Hi everyone! This video is going to be about how I became interested in psychology, became aware of and accepted my mental disorders, as well as the psychological testing I have done. I have always been interested in the brain. The power of the mind fascinates me and I want to learn as much as I can about it. Unfortunately, this is impossible since we will never truly understand the brain. Studying psychology has allowed me to understand more about myself, and why I am the way I am, especially due to my troubled and traumatic past. It has also allowed me to understand new methods of coping and overcoming many problems which in turn has allowed me to help others with similar problems.

I am very intrigued by psychology and studying mental disorders, but I wasn’t always this way. There was an incident that occurred around mid 2012, shortly after I transitioned, that made me question many things in my life and not only become aware of my own mental problems, but also sparked my interest in psychology.

Now, this may sound weird what event made me aware of my mental conditions because it doesn’t seem like the kind of event that would cause such a thing, but I’ll explain how it happened. It was actually an incident that I discussed in a previous video about something that happened on an online dating site. If you’re interested in watching this video, I’ll have a link. [Dating Site Catastrophe] I was dealing with someone who had many profiles on various sites, there were contradictions in many things she said, and many things that didn’t add up. There was manipulation going on.

Anyway, what this event did to me early on was, I became very confused by what was going on. She was contacting me from various profiles pretending to be someone else. However, what this did was make me extremely paranoid. I would be online and saw in the corner of my monitor that she viewed me right then and there and I had to log off because it terrified me.

Then I began to ask myself, “Why am I am paranoid of her? Why am I scared of her?” I was genuinely curious since it didn’t make any sense to me why I would be that way. Around the same time I realize that the person I was talking with had some mental problems, such as schizophrenia for example. I wanted to learn more about this as that may have explained her behavior. But, I didn’t really know what schizophrenia was at the time. I knew a little, but nothing in depth. So, I looked into it and found a site that listed like 75 early symptoms of the disorder, and as I read through it, I was in shock by how much it described me. I could relate to like 70 of those 75 early warning signs.

On one end I was happy that what I have been experiencing my whole life had a name, that there were other people out there that experienced what I was. But, I also became very scared and entered into denial. Whenever I would act a certain way or think a certain thing I would jokingly, in my head, say, “Oh, I’m manic right now because of my bipolar. I’m paranoid because of my schizophrenia. HAHAHA!!!!! Yeah right, I don’t have that.” I didn’t accept myself or my thoughts. They seemed crazy to me, and I tried denying them because I didn’t want to be labeled as ‘crazy.’

Overthinking the issues and analyzing my every action became very overwhelming for me. I became ten times more paranoid. One good thing though was that I wrote down all my paranoid and delusional thoughts I’ve had over the years . And, I couldn’t believe how many there were? This was the reason to start seeing a psychologist.

Over some time, as I started learning more about psychology and the mind, I slowly did begin to accept myself. I knew I had to since being in denial was causing a lot of stress and turning out to be even more problematic than before I became aware of the issues.

I started seeing a psychologist in January, 2013. So, at the time of making this video, it’s been nearly a year and a half now. And, we still haven’t even gotten to the heart of everything yet. However, she is aware of these videos I do and has watched some of the more important ones, which has helped her get a better insight into what I struggle with including perhaps the most important video, the one about my past. If you are interested in learning about my childhood and teenage years, please watch my video on it. [My Past]

Anyway, even after extensive psychological testing, which I will discuss in a minute, the results are inconclusive. She said that there was so much overlap that it is hard to pinpoint just what is going on. Combine that with how my mind was changing due to transitioning, it was a confusing mess that just couldn’t be deciphered. I was diagnosed with PTSD and schizoaffective disorder, which is bipolar and schizophrenia for me. However, she wanted to change the schizoaffective disorder, but was not sure on it. She wanted to rule out any personality disorders, and the one she was considering at the time, trying to rule out, was schizotypal personality disorder.

So, I don’t have a proper diagnosis, and who knows if there is one. I think I would need to be seeing her for a lot longer before anything conclusive returns. But, who knows. I could have several disorders that are not otherwise specified, making it hard to pinpoint exactly what is going on, what the problem is. Anyway, I will share with you all now more specifics about my testing.

My Psychological Testing

I had psychological testing on February 28th, 2013. It was a long testing process. It took four and a half hours and I developed a headache and my throat was sore and swollen afterwards. It was even difficult to talk the following day. Anyway, it also took about nine weeks for the results to be returned. It was one and one with someone who does the testing, which was not my psychologist. I was excited and optimistic about it since I really wanted some conclusive results to identify what was wrong with me so I could be treated and get help.

We first discussed general info about me and my current mental state and how I was handling things. We then moved onto the Rorschach Inkblot test. And, this was the most time consuming. I had to tell her what I saw, and why I saw what I saw. Going into every little detail. I had to explain every single detail. When I saw something, she would ask, “Why does it look like that?” I actually looked up the test when I got home and looked at some common things people saw in the inkblots and was quite surprised because I saw many similar things. So, this was quite interesting.

Next, I did the Thematic Apperception Test where I was shown these black and white cards of people and a scene and I had to tell a story based on what I saw in the photo. Almost all of the ones I told were about death. People were dying, committing suicide, depressed, very negative. But, I think what was interesting, and I even brought this up to her, was that I tried to make the best of the negative situation. Even though I saw most of them as being negative, I tried to make the end of the story positive.

Next was an incomplete sentence test which was pretty much finish the sentence with the first thing that pops into your mind. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Then we did several multiple choice, and true and false tests. Things related to anxiety, mood, trauma, those sorts of things. One personality test was 422 questions.

And lastly, and probably my favorite, I had to draw a family doing something. I did not draw my family, but rather a mother, father, and daughter baking cookies in the park. There was an oven in the middle of the park and they were baking cookies. The mother said, “The cookies are almost ready.” And, the time on the oven was 4:42 and they were going to be ready at 4:43. And, that was a lot of fun.

My Testing Results

After that was all done and over with, it took quite a while to get the results back. She said it took so long because there was a lot of overlap and that my thinking was “very complex” as she put it. When I did get them back, they were inconclusive. As she was reading off what the results pulled, I was trying to hold back crying because in my mind it was so difficult to hear these things and how accurate they were. It made me feel so vulnerable and depressed that day.

During and after the session I was speaking to myself in the third person saying, “I feel so bad for her. She does not deserve a life like this. It is so difficult for her to deal with so many problems.” Of course I was talking about myself but couldn’t do so directly because of how difficult it was for me. It was something that was very common for me actually but I never realized it at the time.

The themes the testing pulled were: Severe depression, severe anxiety and trauma, overanalyzing / overthinking, themes of death / dying, introspective, keeping to self and pushing away others / loneliness, distorted reality / delusions, impulsiveness, self loathing / low self worth, anger and hatred towards self, others, and the world, thoughts being broadcast, read, or projected, and racing thoughts about multiple, unrelated topics.

This all just made me so upset. I received a twelve-page report going into more detail and it was painfully difficult to read. Some additional things were that the inkblot test returned that I was experiencing a fair amount of stress, which would result in depression. Impairment in my reality testing capacity where I tend to misperceive events and people’s actions. That I have a problem thinking logically. That I lack a well-defined coping style. That I demonstrate a limited ability to identify with real people in my life. That I instead, identify with partial objects, imaginary figures, or people who do not regularly participate in my everyday real world.

The Thematic Apperception Test stated that I said, “Most of these cards are depressing looking, but I managed to make them happy.” This suggests optimism and hope. However, this also indicates that I likely made an effort to see things optimistically which may suggest that I may also attempt to do the same in my life.

The family drawing suggested impairment in my reality testing due to the fact that it was impossible to make cookies in the oven in a park. I just see this as creativity. Also, since I didn’t draw my own family that it may suggest conflicts within my family and the picture I drew could be what I want my family to be like. Which I guess makes sense in a way. Like being an only child, that was born female, with both a loving and accepting mother and father. But, I had the complete opposite of this.

Other things include: I may be confused, withdrawn, and suspicious as well as experiencing poor judgment and reality testing. My score are typically associated with an active schizophrenic episode, that I may experience, delusions of persecution and grandeur, thought broadcasting, insertions, withdrawal, and control.

That I experience symptoms of anxiety such as periods of trembling and shaking, nervousness, jumpiness, feeling on edge, excessive worrying, and fears of bodily harm. I may appear hyper-alert and hyper-vigilant, experiencing post-traumatic reactions including nightmares, flashbacks, and upsetting memories that are easily triggered by current events and repetitive thoughts of an unpleasant previous experience that intrudes into awareness. That I have tendencies of distractibility, spacing out, and feeling out-of-touch with myself and my body. That I experience anxiety related to intense depersonalization.

And lastly, that my little interest in interpersonal relationships and discomfort in such situations may be a defense mechanism that I have developed to respond to an underlying fear of abandonment. In an effort to avoid any emotional pain, I may be experiencing some dissociative like symptoms and this should be explored further as much of this experience is not fully understood due to guardedness.

So, that summed up my testing results and pretty much my personality. It was difficult hearing all this since I felt so exposed. But, it’s the things that I am working so hard on to improve the quality of my life so I can hopefully one day take care of myself without the constant paranoid delusions, stress, anxiety, and just trauma and reliving trauma in general.

Additionally, I am very glad I became aware of these problems and didn’t live in denial my whole life about what happened in my past. Coming to terms with it was, and still is, difficult, but has definitely gotten easier now that I know why I am the way I am, as well as learning to accept the abuse that has been done to me.

If it wasn’t for that situation that occurred online in 2012 that shook me up, causing me to became paranoid, and making me aware of my problems, I probably wouldn’t ever have become aware of my mental state and furthermore, probably not be as interested in psychology and mental disorders as I am now. So really, that abusive, manipulative situation, while it was traumatic and difficult for me to deal with, even today it relives itself to some degree, there was a very positive outcome, which has allowed me to develop into a better, stronger person. And, this is how I see any struggle and traumatic event I have endured, to make me stronger of a person which is why I will continue to fight to be alive and push through these problems.

So, I hope this video was informative. Thanks for watching!

Additional Info

A very interesting event got me into psychology. It was an event that made me so paranoid and I recognized it. I remembering asking myself, “Why am I paranoid of this person?” From that moment forward I analyzed my behavior and became interested in the mind and psychology. I figured myself out. That event was a life changing event and I’m so glad it happened (despite it being traumatic). Additionally, hearing my testing results were quite depressing. But, when I look back and see my improvement I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I will continue to push through as well since it’s important to never give up and keep on focusing on positive future goals.

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