Hi everyone! I thought I’d share a significant trauma I experience when I was on an online dating site. It devastated me so badly and contributed greatly to my PTSD. But, I believe discussing the trauma can help one overcome it. So, that’s the reason I’m doing this. If you want to know my views and experience with dating and relationships, then please watch my previous video on that. [Dating & Relationships]
This story has been trimmed down significantly, with many parts left out. Though, it is still quite lengthy and complex.
I joined a free online dating site when I thought I was ready to communicate with people. I was pessimistic about finding anyone that was even the slightest bit similar to me, mainly because no one I ever met in person was anything like me. Within the first day on being on the site, I did a search and found someone with a 99% match and 0% enemy. In other words, a perfect match. I was like, “No way!” I read over her profile and never in my life have I ever felt like I found someone that I could finally relate to. The similarities were uncanny. I started going over the questions, answering the ones I hadn’t yet, and what made it even more awesome was that we gave the same explanations. I was so thrilled that I found someone that I could finally relate to and possibly become very good friends with. I knew I had to message her, which is usually very difficult for me, but it felt like I knew her so I wasn’t really intimidated by the idea. The message focused on a question in particular which we shared a very strong opinion on. Her name was Cynthia.
Shortly thereafter, I found three additional profiles of the same girl. What through me for a loop was that one active profile stated she had a girlfriend, which was not indicated on her primary one.
The following day, I got a response from her briefly discussing the topic I messaged her about. But, later went on to say that I reminded her a lot of her boyfriend. WHAT?! She said that she just lost her virginity to him and they would want to engage in a three-way with me. OH MY GOSH! I immediately started pacing around the house like, “What, did I just read that?” I began to think multiple things, like she has some serious mental health issue and either cannot control what she says or she is completely delusional, making it all up. I didn’t want to judge anyone like this since that’s not the kind of person I am. I responded to her in hopes she would explain what the issues were since I could sense something was off. She also talked about an ex she had that was trolling her from fake accounts. And, the first thing that came to my mind was, “I hope she doesn’t think I am this ex of hers.”
I got a response going into explicit detail about what her and her boyfriend just did sexually. I mean, measurements and sizes, tastes, colors, positions they tried, saying that she cannot live without sex ever again. OH MY GOSH!!! I was like what is wrong with her. She ended with saying, “I love you so fucking much.” I was absolutely terrified at this point, but continued to respond since I could tell something wasn’t right. I specifically said how horrified I was at reading all that, and I felt so terrified to the point that I said, “Aw, I love you too.” Because I felt pressured into doing it. And, there was no response to that.
A few days later, I got a message from one of her other accounts saying, “You are so incredibly pedantic in everything you write. In fact, it loses supposition in how educated you really are. NO ONE writes like that. Were you using a thesaurus the whole time?! Get a life and stop trolling us on here. Ass.” I was so hurt and confused by this. Also, there was no way she could say, “No one writes like that,” because her profiles were equally, if not better well written than mine. That just so happened to be my birthday as well which ruined my day. I felt like all this was a trap, but I apologized if she thought I was someone I wasn’t.
Over the next week or so, she viewed my profile every day, and it freaked me out. Especially when I was on there, and would see in the corner that she just viewed me, and I had to immediately log off. I became so incredibly paranoid of her, like she was out get me. This was the moment that I realized how off my thinking was, like why would I be scared of her?
Some time went by and I couldn’t take it anymore and asked her for the truth. She actually responded. She said she thought I was an ex of her’s trolling her because my profile seemed off due to the fact that we matched up perfectly, including our writing. And, the fact that I was able to figure out the other profiles were her. I’m not stupid you know. It was easy to spot the same profile. But, she said, “How can a girl like her, claim that she NEVER has even had a first kiss before?!” What do you mean by that? And, she said that she still had some doubt about my legitimacy, but would like to have “voice-verification” just to be sure. That amused me since that is exactly what I would say if I were unsure of someone.
Anyway, I respond to prove that I was who I claimed to be and was way too impulsive. I told her so much about myself, almost practically where I lived. And, this freaked me out the following day when I read it. This is a very bad impulse I have. But, she gladly responded saying that it meant a lot to her that I could be open about those things and that she would get back to me shortly. This is when things started to take a very bad turn.
Sometime after someone messages me that seemed remarkably similar to Cynthia. I mean, it was as if the tables turned and I was the one doing the accusing of this person. Even how they looked were similar, but I could tell they were different people. Her name was Brianna. After some time I realized that it was in fact not Cynthia, though the thought still remained in the back of my mind. We started talking quite a bit and I soon realized that she was the only one that showed this level of interest in getting to know me. We started to become very good friends.
Shortly after this, it turned out I was talking with someone else that claimed to be an ex of Cynthia’s. At this point I thought it was all a joke. Like, how could I possibly be talking with an ex? Oh my gosh, it’s too coincidental. But, I felt so bad for this ex since she really seemed to be upset and having a hard time with the breakup. She just kept saying, “You remind me a lot of my ex; You talk a lot like my ex; That’s what my ex does.” Ehhh… But, I felt so sorry for her, even though I felt like this was all a game someone was playing on me. She did tell me Cynthia’s first name, since it was not indicated on her profile. And, immediately after I knew her name, I went, “There’s something about that name.” I don’t know exactly what, but there was just something about it.
Sometime later, Cynthia and I were talking again and I brought up this whole conversation with this ex of hers. She suggested a phone conversation which shocked me, but I thought about it and agreed. I was actually quite excited for it since I hadn’t talked with anyone over the phone in many years so I thought I could actually start communicating with her. We arranged a date, which just so happened to be the following day. And, the day came, and wouldn’t you know it, she never responded to give me the number to call. I was pissed, disappointed, and felt so foolish that I fell for another lie. But, here’s the interesting thing, a friends of hers viewed me that night, so I knew she didn’t forget. I mean, if something was up, why not just be upfront and honest about it instead of hurting someone else’s feelings. I made a very bad decision and actually messaged this friend and told her what was going on and she responded saying how busy Cynthia was.
Some time went by and I felt like I needed to end this properly. I sent a message to Cynthia that I thought was a nice message, but I did seem kinda like I was obsessed with her. You would not believe the hateful, disrespectful message I got in response. First off, it wasn’t even from her, it was her friend that sent it. It went on to say that I was patronizing, selfish, vain, that I was enamored with her life, saying I talk in circles and constantly repeat myself. Criticizing my mental health issues. They were being incredibly immature and hypocritical, and my friend from the site, Brianna, saw it the same and helped me understand the situation even better.
At this point I wasn’t going to sit around and be bullied any longer. So, I wrote back an incredibly vile message. Going into detail, quoting her profile, pointing out the contradictions. Saying she was incredibly insulting, playing head games, and seemed to neglect what she did wrong, but was quick to judge me for my faults. Saying, “If you truly are who you say you are, then why wasn’t it evident from the beginning?”
I said, “How is it that she can state that she has these qualities of being nonjudgmental and yet neglect to demonstrate them? Is it intentional that she portrays herself as an open, honest, and kind individual that enjoys listening and getting to know others, when in reality she does not actually posses these qualities? I don’t know, it’s pure speculation assisted by personal experience.”
After all that, of course there was no response to that disrespectful message. But, it really started to affect me. And, I just had to leave the site and take a break. At this point I began talking with my friend that I made on the site, Brianna, via email. And, let me tell ya, I don’t give my email out to anyone, not even my family. So, that goes to show how much I was able to trust her. I felt we had a great friendship. She kept getting closer and closer to me, and I didn’t understand it and was terrified since I didn’t want to be hurt. I don’t know how, but I felt like I could trust her 100% and call her a best friend, something I’ve never really had. I felt like I could share anything with her and she would continue to talk with me, unlike everyone else has done. But, I did notice a drop in interest from when we first started talking. It just wasn’t the same. There was something in the back of my mind telling me to not trust her, telling me she was somehow involved in this whole mess somehow. But, I ignored that since I felt she was trustworthy.
I would send ridiculously long message, 23,000 characters to her. That’s just insane. She didn’t respond, and weeks go by and I ask what’s up and she said she was very busy and didn’t have a chance to reply. So, I suggested we keep it short so we can communicate more frequently. And, we really never talked again. I was so devastated that someone that close to me was now no longer in my life. It hurt me so badly. And, I noticed she would go on the dating site everyday, multiple times, for who knows how long, yet, didn’t have any time to communicate with me?
Some months went by and I realized what I did wrong on the dating site and so I logged back on and apologized to Cynthia for getting involved in matters that didn’t concern me, and being so ignorant. I was not expecting anything in return, but deep down all I wanted to hear back was, “I’m sorry,” and to know why she did this to me. How could someone feel good about themselves for doing this to someone. I mean, a great deal of it was my fault, getting involved in the first place, but not all of it.
In the end, it had such an impact on me., I don’t know what to think. Perhaps this was all intentional, or another thought was she has dissociative identity disorder. I don’t know, and I won’t jump to any conclusions. On the positive side, I learned so much about myself, and would not be the same person I am today. But, on the negative side, I go through periods of absolute terror of everyone involved, hearing them insult me, reliving the moment over and over again, making me cry so badly. There really isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it, and that’s very bad.
I am no longer actively using the dating site, and I have great fear of returning. I made no friends, or am talking with anyone from there. Now, it makes me questioning everyone I communicate with, wondering if she is somehow involved. It’s ridiculous, especially when life throws these crazy “coincidences” at me that make me wonder, and remind me of the situation. But, there were some very shady people I spoke with online that seemed to create a profile, talk with me about a topic that no one else brought up, and then delete their account after a few conversations. This happened multiple times, and it makes me wonder if she was behind any of it. I know I sound self-centered by saying that, but it’s just that I’m so paranoid of the situation. Also, part of me believes that the good friend I made on there, Brianna, is somehow involved with Cynthia. I can’t say for certain, but it just all adds up.
Really, the only thing that would make everything so much better would be for her to know just how badly she hurt me. But, I know she would never want to speak with me again for all the weird messages I sent, especially towards the end.
If anyone involved in this event was actually watching this video, OHOHOHOH, I don’t know. She would probably be pissed, like, “You’re still talking about this?”
Here is some extra information that made things very interesting. The first is, during the beginning phases of this I received a poem from Cynthia that didn’t make any sense. But, I really liked it. It was so unique and interesting. I’ve practically memorized the whole thing because I think it’s awesome. I still want to know about that.
The next interesting thing was, I started going to a psychologist after all this transpired, and guess what her name was? Yeah, Cynthia, and she too went by a different name. But no, that’s not all. I had testing done by a friend of my psychologist. She had the same name of one of Cynthia’s friends from the dating site. OH MY GOSH!!! That is so weird! WHY???
And lastly, and probably the strangest of all, was the fact that throughout this whole situation, I had many premonitions that came true shortly thereafter. At first it started out as being exactly what was about it happen. But, as time went on, they got more complex and harder to decipher. I guess it was to prepare me for what was about to occur. I don’t know, it’s just I’ve never had so many premonitions that came true about the same situation. It’s very strange and interesting to me.
So, that’s that. If you’ve stuck around for the entire story, thank you very much!
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This was one of the strangest things that has ever happened in my entire life. Despite the number of people that would discredit this as a traumatic event, it WAS traumatic for me. Main reason being, it was the past reliving itself…bullied, abandoned, not feeling significant or worthy of having friends. What this person did to me was so devastating that I could hear her and her friend insulting me in my mind and I was so paranoid that she would come to my house and hurt me. It was such a bad point in my life. I even wished that she saw this video so she would know how badly she hurt me. But, I was also terrified of the idea of her seeing it. I even contemplated sending her a message on the dating site pointing her in the direction of this video, but I decided against the idea.
But, I learned a lot from this experience. This was life changing for me. I learned so much about myself, became interested in psychology and the mind, and got a better understanding of myself and what I want in my life. It took a while to get to a stable place after this event since I felt as though I lost my mind during it, but I made it through and learned from it.
To this day I still think of it, still remember her, her friends, her multiple boyfriends / girlfriends, multiple profiles on the dating site, other dating sites, Facebook, etc. (I’m a bit of a cyberstalker!) But, it no longer has a negative effect on me. Instead, I see what happened as a lesson learned and have grown from it. Also, it is interesting that this is my 8th video that was posted on the 8th day of the 8th month at 8pm. How fascinating, right?! 8888