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Hi everyone! In this video I’d thought I’d share my dating and relationship experience. The first place to begin would be to say that I have never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never been asked on one, or asked someone out, or even been kissed. So, I am totally 100% inexperienced when it comes to relationships. People seem to be intimidated by this and find it hard to believe. Why is that?
To clarify, I identify as female, and am attracted to females. So, I am gay, a lesbian. Though I am also asexual. I don’t experience sexual attraction, or have any interest in it, despite the fact that I am attracted to femininity. Specifically, I am demisexual, which is a term I more recently came to know. It means that the individual only feels sexual attraction once a strong emotional connection has been formed. So, the more I get to know the person and understand them for who they are, the more I may be attracted to them.
Though, I’ve found that no one has ever been interested in me. No one has ever told me they liked me or genuinely found me interesting. Only one person, outside the family, has said, “I love you.” And, that was not genuine at all. Before transitioning, I think a lot of this was because I hated myself. When you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you and be loved by you? After my transition, I actually loved myself, so I thought things could change. I was optimistic about it.
But, I find that the more I tell someone about myself, the less interested they are. People seem to be only interested in me because of my appearance, which is a big insult. It’s nice to hear positive comments about your appearance, but when that’s all people see because they don’t seem to like you for who you are on the inside, that is incredibly offensive. Anyone who begins a conversation about my appearance may not be someone I would want to continue speaking with.
Though, I don’t know how to have proper conversations with others. I’ve never learned proper communication skills. I mean, this isn’t something they teach you in class, you learn from socializing. And, when you are ostracized, not able to learn those valuable communication skills, people see you differently.
My conversations with most people seem to drop off. Partly because I come of as a creepy stalker weirdo. I seem to have a great ability to truly understand someone without much communication. I could be talking with someone and pick up on things without them telling me, and that freaks some people out. Like, “How did you know that about me?” Or, “How do you know where I live?”
But also, people are like, “Oh, she’s a transgender lesbian Goth bipolar multiple-personality schizophrenic.” Yeah, that’s a lot, and I do come out with that all at once which freaks people out. And, all those things I could be singled out for and made fun. Which I have. People think it’s weird that I was born a male and now live as a female, while men think they can change my sexual orientation. Others tell me I dress in a strange way, “Why does everything have to be black?” That I need to get a grip on my emotions because they are out of control. Asking me, “Which alter ego are you today?” While thinking I’m crazy for being paranoid and delusional.
Nobody seems to understand, or is accepting to me in my entirety. And, I know I sound very negative with saying this, but I don’t feel as though there is someone than can truly accept me since it is just too much for someone else to handle. I can’t imagine sharing my life with someone. I just don’t see it happening. Plus, I am incredibly selective with the people I choose to associate with. We must be friends first for a long time before I even consider a romantic relationship. On top of that, I try to avoid friendships and relationships at all cost. It’s not that I don’t want them, because I truly do, it’s just that I don’t want to be hurt. If someone will not be in my life for the rest of it, then I rather not get involved with them at all because I would be devastated to lose them. I can’t handle being rejected, so I just avoid it. I have very severe trust and insecurity issues from all the lies and deceit I have encountered. Though, I think if someone does manage to come into my life, and I truly can trust them, I don’t think it will be long before I become very paranoid and delusional. Accusing them of going behind my back, lying, cheating, and doing other things that would make me not want to be with them anymore.
So, all I know is being alone, no one being interested, and being betrayed, deceived, and lied to. So naturally, by default, I’m going to think the same of everyone I encounter. Why would I think otherwise if everyone I have met up ’till this point in my life has treated me the same? I’ve never felt loved or accepted, when that’s really all I want. I’ve never felt like I belong or fit in anywhere, always feeling like an outcast.
Shortly after I truly began to love and accept myself, I said, “Why not try an online dating site?” Since I felt as though I was ready. Of course being completely pessimistic about finding anyone even a tad bit similar to me. I was terrified by the idea of joining a dating site, but thought I needed to actually start communicating with people.
I joined a free dating site called OkCupid. I am not going to pay to find friends and relationships since I don’t feel a price should be put on such things. But, since it’s free, there are going to be a lot of creeps and fakes, which I encountered plenty of. So, you have to be very careful.
Anyway, I really like the site. How it works is you answers multiple choice questions about yourself that other users create. These can be anything, and some are really disgusting. There are options for what you would answer, what you prefer a partner to answer, and how important the question is. So, for example, if a question asked if I would date a smoker, I would answer ‘no,’ choose ‘no’ for my partner’s response, and make the relevance ‘very important’ or ‘mandatory.’ If you don’t care, you can choose both options for the partner’s answer, which would make the question irrelevant. Depending on how other people answer the questions will determine the percentages. When someone answers the way you want, it will raise the match percent. But, if they answer the opposite, it increases the enemy percent.
I ended up answering several thousand questions on there because I really liked it. Yeah, I’m a loser. But, I learned so much about myself by answering questions. Despite how much I enjoyed it, a very traumatic event took place on there that made me so incredibly terrified that I couldn’t be on there anymore. I do plan on discussing this tragic incident in my next video for anyone who is interested. [Dating Site Catastrophe] But anyway, I would like to share some interesting, funny, and also disrespectful messages with you all.
I guess the first interesting thing was, when I first joined, I apparently had a very attractive photo of myself up because I got tons of views and messages about my appearance. And, within the first two weeks, I got an official message from OkCupid saying:
“You are Hot!
We just detected that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid.
We learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something? Well, it’s working!
To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your OkCupid experience:
You’ll see more attractive people in your match results.
This won’t affect your match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you. You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people.
Sign in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t let this go to your head.”
Oh gosh! That was interesting. Shortly thereafter, I decided to change my profile picture and the views significantly dropped. I later changed it again where my hair was covering my face, and it dropped even lower. Gosh, that goes to show just how interested people are in appearances.
Anyway, onto messages. Let’s start with ones that were about my appearance, which were flattering, but eh.
First one was:
WM: You’re a cutie ;-)
WM: are you on fb? id like to see more pics:)
A: Yeah, I am on Facebook and you’re not going to find it or see any pics.
WM: surprised to see someone like you on here…figured someone woulda taken you a while back…i need to find someone with your looks one day :)
Other interesting messages were:
WM: Hey. I saw we were a match on here. I was just wondering what you’re looking for.
A: You want to know what I’m looking for. I’ll tell you what I’m looking for, someone who is not going to ask me what I’m looking for. That’s what I am looking for.
WM: You know, one of the questions that I loved reading was the one about falling in love with someone you met just online. As crazy as it sounds, it has happened to me before a few times. Your heart just feels that love if you truly have a connection with someone. Have you experienced that at all?
A: Sorry. I know what you’re getting at.
Onto weird messages. Both of these were guys who thought they could change my sexual orientation. The first one which I unfortunately deleted the message said:
WM: Can I hypnotize you to be my slave?
Ok, you wanna play games now don’t you. So I was like:
A: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, YESSSS!!!!! IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HYPNOTIZE A LESBIAN!!!!!
He said something like:
WM: Sure, when would you like to have it done.
And, I was like:
A: RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!!
And he said something like:
WM: We can do it over the phone.
And I didn’t say anything and logged out. When I went back on a few hours later he commented again saying:
WM: What happened?
But, the funniest part was that his account was banned.
Another weird one was:
WM: sup bbygurl should def come over tonight i have no planz
i’m kamran [PHONE NUMBER] idc if you’re a lesbian we’ll just keep our play a secret ;)
I would love to display his number on here, but I am resisting the urge to do so.
Lastly, it’s time for the disrespectful messages. One wrote:
WM: I think we would get along well. Do you like complex intellectual conversations about intricate and contradictory emotions too?
You don’t think I can tell you are being sarcastic. I just played along and wrote:
A: Hi, sure, I can’t say that I have really discussed that particular thing, but it sounds interesting! =) Let me know!
The next was:
WM: good luck with your pseudointellectualism and preconceived notions about altered mental states lol
Come on, why do you gotta be so rude? Interesting story, I stalked her on Facebook way before seeing her online. So, I responded:
A: I see…I wasn’t going to respond to this disrespectful message, but I see that you are friends with one of mine on Facebook. So, I know about you already….
I’m such a creep.
So, that sums up my dating and relationship experience. None. Thanks for watching!
My relationship experience consists of…well nothing in all honestly. No one has ever been interested in me that way. I’ve always felt like an outcast, unloved, not accepted by anyone. As a result, I lost interest in any kind of relationship, including friendships. Back when I made this video, I was much harder on myself, labeling myself, blaming others for not liking me, when it was actually me that was causing my own problems. I would say the person didn’t like me for this and that reason, yet it was me judging myself, anticipating this due to past experiences and being conditioned to not love or accept love.