Hi everyone! This video is going to be about grudges and forgiveness, and ways of letting go of grudges and forgiving others. Holding a grudge towards someone is something we’ve all done to some degree. Someone betrays us, lies to us, abuses us, does us harm, and we put that against them and hold a negative attachment to what they did wrong inside ourselves. This negativity that we hold that was brought about by this other person often is held for a lifetime. We can hold this negative attachment for our entire lives. Because of this negativity and resentment we have inside ourselves, it ends up causing us problems and interfering with our lives and preventing us from letting go and forming better connections. We may instead avoid events and people that we see a resemblance of the grudge we hold towards others.
A grudge is the opposite of empathy, compassion, and forgiveness. Instead of feeling a compassion for the person and forgiving them for what they did, regardless of what we did, we instead hold it against them and blame them. A grudge exists simply because we have not gotten closure from the experience. We have not had our own compassion and comfort from the person that did us wrong. We expect them to show compassion to us so we can forgive them, yet we lack in showing them compassion for what they did and instead hold a grudge. We may say we can forgive and forget, and the truth is, many of us do not forgive the other person. And even if we do, while we may never forget in the sense that we would not have memory of what happened, we would still hold negative attachments to the memory of what other people did to us and still want compassion showed to us for the other person’s wrongdoings. So, how can you forgive? I’ll discuss that now.
How to Forgive
In order to forgive someone you have to let go of grudges and negative attachments you have. This in itself is a multi-step process. To do this, first recognize the grudge. Think about an event that happened that you feel as though you are still holding negative attachments to or that you hate the person and cannot forgive them. Truly immerse yourself in the event so you can remember exactly how you felt as it occurred. When you do this, emotions will be brought back. Anger, disappointment, sadness are all common when thinking back to this memory. This is what you have to do since you are going back to the core issues and feelings and addressing them.
Next, realize the impact it is having on your life. Often times grudges that have been with us, buried inside us interfere with our daily life and decision making. Perhaps we were wronged in a relationship. As a result, this grudge and negative attachment we hold is of what the person did to us, perhaps being betrayed, abandoned, cheated on. We then develop a fear of those themes and try to resist it which may negatively impact our life. We may not be able to be in a relationship because of those intense fears we have that we have been harboring within ourselves. So, recognize the impact the grudge is having on your life in the present.
After you have completed these, you can then work on letting it go and forgiving. So, let go of regret. Regret and blaming oneself go hand in hand. For instance, perhaps you regret ever getting to know someone because they betrayed you, which you still hold against them. You have that regret within yourself and often blame yourself for your actions. “How could I be so stupid to let them into my life? It was so obvious they would betray me.” Let that regret go and learn to forgive yourself, which is another crucial step. Yes, even if you don’t feel as though you did anything wrong, forgive yourself for any pain this event caused you, any obsessive thoughts, negative behavior, whatever else. Perhaps forgive yourself for regretting being involved with the person. Forgive yourself for seeing things negatively that led up to this event. Whatever else you feel as though you should address within yourself first.
Next is to forgive without needing forgiveness in return. In other words, don’t expect the other person to admit they were wrong before you forgive them. Perhaps if we did something wrong, we often do not want to admit that we were wrong. Perhaps we did something that caused the other person’s behavior. And, instead of taking the blame ourselves, we say that the other person did it as well and put all the blame on them, not taking responsibility for our own actions, expecting them to make the first move at apologizing. Yet, they have the same exact theory and thoughts in their mind. The only way is to see what you did wrong. Don’t focus on what they did, focus on yourself and take responsibility for your actions. When you can admit that you were wrong, and forgive them, you will have no need for them to also forgive you in return. This is because true forgiveness is about letting go. You don’t expect anything in return.
After that is all done and over with, the final step is to move on. You have addressed the grudge, you have forgiven, now it’s time to move on and form better connections with people. At this stage, your grudge no longer has an effect on your behavior. You’ve successfully moved on, forgiven, and forgotten about it. As was mentioned earlier, you will not necessarily be getting rid of the memory, but rather letting go of the negative attachment you had towards it.
So in conclusion, keeping grudges is unhealthy, primarily for the fact that we hold it against the person who did us wrong and it can negatively impact other areas of our life and we may not even be aware of it, preventing us from living to our full potential. Forgiveness is key, no matter how damaged we were after the incident since forgiveness allows us to let go of how the negative memory affects us and move on. I hope this video was informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!
I use to hold grudges and wanted to seek revenge for people that wronged me in the past. This was primarily because I didn’t overcome the issues and how it affected me. I wanted the person to know how badly they hurt me so they would apologize and feel bad for what they did. But when I started to overcome the issues on my own, I realized that I moved on from how it affected me and let go of it. No matter how badly someone wronged me or hurt me, I don’t hold that against them or resent them for their actions. I’ve forgiven them, learned from the experience, and moved on from it.
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