Do you desire to be close to someone, yet push them away? Why is that and what can you do about it? Find out now.
Hi everyone! We are going to be discussing wanting closeness, yet pushing people away. Being close with another person makes us feel wanted and loved. It feels good to us and is completely natural and part of the human experience here in this physical world. Many of us may want closeness with others, whether it be close friendships or even romantic relationships. But, some of us who desire this closeness have never experienced it, and/or push people away before they get too close. We may desire closeness, yet push others away and it can make us feel even more alone in this world. We may even blame others for our loneliness instead of taking responsibility ourselves by saying that it was because of us that we are lonely by pushing others away. Or we may even go to the other extreme and think that we are to blame for everything. If you know someone, like a friend, that has suddenly stopped talking with you, then you may want to look into my video about why friends suddenly stop talking. I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description. [Why Friends Stop Talking]
So why is it that we push others away? Let’s talk about that now.
Why Do We Push People Away
There are a variety of reasons we push people away. One being fear. Fear of being hurt, rejected, or of something new we’ve never had. Being close to someone, friendship or romantic relationship, makes us emotionally invested in the individual. We begin to focus our time and energy on this person. It would hurt us if they did something to go against our wishes, deceived us, or even if something were to happen to them. So, we may want to avoid the pain than to actual experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer. We end it before it begins so we could avoid any possible pain.
The fear of rejection ties into this as well since we may have been rejected so many times in our lives that it’s affected us so bad. We may even try to keep someone in our lives by clinging onto them and/or doing anything for them to keep them from leaving our lives, because of fear. And even the fear of the unknown, and meeting new people can scare us since we never know what may happen.
Another reason we may push others away is because we think we don’t deserve it. Again, going back to childhood, perhaps we were raised in a manner or have experienced certain traumas that made us feel unworthy and unloved, making us feel undeserving of friendships and love. While me may think we don’t deserve these types of connections, it’s often due to fears of not being good enough and insecure with ourselves that cause this.
Emotional problems is another reason we may push others away. Depression and wanting isolation may make us feel worthless and want to keep our distance from others and only be with ourselves and our own thoughts. We may then push others away, or it may appear as such to other people because we neglect them and isolate ourselves from them.
And another reason begin that it’s not the right time. Essentially what this means is that it may not be the right time in your life to meet a particular person, or it could seem like too much. Let’s say a person comes into our lives that is perfect, like a perfect ideal romantic relationship for us. But, it is a bit too much for us right now. Meaning that they are just too good for us at this given time, since we may feel like we have a lot of work to do on ourselves first.
So how can we then overcome this obstacle of wanting closeness and yet pushing others away? We’ll talk about that now.
Overcoming the obstacle of pushing others away primarily has to do with building your own confidence and self-esteem. The reason why this is number one is because it is the root of most of these types of issues. We push people away because we may fear that they will judge something about us. But, what if we didn’t think this way and were confident without these fears? What if we could say that we can instead of we can’t? It would result in the fear being non-existent. We would not push people away for this reason. The steps of building your confidence also come from the following.
Another way of overcoming the obstacle of pushing others away and building your own confidence is to come to terms with past traumas and fears causing current behavior. When you have been through traumatic experiences and constant rejection, your mind becomes conditioned to think that others are out to do you harm. However, this is simply what your mind wants you to believe based on past experiences. The past does not have to define you unless you let it. By tackling the issue from the origin, you will be able to rationally think about current and future relationships that are completely unrelated to past ones. I have a video dedicated to overcoming trauma and abuse that I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description that goes into much more detail in this area. [Overcoming Trauma]
Understand that learning experiences form connections. What this means is that by learning from past experiences, you can make better connections in the future. Just like the trauma example, if you have yet to overcome the trauma, people will come into your life that will make it seem like you are reliving it all over again. If, however, you learn from these past mistakes and problems you have had, you will be able to form connections, little by little, that are closer and closer to your ideal connection with someone. Don’t confuse rejection with failure. You are not a failure if someone rejects you.
Perhaps you are one that branches out slightly and do form a slight bond with someone, but you tend to be too needy and impatient, with constant fears that the other person hates you. Learn to give them space and communicate with them about your fears of abandonment. Sometimes those that have abandonment issues from the past that continue to stay with them presently, often come off as needy, demanding, and emotional. If you don’t give them what they want, when they want it, it could upset them and make them feel like they are being abandoned all over again.
I wanted to briefly touch on my own experience with abandonment problems and pushing people away. For those of you who may not be familiar with my past, I was abandoned by many people in my life which caused me to feel alone in this world. I began to think everyone was out to do me harm and hurt me. When I would begin to connect with someone, I would push them away due to fear of them hurting me. I never let myself experience any kind of friendships. I would feel insecure, and not deserving. In my mind, it was alright for me to make them leave by me saying something ridiculous or not talking with them again because I felt it would be better to let them down before they could hurt me. And in the end, I was just causing myself more pain by not allowing myself to trust others.
I am not like this at all now. I don’t have those thoughts of, “What if they hate me? How am I going to keep them in my life? I don’t want them to hurt me.” There may be a faint voice I hear saying this when I meet someone new, but it’s so faint that I don’t believe it or act upon it, which is what I use to do. How I overcame this was to begin to allow people in my life, and meeting people who began to accept all of me. With continued allowing them close and closer to my heart, I began to trust them. Those fears and abandonment issues began to slowly melt away. Essentially what I am saying is that in order for me to overcome this problem, I had to dive right into it and allow myself to experience closeness, in addition to the pain of losing those close to me. I didn’t let it control me. Additionally, I also learned to let the person be them, and for me to be me. I didn’t try to control them or make them stay. They stay willingly.
In conclusion, there are a variety of reasons we push others away. Some of which being fear, not feeling deserving, and even emotional problems. Overcoming this obstacle mostly has to do with building confidence, overcoming past traumas, and learning from your mistakes. I hope this video was informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!
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I have great experience pushing others away, so this topic was very meaningful and relatable to me. I dealt with abandonment problems for so many years until I began to let people in. I’m very happy I managed to overcome this since I now have some of the most amazing people in my life!