Welcome to 2015 everyone! I have some major plans for 2015 that I hope you all will enjoy. So, over the coming months you all will see these plans I have made manifest. But for now, I’m very happy about this particular video because not only is it my 100th video, but also the last one of 2014, and the start of 2015. But most important of all, 2014 has been a big year for me. The past few years have been big. 2012 was when I transitioned and began living full-time. 2013 was when I had my sex reassignment surgery. And 2014 was a year of personal growth. I’ve grown a lot since transitioning, but I think 2014 has been the biggest change I have experienced in my life. My therapist and family have seen me grow. But, I think the most important thing is that I can see it now, just how much I have grown and learned.
I can finally say that I am happy with how things are going in my life which is the first time I’ve ever been able to genuinely say that. I’ve grown to understand myself on a deeper level, love myself, and accept myself. Something I thought I knew after transitioning, but I was mistaken. I thought I loved myself but it was only in 2014 that I realized that the love I had for myself was ingenuine since I was relying on the opinion of others to shape a mold of my thinking. I would rely on others to determine how I felt about myself. If someone thought negatively of me, said hateful things, I would feel that way towards myself. Imagine if I was in a cage and people surrounding me and telling me what I am. I felt like I wasn’t me but what other people thought I was. But now, I feel as though I have broken open the cage and am free to express myself and be who I really am.
I’ve learned to express my emotions so much better. I didn’t know how I felt before. I didn’t know or could interpret the emotions I was feeling. I was scared of them and didn’t want to show myself because of vulnerability. I hid how I was feeling and didn’t feel worthy because this is how I was conditioned growing up. I learned to hide myself so no one would know the ‘real me,’ the real emotions I was having. And in turn, I lost who I was. But, in the process, I’ve learned that I am worthy and that it was my past experiences that were determining my present thoughts of myself.
I would try to please everyone and get them on my side. It’s something we all do, and I realized that. When someone would disagree with me and say hateful things, I would get upset because of how they viewed me. I would become depressed, even suicidal at times, because of what they thought of me. So, I would be positive and nice to change their mind. But the most destructive thing I did was obsess over their negative words. In the process, I was only causing myself more pain. I may interact with them in some way so they would know how badly they hurt me, but ultimately I was hurting myself in the process because I let them interfere with my life in a negative way and deter me from my goals.
But, I’ve come to realize that I cannot make everyone happy. There are going to be people that love me and then are going to be those that will hate me, and everything in between. I cannot get everyone to love me and accept me and be on my side. And the effort that I would put into trying to do so in the past was causing me the pain and problems I had. More and more people will see my videos and say hateful, nasty things about me. They may see conspiracy theories, holes in my story, seeing me as deceptive and an insult to everyone who has a mental disorder. I have to accept that since I cannot change it, nor can I run and hide from it. More and more people will hate me, but more and more people will benefit their own lives from what I share, just like my life has benefited from what I’ve learned. And that is what is important since that is my goal. While the goal of the negative reaction is to try and deter me from that purpose, which I will not accept into my life. Nor will I let myself obsess over it and cause myself more pain, or try and run and hide from it. I will use the negativity to benefit and grow, and I’ve realized that is how it should be looked at. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I don’t want to cause myself even more pain. I’m ready to move on from that and be who I want to be.
Of course, there are times the negativity still comes back to me, and it always will at times. I mean, just at the end of November, 2014 when I thought I had things under control, someone made a video about one of mine. The first time someone did it with negative intent and I would obsess myself over what this person said, the comments supporting this guy, and the people that came from his video to mine to hate on me and discredit me. It’s always an attack when it happens, just like those reddit people that share my video over there. They cannot leave it over there, they have to come over here and express their views on my videos. I can either stay in that negative space that they are trapping me in, like I use to be in, or I can break free and be the person I want to be and accomplish my goals. Because another thing I learned is that people who are truly happy and love themselves do not hate on others. Rather, those that truly are happy in life and love themselves sees everyone as equal, and loves all equally, oneness.
So, I realize that those negative remarks, especially when people draw in a crowd to form an attack, it’s because of something they are struggling with inside themselves, an aspect of themselves that they probably do not like or accept or love, that they feel the need to take that out on someone else. So, I will not let that affect me because it is a personal problem on their end. I will grow and learn from that experience. And the only thing I can do, which is the primary goal of this YouTube channel is to educate and provide understand to those that are struggling so they can love and accept themselves. Something I struggled with greatly my whole life, but now I am learning to love and accept myself and am sharing that information with the world so others can learn, understand, and help themselves as well. You don’t have to believe it, or care what I have to say, or maybe you can benefit from what I have to say. The choice is yours to make.
I use to be so paranoid that people were out to get me. I would look outside and see people talking and my mind would instantly go to, “They’re talking about me. I know they are. They’re saying how much they hate me, how weird I am.” I would always feel like I was being watched by cameras, people spying on me. I would constantly see hidden motives people had. I would hear people walking around in my house trying to kill me. I would see these creepy faces and demons in objects. Even drew a few and it was terrifying. All of it being related to my paranoia. But, I can honestly say that much of it has been lifted. And this is because I have said, “Who cares?” at the situation. Who cares if people are watching me? Who cares what their opinions are? Who cares if they have hidden motives? I live my life independently now of what others think or say, and that was the source of much of my problems.
I use to have constant obsessive thoughts and actions, and even that would lead me to hurting myself. I remember when I would not delete any comments on my videos because of my obsessive nature. I would literally sit there, re-read the comment over and over again while other people would reply in agreement with that person. I would obsess over it and it would cause me to become beyond depressed and even to the point of contemplating suicide. The problem wasn’t the comments themselves, it was my obsessive nature over them. Now, I just delete them if I think they would get to that stage. And, I have loosened up my tight ways and strict ways and schedules in my personal life as well, allowing me to be more open and flexible with how I plan my day and not be so disappointed if things don’t go exactly as planned.
Also in 2014, the event that I felt really helped me grow and realize much of this was when I went through the point near the end of 2013 and to about half of 2014. It was a time when I let a lot of people’s opinions get to me to the point of it forming a side of myself that would call me a fake and a liar. I saw it grow and become more and more powerful overtime because I didn’t know what it was and was scared of it. I didn’t know what to do. But, it was due to, not people’s negative remarks calling me a fake and a fraud, but how I coped with it and let it affect me. I let it get to me and it formed this aspect of myself that I was terrified of that would cause me a lot of pain. I would dissociate into this state and even my psychologist saw it one day. It was terrifying to deal with that. But, the moment I realized that it was because of self-doubt I had within myself, that I let other people’s opinions get to me, was when it lost all power. I learned so much from that experience and am glad I got to see it through and overcome it. In turn, I don’t let the negative opinions of others influence my behavior. You have your opinion, I have my experiences. I know who I am and what I want in this life, and no one will deter me from that.
Which brings me to my last point, there is still something in me, an aspect of myself that I am not too familiar with that has made its presence known more recently. It’s been to my psychologist and said how it controls everything I do and say and I am not aware of it. Saying that therapy is there to cause me more pain. I found out about this because my therapist told me what I said to her during my previous visits. And, it was terrifying hearing these things I supposedly said, yet don’t remember saying and don’t know why I would say it. But, analyzing the situation I think it is because I still feel like I’m not deserving of getting better. Like I don’t deserve to love myself and still feel as though I am inferior to everyone else. I think that is where this side stems from, and the fact that I am not really aware of it indicates that it will be a tricky one to overcome and deal with. But seeing the progress I have made, I can and will overcome that and be free from it to be in a better place. And 2015 will be another year of recovery and overcoming these problems. I know it, and will push through it.
The process of recovery is scary because it is all new and so much is being brought back into my awareness, but it is also being lifted from me and I am able to overcome it and let go of it. Things that were contributing to my problems at the deepest level, so it’s exciting to be able to move past that, but intimidating as well. It can be the hardest thing to love and accept yourself. And for anyone else who is trying their hardest and struggling with that, just know that it does get easier in time. It can take years, but you have to remember, you’ve had the traits many years prior to addressing and working on them, so it’s only logical that it will take some time. Just push through and focus on where you want to be and you will get there given enough time. See how far you have come already and what you have endured that has made you so strong. You are deserving and worthy no matter how negative your current mindset is. You don’t need me or anyone else to believe in you as long as you believe in yourself, because you know you can make it through.
So, I look forward to 2015. I will continue with my videos as they are helping me understand myself and heal, especially the more personal ones since I can openly express myself and not hold back. And, there will definitely be more personal ones in the future. Let me know your achievements of 2014 and what you want to accomplish in 2015. Thank you so much for the support. You have helped me in more ways than you know and for that I am grateful. Thank you and I wish the best to each and everyone of you!