Hi everyone! I thought I’d answer some more of your questions and read back weird messages. Be sure to check the description to go to specific questions if needed.
Q: how tall are you ?
A: I am just under 6 foot. 5’11” to be exact.
Q: Are you right or left handed?
A: I pretty much am ambidextrous. I can use both hands quite well. I was dominantly right handed for a while, but started using my left hand more many years ago. I cannot write as well with my left as I can with my right, but I use my left hand a lot for holding utensils.
Q: Can you sing?
A: I don’t know. No one ever hears me. I sing quietly only to myself.
I’ve gotten this question quite a few times:
Q: do you have a Tumblr?
A: No, I do not. All the links to where you can find me are on my YouTube channel in the channel art or the about section. Which, at the present moment, is only this YouTube channel, Google+, and Facebook. Links will be updated if I do add any other site to the list. But, for right now, it’s only these three. If you see me or my content anywhere else, it’s not me.
Q: If you could live any where where would you live and why ?
A: I would live in space, to be away from everyone and be by myself. That sounds really cool.
Q: Do you have any pets? Would you trust your self to have a pet?
A: Animals are fine. Where I live, which is with my grandparents, we have two cats and a dog. Ideally though, if I had my own place, no, I would not have any animals because I don’t want the responsibility.
Q: How do you feel about children? Would you ever one day in a perfect world want to have one?
A: I don’t like them either. I don’t want the responsibility of taking care of a child. Plus, I’ve never been good around children and feel awkward.
Q: Do you like hugging your grandmother? Does she make you feel safe?
A: Well, being completely honest here, and I have a hard time admitting this. But, I don’t like to be hugged. I’ve noticed that I push away any sort of love that people try to give to me. I get angry when people show me affection. I’ve been like this my whole life.
I think it’s because deep down I don’t feel as though I am deserving of being loved. I guess because when I was younger, even just a baby, some people didn’t like me, abandoned me, wanted me dead. So, that really messed things up in my mind. It’s a very deep problem. If I cannot accept the love someone can give me, then I cannot love someone. I know that I should be deserving of love and sympathy, but at the same time, deep down, I don’t feel it. I don’t feel I am worthy or deserving of it.
Q: I would like to know if you find life lonely? What is your social life like?
A: Social life = nonexistent. I enjoy it this way, always have. Of course, yes, I do get lonely plenty of times and wish, many times, that I wasn’t so alone, but at the same time, when I am around people, all I do is fantasize about getting back to my isolation because that’s what I find comforting. So, minimal socialization is fine.
Q: Are you autistic?
A: I’ve heard this question so many times that I needed to bring it up to my psychologist. She really doesn’t see it, nor do I, nor do the people that know me personally. That’s strange though just how many people mentioned this. Maybe I am and that’s the issue all along. I don’t know. Let me know what you all think, if you think I am autistic and why since I am very curious to know why people think this.
Q: if you, yourself don’t like the video’s why do you allow it to happen.
A: Yes, it is very true that part of me wants all the videos to be deleted. However, there are two reasons why this will not happen. First, doing videos has actually help me. I’ve been able to express myself, talking about my problems, and got out of isolation and am talking with people. I realized how unhealthy it was to be so withdrawn from people, and I really didn’t want it to become worse.
Second, if I were to delete even a single video, I feel like I would be letting people down. I will never delete any video I post. I don’t want to just drop off of everything as if I never existed. I’ll fight through these negative emotions as hard as I can. I don’t want to let myself or anyone else down.
Q: Is it possible to have DID due to another factor besides trauma?
A: Yes. It’s technically not the trauma that causes DID, but rather the constant dissociation. When you continuously dissociate, it because easier and easier. Hence why those with DID are highly hypnotizable. But, also keep in mind that many times it is trauma that causes an individual to dissociate and can contribute to disorders. The smallest thing can trigger dissociation. It depends on the person. Trauma is a subjective experience. Lastly, DID is a disorder, it would need to be negatively impacting your life in some way in order to be diagnosed.
Q: Can u explain to me how to even trigger a multiple personality. I’m desperate to have one or more. And can u tell me what is good and what is bad about a MP (multiple personality) or more.
A: Well, I think this question should be worded a bit differently since there should be no reason to want to have something like this. Well, not when it is negatively impacting your life. Though, it’s not necessarily difficult to create an alternate ‘personality.’ It depends on how suggestible you are and how well you believe you are this alternate ‘personality’ you created. Really, it’s all about hypnosis and creating a character in a sense and convincing yourself you are them. Again, hypnosis and suggestibility, and believing it.
Q: Can you have DID and schizophrenia at the same time?
A: I believe it is possible, yes. They often get mistaken for one another actually. With schizophrenia, there is a cognitive impairment. With DID there is none. DID is dissociation, schizophrenia is psychosis.
Q: Do you feel like your main personality is made up of that from other people you have met?
A: I never thought about this actually. But, I think all of us have traits of those we are around. Good and bad. Like picking up one the energy of the people you are around. I know for me, that changes my personality. Which is why I generally don’t like to associate with those that bring negative energy my way.
Q: Do you hear voices and see things?
A: Regarding auditory hallucinations, I do not hear voices outside my head, like with my ears. In my head sometimes my thoughts will run a mile a minute and it’s like 100 people talking at once. Or like people yelling and screaming in my head, telling me negative things.
Visual hallucinations take the form of something pre-existing. In other words, I don’t see something that manifests out of nowhere. I usually see weird faces, monsters, and violent scenes, such as guns, knives, killing, in the carpet for example. The nature of it changes depending on my mood. Usually when I am depressed, they will be of a more sinister nature. It’s quite disturbing when it happens making me rough up the carpet to get rid of it.
Q: Do you have flashbacks of traumatizing things or to memories related to the trauma?
A: Yes, most times the flashbacks and memories are triggered by a thought or something happening around me, or someone mentioning something that brings back the memory. When it happens, I can shift moods very rapidly. It could be mid-conversation with someone.
I can see the scenes in my mind. Like, staring off into nothingness and absorbed in the thoughts and visuals in my mind. Some scenes are so vividly it’s like I’m right back there. Depending on the situation, the emotions associated with the event may or may not be present. It’s a very disturbing experience for me, which can completely destroy my day.
Q: Do you talk to other people in your head in really intense daydream type hallucinations?
A: Well, I do talk with people in my head. Both good and bad conversations. I’ve always been like this. I talk to myself a lot, as well as in the third person. I guess it’s like daydreaming in a sense, being absorbed in the thoughts of my mind and not paying attention to what’s going on around me.
Q: If one day you could get rid of all your mental illnesses would you? Or would you feel alone?
A: I would love to know what it would be like, for at least one day, have no problems. No paranoid delusions, no obsessive thoughts, no trauma related thoughts. That would be wonderful for one day. However, I wouldn’t want to, nor can I, get rid of everything. Main reason being is that all of these things make up my personality, and who I am. If I got rid of everything like that, then I would not be myself. I need to learn to accept myself the way I am. I would so love to get rid of some of the paranoid delusions though. Or at least lower the intensity. Since I feel like that is my biggest struggle.
Q: I was wondering if they required any psychological testing before your surgery? If so what did they say about your diagnoses in relation to you having surgery?
A: Well, I never had a diagnosis prior to surgery. I was seeing a therapist for gender related issues and she knew about some of the paranoia I had but she was not an expert in the field. Furthermore, the other individual that wrote the letter of recommendation for surgery knew about some of the mental problems I had. But, they knew I was going to get help with it since I was about to see a psychologist shortly before surgery.
Other than that, I denied any and all mental problems to avoid not being able to transition and have surgery. But actually, I wasn’t aware of some of the problems because of a barrier. When these people would ask if I was struggling with something, I didn’t think I was so I said, “No.” Things were covered up so well that I wasn’t even aware of it. I was covering up and hiding the ‘real’ me. And now I know the ‘real’ me which I never did before so I can talk about these things now.
Q: What was your first time going into a female bathroom like?
A: I honestly don’t remember. Well, probably because I never use the female bathroom. Well, I very rarely use the bathroom out somewhere. If I do need to go, I usually go into the unisex or family bathroom, which is single use and I am all alone and no one else.
Q: i notice you swallow like every 8 seconds. Is that a side effect of the trachea shave?
A: What? Do I? If I do, it has nothing to do with the surgery, rather just me talking makes my mouth and throat dry.
Q: would a voice change require same as vaginal surgery such as lots of approvals?
A: It shouldn’t even come close. Even breast implants don’t compare to SRS. So no, I don’t believe so since it’s not as major or specific of a surgery.
Q: Do you have breast implants?
A: No I do not. I have the breasts I got from hormones. Which is practically none. Size AA. Nope! Smaller than that. I guess because I am underweight and I don’t really have any fat on my body. I just wear bras, which make it look like I have something. While I would like them larger since what I have is really non-existent, I am fine with it and don’t really need larger breasts.
Q: Where was the skin… Grafted? For your vaginal canal?
A: It is mostly skin from the scrotum. This is so it can stretch. The hair is removed so there shouldn’t be much, if any hair inside the vagina. The skin from the penis is primarily used for parts of the labia and it connects to the scrotal skin inside the vagina.
Q: I believe I read somewhere that if you use the scrotum for the vaginal then you won’t be able to produce lubricant
A: Not true actually. I’ve really not noticed any lubrication coming from inside the vagina. It seems to come from the urethra area which is directly above the vaginal opening. This can lubricate the inside of the vagina, but it will never be as much as a genetic female.
Q: I’ve read that the skin for the canal can be made from your lower intestinal tract, this bring able to create lubricant
A: Yes, there is a method that uses the sigmoid colon to create the vagina, which would provide more lubrication. However, the technique is generally only used as a last resort as is not common. There are more complications that can occur as well as it not being as ‘effective’ of a surgery.
Q: How do you feel about not being able to go through a menstrual cycle?
A: Pretty good actually. I’m glad I cannot go through that. It doesn’t make me any less of a woman to not experience this.
Weird messages. The first is:
WM: Serious question: Is this a dude?
A: Serious answer: no.
WM: You look and sound like miachel jackson. Are you a tranny?
A: Oh gosh!
WM: He is become a wich
WM: your not bipolar your a geeky transvestite dick head
WM: oh, my god you must go to a psychiatrist! A lot of children go on internet today, I hope no one of them will discover your videos…..
A: What’s interesting is that this person is recurring on my videos. Why are you wasting your time watching me when you don’t like what I have to say? Then even blocked me on Google+ probably thinking I couldn’t see their comments. Well guess what, I can still see them so…yeah…how about that?!
WM: Which one of your ‘alters’ is the attention whore? Oh, wait. that would be ALL of them.
WM: You are so fake fake fake you keep exagerating things. I don’t believe you anymore I believe Unknown I disliked all your videos.
A: Good for you.
WM: Allllllrighty then……….Whomever I’;m addressing at the moment, has done a great job of studying the DSM-IV(5). However, DID’s 100% DO NOT have this type of insight into their DID and that is a fact!!!! Y’all might need to call Dr. Phil or visit your nearest PSYCHO WARD.. Be sure to listen to the ” UNKNOWN,” alter 24/7, 365 days a year.
WM: This is a lifestyle apologetics video, for those that have been unwise enough to have dabbled in the OCCULT.
A: Huh? What does that even mean?
WM: Girl, You should consider smoking a FAT bowl of weed.
WM: ew ur so scary ew-ew-ew-ew-ew
WM: Your breathe looks like it would stink.
A: Oh my gosh!
So, that’s all for now. Thanks for watching!
Your breathe looks like it would stink.
Oh my gosh no way!