Hello everyone! After more than a month, I am back. I am a completely different person than I was prior, in both a positive and negative way. I have several health problems I will be discussing in this video. It is quite a bit of information, so I value your viewership, and especially if you can relate. Please let me know how you manage these problems if you have them since I’m having a difficult time managing mine. First off, I want to thank all of you that have given me so much support during this time in my life. I truly do appreciate your love and positivity. Thank you. During the past month, I’ve been going through a lot. Most of it being physical health problems, which then caused me to develop mental stress, primarily severe depression.
I’ve changed a lot during my break, both in a positive and negative way. I’ve learned a lot about life and myself, and just learned to not take things so serious and obsessively. I’m so much more laid back and relaxed now than I was prior. I am more spontaneous and don’t plan as much now and obsess over it. But, the negative comes into play when I didn’t want to do anything or talk with anyone. Gosh, I just wanted to leave it all behind. Goodbye people who message me, goodbye YouTube, goodbye everything and everyone that knew me prior, it’s time for a new life. I wanted to focus more on my health due to the health problems I’ll be mentioning in just a moment. Just like I focused on my mental health when I was struggling by making videos and researching information, I want to do similar with my physical health. I think my health problems came more to the surface due to the constant neglect of my physical body and focusing on the psychology of the mind as I have been doing the past several years. Perhaps I want to be some fitness instructor or personal trainer. At the least, I want to do something that involves physical labor. I dislike with a passion now being on the computer. Oh gosh, I just can’t stand it. I’ve been taking care of some plants recently which are just lovely, so maybe do some work in that industry. In other words, I don’t know if I want to continue on with YouTube in general, or rather, that I don’t really have the desire to help others with psychological struggles. That’s not my main focus right now.
During my time off, it felt like I became someone I was not familiar with. I have taken on ailments, thoughts, and many other things that just were not part of me prior, or they intensified if they were present. Like a foreign entity has attached itself to me or I have resonated with other’s problems, physically and mentally. Not having any sort of schedule has made me so lazy. It caused lot of problems not having anything planned. I spent most of my time off sleeping and being lazy. That’s ok until you’re doing it for like a month or so and don’t want to do anything. But, I did want to do some things, but it became difficult due to the health problems I was experiencing.
What worsened during my break was physical pain and breathing. It started around 2015 when I had some minor pain occasionally, some shortness of breath. But, when 2016 rolled around I was starting to become in agony each and every day and the breathing problems got worse. I see an endocrinologist regularly and there was nothing suspicious in my blood work, even while the issues were at their worst. I even went to my surgeon again which I’ll discuss in just a moment which is all related to my other body pain.
All the time I would be on the computer, I use to just ignore the pain in the past, which is why I never really felt it. But, when I took my break and got off the computer for an extended period of time that is when it all came and hit me. I had severe muscle pain, mostly in my upper back and neck. You could hear all the noises of tight muscles when I would move them, in addition to many times being unable to move my body because it was very tight. My muscles get easily agitated and inflamed, and they always have. I felt my bones were weakening and like the cartilage, especially in my knees, was diminishing since I would be in pain from sitting even just for like five minutes. I would have pain mostly in my neck, upper back, hips, knees, and fingers, and it kept getting worse. Each morning I would wake up in agony and stiffness. I thought it was my bed, but I tried another bed that I knew I was comfortable in and some nights I was good, others it was terrible. I even got a new mattress and the same thing happened for a while.
Other health concerns were that I have dry skin, which peels in some spots. I thought it was related to it being winter and cold weather. It didn’t matter what lotion I used since my skin never hydrated. I drank plenty of water, used different lotions, and it was still dry. When spring rolled around I thought it would go away, but my skin remains so dry. It wasn’t itchy, but just dry. My skin has been an orange and yellow color, which I think that’s mostly related to my diet of foods high in vitamin A, including carrots, but I don’t know anyone else who has had these symptoms so drastically since it’s very orange. Feet, hands, knees, and elbows are very orange and it’s not like I’m overdoing the vegetables and fruits. Related to food, there were plenty of times where I had no appetite and just didn’t eat much. I certainly don’t eat as much as I use to because I’m not hungry. My weight fluctuates so rapidly as it is, so it’s nothing new. Other problems are that I am always tired. I could close my eyes and just instantly fall asleep. This has prevented me from doing my usual meditation since I fall asleep immediately. When I sleep for the night, I don’t feel like I got much sleep the following morning. I’m still very tired, tense, shallow breathing, and not feeling well. I’ve had very little dreams on top of that and they are not as vivid and I don’t remember them, which is something I greatly miss.
For someone who eats healthy, exercises, does yoga, isn’t on any synthetic drugs or chemicals, and believes in natural, organic foods and care, and was doing meditation and sleeping well, you would think I was a healthy person. But, I’m far from it. So, I decided to track my food intake and do more intense workouts with a personal trainer app on my phone. I noticed with the diet app that I was consuming more sodium than I was potassium. I’ve been trying to increase my potassium intake which I do most days now, but my condition is not getting any better. My workouts are nice and have helped me feel a bit better, but at times I just can’t do it due to either pain or my breathing, which is the next thing to touch on.
As I mentioned earlier, I had some breathing problems begin in 2015, but it was on occasion where I felt a shortness of breath. In 2016 it got to the point where I was out of breath all the time it seemed. Just walking down the stairs made me out of breath, like I just ran a marathon. It made it nearly impossible for me to workout because I couldn’t continue on. I went from 15 minutes a day down to 8 or even less at times. The best way I can describe the breathing problem is to take a breath in and not be able to fully breathe in. It felt like a blockage in my upper chest. When I did manage to breathe into that area, it felt amazing, but it was rare. I thought it was related to foods I was eating, vitamins I was taking, or just not moving around and exercising. But, nothing correlated with it. The one thing it did correlate with was eating in general. I would wake up in the morning sometimes being able to breathe, feeling good, but after breakfast it was difficult and I got so tired as a result. It wasn’t what I was eating, but just eating in general since it would happen after lunch too, which was the worst for me. I literally felt like crap with my pain and breathing from the moment I woke up until about 6 or 7pm. Then I would feel great. But by then, it was almost time to go back to bed and repeat the whole thing again the following day.
Because of all the muscle soreness and pain, including the dry skin, lack of energy, and brain fog, I thought it was due to low testosterone. I know that after the surgery I had that testosterone can get very low, and mine was. So, I ended up taking an over-the-counter, natural hormone steroid that naturally occurs in the body which is the second closest thing to testosterone. I took that and felt amazing. The brain fog cleared up, I had a ton of energy, no pain, no difficulty breathing, increased sex drive. All signs of things feeling right again. But, that lasted a few weeks before the effects started to wear off. Then I felt like crap again and started to feel even worse.
Regardless, I thought another problem was my poor posture on the computer. Maybe my head was too far forward and my spine being out of alignment causing me pain. So, I decided to go to a chiropractor to see if it could help. I didn’t get a good feeling about it right from day one for the simple fact that there was a lot of people who are just in and out of there very quickly, me hearing a woman say she was on a ‘maintenance plan,’ and also because the doctor’s room has two parts and the next patient can hear what is going on with the current patient. That just creeped me out. I was waiting and the same woman was being treated in the next room, and you couldn’t see anything, but you can hear everything since it’s open on the top and on the side of the wall. And the doctor was saying how she is having problems because she isn’t coming in to see him enough. That all just made me feel a bit uneasy and like I shouldn’t trust the doctor. But, I gave it a shot to see what he could do for me because I wanted to feel better.
The chiropractor had me get X-rays and I kept a copy for myself and was just horrified when I saw my spine. It explained all the pain and problems I’ve had for years. As you can see from the photo, my spine is curved to the left side of my body. It was so clear to me seeing this photo that this was the source of my problems. For years I’ve had problems with my left side of my body. Even when I was about 12 or 13 I had back problems and got X-rays, but no one mentioned a curved spine. But, I always have had pain on the left side of my body. If I try to stand up straight, my body curves with my left shoulder usually being higher than my right. It’s even visible in videos I’ve done on YouTube, but I didn’t know the cause. But, my spine is the reason for this. It is like a scoliosis spine and I desperately wanted a solution to the curvature and from the pain.
When the chiropractor saw my spine, he assured me that it could be corrected. There were no problems with my head being too far forward since the major problem was my curved spine which primarily stemmed from my lower back. He didn’t want to say it was scoliosis because it wasn’t curved enough according to him, but that is irrelevant since the curve on my spine is why I’m experiencing the side effects and pain. The chiropractor did some treatments, which felt very short and rushed and it didn’t really do much for me. I left there feeling slightly better, but by the time I got in my car, it was back. The second visit I felt nothing different, but the third helped slightly. However, I decided to put off going back for a bit. Reason being that I have to pay out of pocket, and also because I want to really think about if it’s doing anything for me.
But, since seeing the chiropractor I have purchased a muscle roller. This thing is amazing. When I first started using it, I could barely do it on my upper back. Now, it’s not really difficult at all. Since I worked out the upper back, the bulk of my problems reside in my lower back. There are days that it hurts so bad that I can hardly move or bend over. I decided to purchase two braces for my back. One is for the lower back which is amazing. The other is to keep proper posture of the upper back which I use when on the computer. It’s not comfortable, but it prevents me from making the problem worse.
I went back to my surgeon around the middle of all this, but feared any additional surgery since I didn’t think my body was healthy enough for it. To refresh your memory, I’ve had granulation tissue inside the vagina since like three to six months post-op. It was treated several times and kept coming back. It was a whole year since I was last at the surgeon’s office and she recommended I see her specifically. Well, there is no granulation tissue. Everything has healed fine. Everything should be good without any pain. It turns out that the pain that I experience is due to a nerve in the area. Guess what side it’s on? My left side where all the other problems are. There is nothing she can do to remedy the problem since it’s a nerve. Although she recommended I get tested for fibromyalgia. I was just so upset because that would mean yet another doctor and another problem wrong with me. I haven’t gotten tested yet, but that would explain a lot too. Or maybe the pain is just related to my curved spine. Maybe if that gets corrected then my nerve pain will be no more. She recommended I begin taking testosterone. So, currently I’m on a pure testosterone cream prescribed by my surgeon’s office instead of the over-the-counter hormone. I haven’t been on it long, and fortunately insurance covers it. But, it’s too early to gauge how it’ll affect me in the long run. I’m hoping it helps, I really do. I’m always hopeful, but most things don’t help or stop working after the first month.
As for my breathing problems, they still exist. Sometimes it’ll be shortness of breath as I described earlier where I get extremely fatigued while I’m doing the simplest of activities. Or other times it’ll be a nasty cough that you can hear the congestion in my lungs. Maybe it’s just allergies, but it was like this in winter too, not just spring and summer. Nothing seems to cause it, but a few things help it which I wanted to share. There is an exercise I did as part of my workout routine called the plank twist that helps. You get into a plank position and then put one arm up while twisting your body, and then put it down and repeat with the other arm. I breathe out when coming down and notice that after a few times, it feels like an extra breath is being exhaled. The more I do it, the more it clears my lungs.
Another thing that helps is eucalyptus oil. I breathe it in, hold it in for a second, and breathe out and after a few times I feel I can get more oxygen to my body and feel better. Sometimes theses two methods don’t work, and neither work for the cough or getting rid of the congestion in the lungs, so I looked diligently online and found a few herbs that could benefit me. Along with eucalyptus, I also discovered mullein. I bought both herbs and you are supposed to get it into your lungs directly to help alleviate the problems. In other words, you smoke it. That’s the most natural way, and I was seriously considering it. I have never smoked but if you heard my cough you would think otherwise. All the herbs seemed to really be able to help the lungs so I was excited to try it out. However, I was not fond of the idea of smoking since I don’t care what it is, continued smoking and exposure to smoke of any kind can’t possibly be good in the long-term. Short-term it can help, but it’s not something I wanted to get into. So, I ended up purchasing a vaporizer and am waiting to try that out. Again, I’m hopeful. Another herb I discovered that has helped with my pain is mugwort. I’ve used it by ingesting it, and as an oil in a diffuser. But, I will try it out with the vaporizer when I get it. It is very relaxing and alleviates the pain and puts me into a good mood. The only problem is that I heard that you shouldn’t use it regularly, which I think is what I need until my pain is more manageable and under control.
What about drugs? Yeah, I don’t know about them either. Well, let’s say that I’m not taking any drugs of the sort, but for some reason I have such a strong desire to. Like, so bad I just want to do them and experience what it’s like, for no real reason. Well, it’s not escapism, but rather that I guess I want to experience something other than this human existence since it’s so frustrating. Now, let’s back up here for a minute and let me say that I would never do any sort of substance that would hurt me. Drugs I define as man-made, synthetic compounds. So technically, I would not do any drug of the sort. I believe in only natural, organic substances. So, if it’s something synthetic, or not an herb or plant, get it away from me. I would never put anything in me that would cause problems. I’ve thought about growing certain substances, how I could possibly get them, since I don’t have a clue. I don’t know anyone and wouldn’t trust it unless it was all natural and organic. I’m not opposed to these types of things, just the reasons for it I suppose. I’m all for it, and have been for many years. But, I’m not when it comes to those that abuse or incorrectly use it. As with anything, there is a difference between something you are using or doing to ultimately help yourself feel better, live better, and enhance the quality of your life verses something that you do to escape the negative aspects of your life and abuse the substance or activity. So, maybe in a way I feel as though it would help me, but I have no idea and don’t think I would know anytime soon. It’s all strange since I’ve never been one to desire this sort of thing like so bad. It’s very out of character for me. And, now I think about it like non-stop.
I’m trying so hard, but sometimes it’s like I just want to give up, and part of me has. I mean, I’ve done so much to help myself and be healthy. If you saw what I ate, my workout, and how I treat myself, you would think I would be of good health. But I’m not and feel like complete crap at times and seem to not be getting any better. I want so desperately to feel good and healthy, but when you try so many things and nothing seems to make a difference and intensifies the problems further, it’s like what’s the point. It felt like I was at the top. I loved myself, I loved my life, I loved helping people, meeting people, and learning and growing. And now, I feel as though all that was just taken away from me. Everything I once had seems gone now. I can’t properly think straight anymore, my thoughts no longer form and I am always having brain fog, being unable to have the creative, innovative, and insightful thinking I once had not too long ago, and I have no desire or drive in my life, despising this physical manifestation of constant pain and health problems.
Depression, yes depression, it’s something that I dealt with greatly recently. The depression was so different than it was years ago. Back then, I hated myself, didn’t have any friends, thought people hated me and was paranoid of them, and felt worthless and put myself down. But now, I love myself and know I’m worthy of love, and people are there for me and care, and yet depression still comes up. I was feeling so down and low for many reasons, mostly having to do with my physical health and feeling like garbage. I just didn’t see the point in anything. I felt like I was trapped in this human body and there is so much more to life. Why must I be confined to this human body, this physical existence? The responsibility of taking care of this physical body is not one I want. You have to feed it, stretch it, move it, make sure it gets enough rest. It’s so annoying and I’m so done with it. Why must it be this way? That was my thinking and it felt like I was just trapped living in this never ending nightmare of taking care of this physical human body. There is so much more we have to do to take care of ourselves and it’s so tedious. You just want a break from having the responsibilities of cooking and preparing meals for this thing, which then you have to eat and digest the food to acquire the energy. It’s so annoying and just doesn’t end. Day after day after day with no break ever. I just wanted something more than having to take care of this thing all the time. But, you have to or else your body dies. This is where I didn’t care about life, or rather this physical life, anymore. I know full well there’s more than just this physical existence, and that’s all I wanted since having to care for this vessel we reside in in this physical plane is so time consuming and tedious. I was just done with all of it and it made me frustrated that there was no way to go beyond just this physical existence. No matter what you do, you come back to this physical world. Whether it be in this vessel you are in now, or another physical entity where you start over and have to, once again, figure out why you are here and care for this piece of work.
So, that’s what I’ve been dealing with for a while now and it’s getting worse. I’m still trying to find ways of dealing with these physical symptoms and ailments, and I think immersing myself in this physical world and doing so much exercise and being active would help greatly. I don’t know at this time if I want to continue with making videos at all to be honest. I have one video I recorded before my break I can share, and another that I want to try to do a collaborate on with a friend. But other than that, I don’t know if this is the right thing for me at this point in my life. [Health Update] I’m still trying to figure out a lot and where I belong, so we’ll see what happens. I do appreciate all the love and support though. You’ve helped me and I’m glad I could help you. Thank you!
After more than a month, I needed to return to let people know what has been going on. Unfortunately, it was difficult to even come back to this and even more so saying that I couldn’t really work on any of the things I once loved. When I can feel better and manage my pain and symptoms then I’m sure my enthusiasm and drive will return to do what I once loved.