Hi everyone! I thought I’d update you all about my romantic relationships. So, this is going to be an update video to one I did back in mid 2013. If you would like to see that video, there will be an annotation and a link in the description. [Relationships (part 1)] I have grown a lot since that video and looking back at it now I see just how different I was. Yes, I am still single. I’ve never been in a relationship, never dated, never even been close to having a romantic relationship with another person, never had sex, and have never even been kissed. So, I still am completely inexperienced with dating and relationships. But, I’ve been through so much personal growth since that previous video that I think it’s time to address just why I am single.
The number one thing when it comes to loving someone else is you have to love yourself first. Many people are offended by this idea because they often do not understand the reasoning and concept. You have to accept yourself in your entirety before you can love someone else. If you do not love yourself, you will eventually attract someone that is a match to you. In this case, you would attract someone that doesn’t love themselves and thus cannot love you. You cannot expect someone else to love your flaws if you do not accept them yourself. And none of us are perfect. It is unrealistic to think anyone is perfect because such a thing simply doesn’t exist. So, when you focus on the negative aspects of yourself, you will attract someone who will not accept those aspects either, neither of themselves or of you, and thus cannot love you in return because they simply do not love themselves.
Many people that are single want to be with someone so they don’t feel alone. You feel alone because you are not with someone. Yet, the moment you realize that you were never alone, that if you love and accept yourself and see what you have in your life as a reflection of how you feel about yourself, then you will realize that you were never alone to begin with. It’s the idea of being alone and not having that connection to your true, higher self that leads people into believing that they are alone. When in fact, being alone in the world simply doesn’t exist. The reason we feel alone is because we often are not happy with ourselves. An aspect of ourselves we dislike, hate, or criticize. So, we try to find someone that will love those aspects of ourselves that we do not like so we can feel better about ourselves.
Likewise, if you are looking for someone that will complete you, this is implying that you are incomplete, that you are lacking something in your life, which is further from the truth. Having a partner should be about being able to share yourself, your life goals, journey, and other things, with another person, and them being able to do the same with you. In addition to allowing both people to be free to express themselves, without the need for control, because that is, many times, the reason why relationships are dysfunctional. At some point down the road I will go into more detail as to why it is important to love yourself and put yourself first, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
Anyway, the people in your life are a reflection of how you view yourself. So, if you are with people that are negative all the time, who are emotionally dysfunctional, self-destructive, essentially it is a reflection of how you view yourself. If instead you associate with those that are positive, that love themselves, and are happy with themselves, then you will attract someone that is a match to how you feel about yourself.
And, that is how I view it. When I can get to a better stage in my life where I can accept myself in my entirety, not feel ashamed, and most importantly, feel worthy of having positive things and love, then I can attract someone that feels the same and will be a match for me. But, the reason why I am single then is because I am simply not at this stage in my life. I’m still growing and learning and have much to work on before getting to this stage where I would be ready for a romantic relationship.
So basically what I am saying then is that I have acknowledged that I am simply not ready for a relationship. That’s not saying I never would be, but it’s saying that I am working on myself to get to a more stable place so I can let love into my life instead of immediately shutting it out. And, that is what I’ve done my whole life and continue to do. Someone says something nice, positive, or affectionate and I detach myself emotionally, withdraw, get disgusted and angry at the person, and shut them out. That is something I am working on so I can be open and let love into my life and not block it out.
The reason why I do this, well it’s mostly related to my past where I learned to hide myself, it was conditioned within myself. I stopped showing any kind of affection and felt ashamed of anything that involved relationships or love. I viewed it as sickening, disgusting, and not something I ever wanted in my life. I would never say, “I love you,” in return because I felt the person didn’t love me and I didn’t want to give them any love either. And, this is something I have recognized, addressed, and am working on to better my life so I don’t hold those negative views.
With that being said, many of us have a list of what characteristics we want in a partner. But, since none of us are perfect, often times this list is what prevents us from developing healthy relationships. And even more so, what others are looking for in a partner is often times not what they possess or would do themselves. If you want someone that is trustworthy, yet you are not open and honest with yourself, then you will attract someone that is not trustworthy and thus the person you are with is not the person you were searching for.
Essentially, you shouldn’t have to search for someone else. When you are open and allow, the person you were searching for will in fact come into your life without any effort. So, it’s not so much what I look for in a partner, but rather what I see in them as a reflection of myself. In that case, if I am happy and love myself, my partner would be the same. So essentially then, I would look for someone that is open, honest, spiritual, sees all as equal, and most importantly, is focused on their own positive future goals and works at bettering themselves. Those are my core principals that I would find in a partner when the time is right.
With that being said, I consider myself demisexual, which essentially means that I only feel sexual attraction once a strong emotional connection has been formed. I generally will not see someone on the outside until I have learned about them on the inside. Furthermore, I am mostly attracted to femininity. I’m gay, a lesbian. However, I don’t think I should close myself off to other opportunities. So, if a non-female where to be my partner, whether it be a male, non or other gender, then I would accept that opportunity if it was meant to be.
Furthermore, another thing to mention is if I would ever want to be with more than one partner. I would prefer one partner, but again, I am not closed minded to the idea of a polyamorous relationship with two, or more, other partners. With that being said, I am open to the idea if that were to happen as it’s not something I am against.
And lastly, regarding sex, again I am very open minded. I wouldn’t mind trying something, or experimenting with my partner in various forms of sexual practices. I would enjoy being able to try something different with them. I personally do not see it as ‘kinky,’ but rather expressing our sexuality in a unique way that we both would enjoy. I think it is important in any relationship actually to be able to understand how important sex is and trying new things so there is no frustration and negative feelings surrounding it since sex is not something to be ashamed of.
So in short, the answer as to why I am single is that I am working on myself, working on loving and accepting myself. As well as getting to a stage where my negative past experiences do not interfere with current relationships. Things like feeling undeserving and unworthy of being loved, paranoid / suspicious, trust issues, abandonment issues, and anything else that would prevent me from meeting someone that it is also free from said issues. When we get to that stage, then I’m sure I will meet someone that is a match to how I feel about myself. But until then, I will continue to improve myself so I can eventually meet that person. So, thank you very much for watching!
When I was a child, I was very loving. I would make a bunch of things for my grandmother to show her I loved her. She said I once put a whole bunch of heart stickers over her television. But as I aged, I began to see that people didn’t want anything to do with me and so I completely shut out any kind of affection. I wouldn’t acknowledge it and blocked it out and instead decided to hate the person for giving me love and appreciation.
However, this was how I was in my first relationships video from 2013. A year and a half later, I grew into a more open person, mainly with myself, which in turn has allowed me to realize that I am deserving of being loved and accepted. I thought after I transitioned that I loved myself, but it was not genuine. Regarding love, whenever I would fall in love with someone, it would become more of an obsession and a need for control, a desperation so I wouldn’t be alone. I needed the person to be exactly how I wanted them to be. This was pure control and a major issue with many relationships. I needed to control because I didn’t love myself and wanted someone to love the aspects of myself that I didn’t like.
But, the moment I began to truly, genuinely love myself for who I was, I realized that the only true way to love someone else is to let them be free to express themselves and not control them. I know someone will come into my life that I can share everything with. What I would look for is someone that I would be compatible with, as in we have the same goals in life so we can share our life together. Someone that I can be 100% open with and am comfortable around without needing to hold myself back. When the time is right, this person will come into my life, or maybe they already are!