Hi everyone! This video is going to be about sexual abuse. I will discuss some ways of coping as well as sharing my experience. This is a follow up video to the one I did about overcoming trauma and abuse which goes into much greater detail. So, I’ll have an annotation and a link in the description to that video. [Overcome Trauma] Anyway, sexual abuse can take many forms such as molestation, rape, sexual assault. And like any kind of abuse, sexual abuse can be very difficult to talk about. Primarily because sex is often something we think of as private. Not only sex but anything sexually related we think of as a private matter between us and our partner, partners, or ourselves. So, when someone is sexually abused, especially at a young age, it can cause a lot of problem for them as they age.
It can cause someone to have nightmares, flashbacks, negative coping mechanisms, dissociation, and loss or confusion of self or identity. There are people who believe that those that are gay, lesbian, transgender, anything that is not cisgender and straight, comes from being sexually abused. While this is not the case for everyone and is inaccurate, it’s certainly possible for some individuals to have a blurred sense of identity after being sexually abused. They may not quite know who or what they are. They may think they are a different sex, another sex. Of course, again, this isn’t everyone, but for some people, the abuse can cause this. I even questioned myself since I am a male to female that had a traumatic past. I thought that the abuse I went through contributed to me being trans. I thought I became a female to dissociate from the male me that was abused and traumatized. And while that was mostly all physical and emotional abuse, including abandonment, I felt it could’ve caused my condition. But ultimately, I got over this and determined that it didn’t matter since I am happier now than I have ever been. And, that’s all that is important.
Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is a serious condition that can take a very long time in therapy to get to a healthy, stable place. And those suffering from sexual abuse can have a difficult time opening up in therapy. Another reason is that, like any kind of abuse, by talking about it, you are reliving it in a sense. It’s not happening again, but it may appear like it is when you talk about it. But you have to get through that phase if you ultimately want to overcome it. It may seem worse in the short-term, but will ultimately benefit you in the long-term.
Sometimes when you go back to any difficult memory, it’s not uncommon to actually see, hear, or feel things as they were at the time. So if you were sexually abused, you may remember the face of the abuser so clearly in your mind. You may remember their voice and hear their words repeated to you. It may even be that you actually physically feel the abuse all over again. Because you may experience those things, relationships and sex in the present may be difficult if not impossible. Perhaps for some individuals, even with a trusting and accepting partner, when engaging in sexual activity they regress to the age when the abuse happened and see their partner as the abuser. This makes it difficult.
There have been many people that have shared their abusive stories with me, quite a few being sexually abused. And, it’s always so difficult hearing that because it’s mostly people who were abused at such a young age. And, it’s just terrible things that have caused them so much pain, and they are struggling and trying so hard to overcome it. Both females and males have shared with me. Males can be sexually abused as well, it’s not just females. However, I think one of the main reasons why females may be more sexually abused by male figures is that, well males are driven by testosterone, which plays a big impact on sex. I think it is more common for a male figure to be the one doing the abuse, but that doesn’t mean females cannot do the abuse.
Regardless, if you have been sexually abused, there are ways of dealing with it. Besides the methods listed in my video on overcoming trauma and abuse, which again, there will be a link in the description, dealing with the side effects of sexual abuse yourself, or someone else dealing with someone that has been sexually abused can be a challenge. I think what many people do that have been abused is blame themselves for what happened. It’s not your fault what happened. Relatedly, someone may think, again due to the abuse, that they are not worthy of being happy or having the things they want. They don’t feel worthy of being loved by someone that will not abuse them. No matter what someone has done in their lives, or what has happened to them, they deserve happiness. Worth is not defined by what happened to us. But, that’s a much longer topic of conversation to cover at a different point.
But, something else those that have experienced sexual abuse may have difficulty with is anything sexually related. They may become a sex and porn addict, or even repeat the sexual abuse that had been done to them onto others. It’s not uncommon for the abuser to have been abused themselves. But also, it could be the opposite in that the person who went through the abuse views anything sexually related as shameful. When in actuality, sex is something we all think about. We all have different desires for it and it’s natural since we are human beings after all. There should be nothing shameful about it, but due to past abuse, we may view it as shameful.
If you are in a relationship and were the one or with someone that was sexually abused, I think the number one thing is to not rush anything. Take things very slowly and at your own pace. If you start to feel as though those memories are coming back, just hold off on it and make sure you partner is understanding of the situation. If instead your partner was abused, and they start behaving differently, perhaps like you are the one abusing them, that’s a normal reaction for someone who was abused. So again, take a step back and discuss what is going on. I always believe sex is about communication, and when one of you has been abused, there needs to be more communication and understanding to work through those experiences so sex doesn’t seem as bad to the person that was abused.
Overcoming this type of abuse, while it is difficult, is possible when you put your mind to it. You may feel like you will never be rid of it, and the truth is, you never will. You cannot go back and change what happened. It is what it is. There will be times that, even after many years of recovery, that it will come back to you and affect you. But, the moment you accept what happened to you and instead of focusing on those past memories, you direct your focus towards the person you want to be in the future, you will overcome the trauma in a much more simplified fashion.
Now, I will discuss a bit of my experience with all this. Please be aware that the following segment may be triggering to some individuals, so please be careful.
Now I thought I’d share a bit about my personal experience with this. Please note that this segment may be triggering to some individuals, so please be careful. While I have discussed other trauma in my life, sexual abuse is one that is a bit of a mystery to me, but also one that I question and wouldn’t be surprised about it to be honest. I’m going to say right now that I will not discuss everything. There are things I am still very ashamed of and it’s very difficult to talk about. But also, it’s not something I want in the public.
But anyway, I don’t recall any sexual abuse being done to me, but also I don’t recall much of the physical or emotional abuse either. The memories are vague, and the only reason I really know about them is because of my family telling me what happened. But, the one thing I do find strange, and this is not something that I thought was strange back then but looking at it now it’s like, “What was this about?” But anyway, I do recall when I was really young, probably around age five to seven, when I had to get my penis ‘checked’ by an adult. It needed to be looked at for something, that something I have a memory of being like hair. I have no idea and don’t know why. I don’t know what that was about. But, it happened on multiple occasions, touching was involved down there. And, that is just so freaky thinking about that now. Because it’s like, “What was going on there? Did anything else happen? What was that about? And, what was really going on?” I have no idea and do not remember. All I know is that it is a very strange occurrence looking back on that memory.
Other events later in my life that I do remember, those are the ones I will mostly not discuss. One occurred before I was a teenager. It was something that happened that I did, multiple times, involving another person. Again, not going into detail. People have said many times to me about being a rapist or being raped. And, that’s not something you just go around saying or making jokes about. I don’t think anyone should ask someone if they were raped. Nor should I think anyone should go around calling people rapists. All I will say is that it’s not necessarily what you think.
But after that experience, that’s when I started to hit puberty and going through this time as a trans person was the worst time in my life. That is when sexual things started to get out of hand. Masturbation and sexual thoughts are normal and nothing to worry about, but when you are trans, you don’t want them because it is just not your body. I became almost like a porn and sex addict. I would think about it constantly. I would go online and spend hours looking. Television stations, VHS tapes, magazines. I would masturbate, even in front of windows where people could look in. I remember one time when I printed up a bunch of pictures, I accidentally left them on the table and my grandfather walked in. I don’t think he saw them despite the fact that he placed his bag right next to the photos. I snuck down there and took them back upstairs really quickly.
There came a point when the things I would look at the things I would do to myself just wasn’t enough. I had to go further. And this is another spot that I will not discuss. I did some outrageous things that disturb me beyond belief. I would do them and enjoy it, then when I was done it was like, “What just happened? What did I do to myself?” I felt so shameful and disappointed of my actions and with myself. The rest of the day I was in bed and depressed and crying saying, “I will never do that again.” Yet, a few days go by and I repeat the cycle. And the weird part about it all was that I was not a sexual person. Whenever someone would ask about sex or masturbation, I was grossed out, denied it, and furthermore didn’t even know half the things I was doing at home in private. It was like blocked out of my mind since I wasn’t a sexual person. That is what I said to myself. I didn’t acknowledge that sexual side of me which is why it was the way that it was.
I think all that, and the things I didn’t discuss in this video, have held me back from relationships. Even if I was in a relationship, I think anything sexual would be very difficult for me because of these past events. I would need to take it very slowly and after probably a few failed attempts I may be ok. And especially since I don’t have the body that I had before when all this happened, I don’t feel as disconnected from myself. I think things will be alright given enough time. And, I am working on that so I don’t feel as bad with myself for what I did, despite the fact that deep down I feel as though what I did to myself and what I caused myself is worse than what anyone had done to me.
So, in conclusion, sexual abuse can be very difficult to discuss since we often think of sex as being a private matter. But, learning to uncover what happened to you, accepting it, realizing it is not your fault, and then directing your focus on your future goals to be the person you have always wanted to be, free from trauma and abuse, you will cope with and overcome the way the abusive situation is affecting you. I hope this video was informative and helpful. Thanks for watching!