you are with them. I do not advise coming out over the phone, email, or text. If you cannot be right there with the person you are coming out to, it may be best to use some sort of face to face online video communication service.
Another thing I highly recommend if you are unsure about what you want to do, is talk first with a therapist or someone who will not judge. Talking about how you are feeling and what you want to do will give you better insight into yourself and make it easier to come out to those closer to you.
Next, you need to have a plan and have the answers to the questions the people you are coming out to may ask. Be prepared. The person you are coming out to may be confused and not know what transgender is. So educate them as to what being transgender means to you, how long you have felt this way, and what you want to do during your transition. If you are not considering hormones or surgery, make note of that but also keep in mind that you may change your mind. Say that you are not considering this yet, but you may in the near future.
Also, talk about clothing and that you will physically change your appearance. You will look, act, and talk differently, but you are essentially the same person deep down. Many people you tell can become depressed for a while, which is perfectly normal. However, some people may not take you seriously, like you are joking. And, no matter how much you try and have a serious talk with them, it’s like they’re not even listening. Really the only thing you can do about this is to continue on with your transition and they will eventually see how serious you were about it. But again, always be careful, thoughtful, and consider what they may think.
Another thing to consider is the reactions of the person you are telling. Coming out as gay or lesbian is more easily accepted by others and society than transgender is. Not everyone is going to be positive and accepting. You may lose friends, or even your family. And, that really disgusts me that some people’s friends and family are not accepting to them that they think they are freaks and ostracize them. I’m not saying it will happen to you, be definitely be careful who you tell since they may tell someone else who could really harm you.
When it comes to dealing with people who are not supportive after you tell them, you need to have a backup plan. For instance, if your family kicks you out of the house for trying to be you, then perhaps have a plan to stay with a friend in the meantime. Always think ahead since you may not know how someone will react until it is too late.
Dealing with people who are abusive and violent towards you, it’s best to just leave it alone and not engage the behavior. Be calm about it and express how depressing it is for you to live the way you are now and how much happier you will be when you transition. Also, express how upset it makes you that they are not accepting to you when they should be, no matter what.
And lastly, another important factor is the timing. The time when you are ready and when you think they will be ready. Just because you may be ready, doesn’t mean they are. If the person you are coming out to is going through a lot of stress and is very frustrated, it’s best to wait it out until it passes. Otherwise, you could be in for something you may not be prepared for.
So, I hope this video was helpful and informative. Thanks for watching!
Additional Info
Coming out was very difficult for me, and for many others that have been in contact with me. I think one of the major things is that people fear being judged. They think their family and friends will reject them. And while this doesn’t happen with all trans people, it’s a shame that it does happen to others.
Regarding the video, I recorded it while in the midst of thinking about suicide a lot. The reason was that one of my videos was share on reddit and a bunch of people came over and verbally attacked me. I was in such a bad place and it was so difficult to even push through, but I did my best since I knew forcing myself would make things better, which it certainly did after a bit of time. In fact, a very wonderful person was being so nice in the middle of all the mean comments I was receiving and I even reached out to this person and thanked them for all the positivity they were giving me because they really helped get me out of that negative space. I’m very thankful that we met and had the chance to communicate!
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