Hi everyone! This video is going to be about shame and guilt regarding sex and sexuality, and how to lessen it and accept it and open up about your sexuality. Feeling ashamed and guilty about sexual thoughts, urges, or anything related to our sexuality is quite common. We may feel ashamed we are having thoughts about sex, or about a type of thing we like regarding our sexual practices, our sexual desires and needs, even self pleasure such as masturbation, or even feeling shame regarding whom we are attracted to. We are all sexual beings, however we begin to feel ashamed due to how we were raised and how we view the world around us. Perhaps we were raised in a religious household that forbids sex outside marriage as well as views anything besides a male and female having a relationship as sinful. Yet, perhaps we are attracted to someone of the same sex, which is something our religion forbids. We may feel ashamed that we feel this way and deny it within ourselves. This leads to even more problems for us as we may not be able to form any meaningful connections with someone else due to the shame we hold within ourselves. It’s only when the shame is released that we can be open, honest, and embrace who we really are and form meaningful connections with others.
The truth is, the shame we feel comes from external sources and us adopting other’s views. It is not natural for us to have shame regarding our sexuality. Since we are naturally sexual beings, we are free to express our sexuality any way we desire. Some may choose to not really show it or be sexual involved with anyone, while others may be open to their sexuality and express it every way they can. Whatever the case, there is no right or wrong way of expressing your sexuality. So, the shame that one feels is often instilled by society and/or religion. As was mentioned earlier, religion may say it is wrong to love someone of the same sex, but this is a belief solely in that religion and not one you have to resonate with. Likewise, certain sexual practices may be viewed negatively by society which results in one feeling shame about it and not wanting to explore the practice, despite perhaps having the desire to partake in the behavior. Even masturbation can be something that is viewed as shameful. But, none of these things are shameful since they are a result of others thinking they are wrong. Only you can determine what you like.
However, let’s not forget about abuse. Abuse plays a big role in sexual shame and guilt. Perhaps if you have endured sexual abuse in your life, especially from childhood, then that can certainly play a large impact on your sexuality. Any sexual thought may bring back this memory of what this other person did to you and you begin to feel bad and ashamed of yourself. This is a difficult one to overcome since society instills this image of sex being something intimate and private, and yet you have strong negative attachments to it which bring back past memories that you simply feel as though you cannot deal with. I do have a video specifically about sexual abuse, so I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description for you to check it out. [Sexual Abuse] This may help you along your path at overcoming this obstacle that stands in your way of sexual freedom and expression. Whereas what I will be discussing in this video will allow you to lessen any remaining shame and guilt so you can be free to express your sexuality with confidence.
But first, I would like to share a bit about my own personal shame regarding my sexuality. The number one thing for me has to do with the fact that I was born as a male. I had male genitals, but they simply were not me. I didn’t resonate with them since I despised them. I just wanted to escape from my male self and sexuality. Any kind of sexual thoughts or urges were viewed as disgusting for me and filled with shame and regret. Yet, due to this constant denial of my sexuality, I in fact was a very sexual person, but simply wouldn’t admit it, not even to myself. Masturbation was filled with extreme regret afterwards. I would always say, “I’m never doing that again.” And yet, two or three days later at the most the urge would come back and it’s like, “Oh yeah, I’m doing this.” The behavior I participated in was all self-discovery, which there certainly isn’t anything wrong with. The problem was that I viewed it as shameful and forbidden, like I shouldn’t be doing it. Even pornography played a role in this. I would go online and view it and what did it accomplish? Nothing, it was just a quick way to satisfy an urge that could’ve had more potential and better end result than shame. It even was at the point that I would purchase sex toys online and it was just giving in to that shame since I began to regret everything more and more the further I gave into this sexual desire.
But, after I began to transition and love myself, things completely changed. That shame became non-existent. But, I still had male genitals so I still wasn’t open to the idea of talking about it. So, it was when I had sex reassignment surgery that fully allowed me to be comfortable in my sexuality since it was finally what it always should’ve been. That was rough for me since it took a long time for any sexual desires to actually come back after the surgery. And when they did, I needed to explore my body and discover what I liked. And further yet, it didn’t feel good after surgery. I didn’t really care for it initially. But, it got better with time. And you know what? There was no shame or regret. I was able to express my sexuality in a healthy manner and not feel guilty. A complete change from when I was living as a male. I am very open to expressing my sexuality now and there is no shame in talking about that since I know there is nothing to feel guilty about. I’m open to that now and will admit that I am a sexual person. It’s something I enjoy and view as much more than just physical like I use to when I was a male looking for some quick way to release that sexual energy, which resulted in shame.
Now, I will discuss some ways you can lessen shame and guilt regarding your sexuality.
Lessening Sexual Shame
If you are having shame regarding sex, one of the first steps is to understand the shame. So, let’s say you have shame about masturbation. Question the shame and think about it. Ask yourself why you feel shame when masturbating. Ask yourself where it originated from. There is no such thing as natural shame as it will always originate from views that you have adopted. Let’s say in this particular example, you ask yourself why you feel ashamed when masturbating. The answer is because your mother doesn’t allow it. Perhaps she caught you one time and had a talk with you saying that it was wrong to satisfy yourself. Since then, you had to satisfy your urges more secretly and it’s always filled with shame whenever you do it because you feel as though you shouldn’t be. You are just doing it because you feel you have it, because of an urge, and not because you actually want to. And this is because you were taught that it was wrong to participate in this behavior. So, the shame originates from you adopting your mother’s views. She told you it was wrong, and when you participate in this behavior, especially in secret, you feel that shame.
Likewise, there is often shame associated with pornography. However, with pornography there is another layer of complexity. For one, many people learn about sex through pornography. It may give one standards to live up. Perhaps a male sees it and realizes they must have a certain penis size and must perform certain acts in the video they are watching to satisfy their woman. Or a woman watching may think they must look a certain way, have certain size breasts, and surrender to their man so he can be satisfied. It can give one very incorrect interpretations of real world sex. And the sad truth is that many people learn about sex in this way which brings about more shame since they doubt themselves and their sexuality since they are unable to live up to the porn standards. And further yet, porn often only projects one view, and that sex is strictly physical and no other elements are involved. You usually do not know the people in the video, or their background. There is often no romance involved or build up before sex. And certainly there is no emotional or spiritual attachment amongst the people. This simply is not how real world sex is. With many couples having sex, there is an attachment that goes beyond just a physical connection. If you do watch it, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. But, it certainly isn’t where the most important lessons regarding sex should be learned since you will be in for disappointment.
Next, after you’ve recognized where the shame originates, you have to address it and talk about it. We hide things we are ashamed of. We avoid talking about or deny the things we do not like or are ashamed of since it’s easier to avoid the topic than it is to actually address it. All this does is create more problems as it keeps building, resulting in more shame. So, learn to open up and talk about it. As with the example earlier, if you feel masturbation is wrong, and know the source was from your mother instilling this image in your mind, then talk about this with someone who is more open. Even online support groups can help you find people in similar situations and have worked through it. It may seem like a scary monster that you do not want to think about, but the moment you begin to talk about it and not hold those negative attachments related to sex, everything gets easier to talk about. It does take time, but opening up is extremely important. You are not a bad person if you have certain sexual desires or urges, and you certainly are not alone. There are plenty of people that will accept you, but you have to accept yourself first.
Next, get to know your body and the things you like. It’s ok to masturbate and feel sexual urges on your own and satisfy them on your own. It’s ok to have certain desires. It’s ok. Get to know the things you like and want. After you know what you like, learn to accept those things about yourself. You can make the most out of what you like to enhance the experience. As long as it’s healthy behavior that is safe for you and/or your partner or partners, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. Express your sexuality how you like because you have every right to.
This brings me to the final point, go beyond the physical. Sexual activity and energy is much more than just physical. Even if you are solo, you can utilize that sexual energy in so many more ways than just physical. I will have a video dedicated to sexual energy that will go into much more detail so I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description. [Sexual Energy] But, sexual energy is extremely powerful and you can utilize it in ways you perhaps never even thought about, much more than just physical satisfaction. However, you can only accomplish this when you have lessened shame and guilt, found the things you enjoy, and then proceed to satisfy yourself on a whole new level to bring about positivity in regard to sex. With another person, perhaps you partner, sexual energy can greatly enhance the relationship. You can take it to a whole new level to form a stronger bond with yourself and your partner. The spiritual connection you can share with your partner through sexual energy is one of the most profound ones. But, you can only experience this type of connection when addressing the negativity and shame you have regarding sex within yourself.
So in conclusion, feeling ashamed of sex or sexual activities, desires, or masturbation, can be quite common due to society, religion, and how we were raised and if we were abused. But, releasing that negativity surrounding sex by understanding the shame, opening up and talking about it, as well as discovering what we truly enjoy and going beyond just the physical aspects of sex or self pleasure, will allow us to confidently express our sexuality free from shame and guilt. I hope this video was informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!