It’s been quite a while since we’ve talked about alter personalities. So, let’s dive back into this and set the truth straight about what happened to me and how I got to where I am today.
There is no question that my dissociative identity disorder videos have gained quite a bit of popularity. Why? I honestly do not know. On one end it’s shared by like minded individuals who are also struggling with the condition, but also shared on forums where the sole purpose is to discredit me and my experiences.
So let’s get some facts straight so both sides can understand what really happened and where things are today. I don’t need to prove anything, so even if you don’t believe me, understand that I am speaking from my experience and what happened to me. Everyone is different, and experiences life and this condition differently, so there is no need to discredit someone just because they have a different life path and view the world differently than you do.
First, a brief backstory of my alters. These alters were always present, but I wasn’t aware of them until specific points in my life. I first became aware of one of these alter personalities when I was a child, under the age of 10. This protector was like a guardian angel, and perhaps she was. This was Iris, who was rational, calm, and never got angry.
Autumn was identified at a later time after I transitioned from male to female. This was because transitioning allowed me to express myself fully, and be who I truly was without hiding it, but with this can vulnerability. So Autumn stepped in to protect this core personality, the host, named Elle, from the paranoid delusions she was having. Autumn didn’t have those, but Autumn was more aggressive and looked the part. That’s why her style was harsher and more intimidating.
The child alter formed due to the female childhood I never had since I was born a male, and was raised as a boy. The sexual alter represented my repressed sexual side and inability to express my sexuality. The male alter formed due to hating my male self, even after transitioning, and repressing my male aspect, the anima and animus if you wish to get deeper into the psychology of it. The alter calling me fake was a split that happened due to me being highly sensitive as an adult in my early 20s after reading comment after comment from people calling me fake and delegitimizing my experiences online. And the controller personality was, has been, and will always be part of me as it is the shadow self.
Are you seeing a common theme here? I hope you are, so let’s break it down. Iris is the higher self. Autumn is the persona. Elle is the vulnerable true self. The child, sexual, and male alters are the repressed aspects of my life and the struggles I’ve faced. The alter calling me fake was my insecurities. The controller is the shadow self, the puppet master.
So how did I heal? By identifying the purpose of the personality as I just described and then working on that. If the child, sexual, and male alter formed due to me repressing those aspects of myself, I needed to work with a therapist to uncover my childhood trauma, face the fact that I will never have a childhood that was good nor that of a female, and then move on. I needed to embrace the male side of me, instead of hating it. I also needed to accept my new sexuality as a woman, have positive sexual experiences, and face the harsh reality that I will never be a cisgender female with the correct anatomy. I did all that, and the term often used to describe this process is integration. That’s how I integrated, short and simple, but it actually took many years of therapy to accomplish this.
Where I stand now is that the issues I described a moment ago are no longer relevant to my life, thus these alters are no longer separate from me. For you see, integration is not about getting rid of or killing an alter. But rather, them becoming part of your true self. And the way you do this is by acceptance and love for the things you hate most about yourself, or are in denial about and repress. I have different struggles in my life now, but this is no longer one of them, and for that I am thankful since it was not fun.
Some people think it’s fun, but it’s actually a debilitating illness. Yes you can learn how to cope with it, but there is nothing fun about an alternate personality threatening to physically harm you, with a knife at your wrist, then deliberately vanishing to actually cause psychological damage. That’s not fun, and exactly what happened to me. And the only “fun” part was being able to cope better in certain situations due to the protectors. That’s it.
I feel as though many others with this condition that make videos online fear the process of integration for a multitude of reasons. Healing is scary since it’s unknown and unfamiliar. It’s easier and more comforting to do what you know instead of doing something new. However, that’s where the most healing comes in.
Furthermore, and I can attest to this, the moment you heal and no longer deal with the condition, people’s interest in you becomes practically non-existent. Yes, did you know that I make other videos besides just DID content? DID is not even an important part of the content I produce, can you believe that? So, I think the other fear people that make DID content online have is that once they heal and integrate, that they will no longer seem unique or special, and thus their fanbase would significantly drop. Think about it, wouldn’t you still watch me if I was suffering each day? Yet here I am happier than I’ve ever been, but my followers aren’t. Why the disconnect?
Now for some commonly asked questions. Since I’ve integrated, I’m sure you’re wondering about the pages and channels I have under different names. These are simply a way to produce different forms of content. Autumn Asphodel is dedicated to personal growth, self-help, and natural health. Elle Stone is me rambling on about whatever I desire without a care if someone dislikes what I have to say. Iris Fae is dedicated to spiritual healing through meditation and hypnosis. And Asphodel Gaming is me playing some of my favorite games and interacting with my followers during live streams on Twitch.
Another question, was I faking the alters? The answer is no. What I showed was what I was legitimately feeling at the time. When I look back at it, of course it looks fake, of course it seems fake, and maybe it was overplayed. But, I can tell you without a doubt that those alters were real. They were with me and I identified them and allowed them to express themselves because that is what led to my recovery through integration. People have even claimed that I admitted to faking these alters. When asked, they are unable to provide any evidence to back up their claims. They make false accusations to discredit me because I was someone who managed to integrate. These very same people tend to also say I’ve never been through trauma. I’ve talked extensively about the abuse I endured, but people refuse to look at it since it would invalidate their argument in a second.
Some people have claimed that I have self-diagnosed myself with various disorders. Again, this is a fabricated lie as I have never diagnosed myself. In my early videos, when talking about personality disorders, I’ve said that I may have traits of these, relating each one to my life, and possibly even thinking to a degree that I have that condition to understand the mess in my mind at the time. But, I never claimed to have been diagnosed with those conditions.
Relatedly, some people like to point out the fact that I said I wasn’t diagnosed with DID. I have never claimed to have been diagnosed with DID, and made that quite apparent. Whenever someone asked about what I was officially diagnosed with, I was clear that it initially was PTSD and schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of bipolar and schizophrenia. This was the initial diagnosis with just about two months of therapy, and extensive testing. I saw a therapist for years after that diagnosis, and it wasn’t until about a year or two in that my therapist finally saw these alter personalities. She even wanted to film it, but I was strongly against it since I knew it was going to upset me watching me be someone else. The diagnosis likely could’ve changed, but I never asked or wanted to know.
People think that once you have something, talk about something, even make mistakes, that you will always be the same and never change. But, people change, and that’s a good thing. Everyone who looks at my old content and obsesses over every little thing I said, despite me changing significantly since then, has obviously been unable to change or move on with their own life.
So hopefully this puts the questions to rest and helps anyone else dealing with a condition like this. People seem to obsess over the past me from 2013-2015, but that person is no longer me. I have moved on to bigger and better things, and I hope this information will help you do the same.
Integration can seem scary, but it’s the natural way our mind heals from trauma based dissociation. There is no right or wrong way to experience life or a mental illness. Come check out my other content besides just the DID stuff. My other videos teach you the very same techniques I’ve used to help overcome my challenges, and if you give them a chance and open your mind, you too can heal. You are loved and worth it. See that within yourself and you can be happy.
Let me know how this works for you. Have a great day!
Since I’ve not made a video specifically about how I’ve overcome this challenge, and the fact that a few viewers were requesting a topic like this, I decided to finally answer this question and put it to rest. This was a major obstacle I overcame in my life and am grateful I was able to experience it and share my insight into how I healed with the world. I know some people still won’t believe me, think I’m a liar and fraud, but I’ve only ever been honest with my experiences. So, if they don’t believe me, they can go elsewhere.