Hi everyone! I thought I’d discuss some more about my alters / personalities. Such as how they came to be and what their purpose is. I did a video where five of them introduced themselves. If you would like to see this, just click on the image up here. [Meet My Alters] This was one of the most difficult videos for me to do. It was weird and awkward watching it back, and very very upsetting and triggering for me to see. There seemed to be quite a big response which I was not expecting. So, I thought I’d do another video to clarify some things, answer some questions, and go into more detail.
That video was to help myself get a better understand of what was going on in my life. And, putting it online so others can learn more about me, if they are interested. It’s entirely up to you what you chose to watch and believe. Some people think I am a complete fraud. Some were saying I am doing all this for attention, that I am acting. Another said that some of the content I post is very detrimental to the mental health of others. All of this is entirely your opinion. You are free to express your opinion. You have the right to think whatever you want, and no one should stop you. But if you feel that way, fine. I know what I experience and struggle with and am doing this to overcome my mental problems. That is why I am doing it.
So anyway, the dominant personalities are the host and both protectors. They are one and the same really. The others seem to be a bit different. There really is no dissociation between the dominant ones. They are truly who I am as a whole. Well, all of them are me as a whole. I know that they are all me.
It was interesting that quite a few people really like the second protector, Iris. Furthermore, there were a few comments saying that the last one that was calling me fake and a liar, was the true me. I will discuss what I think of this later in the video.
As for questions:
Q: …I felt as if I was trapped inside my head. I could see what was happening, but I wasn’t in control of my body. Is this what you feel?
Q: I was wondering how did you come to do this video? Did you wait for your different personalities to come out or do you know how to make them come out by yourself?
Q: How did you manage to call out all these personalities on demand?
Q: No one is buying this, right? You can’t just TRIGGER your DID personalities like this…
A: Quite the contrary. When you can learn the triggers, it is easy to bring them out. Furthermore, another method is to communicate and bring them out on their own. Kinda like, in your mind saying, “Ok, I need you to come out and record a part about yourself.” Sometimes there will be no response, sometimes you can communicate with them and make an agreement like, “Ok, I’ll do it.”
Another way of imagining it, at least for me, are like doors in your mind. Each door representing a different personality state. Personally, I see the three dominant ones, the host and both protectors, residing all next to one another. And, others are more distant and further away, down a different hallway.
However, there are a few I would not want to trigger, one being the one calling me fake. That is very hard to deal with. So, I did not intentionally trigger those segments, they were triggered because I was already feeling down, and someone was saying something about what I was experiencing was all in my head. That triggers the alter calling me fake. That alter recorded a segment to be put online to get its word out about what it feels.
In a controlled situation and relaxed, for me at least, there is no memory loss. I am fully aware of what is going on. However, this isn’t always the case when out somewhere or in a very stressful situation. There have been times when I have dissociated when out somewhere and don’t realize it until I get back to my usual self. Which can sometimes be the next day or in the middle of the night. When I come back, there is a brief moment of, “What just happened, what is going on, how did I get here?”
What it seemed like to me is that I just woke up and what I was just experiencing was a dream. What happened does come back to me after a few minutes, it just doesn’t feel like I did it, like it was someone else controlling my body and I was sitting back watching or sometimes not even there. But, the memory does come back. I just don’t know why I was doing whatever I was doing and why I felt what I was feeling in the moment.
Now, when I come back to myself in the middle of the night or the next morning, which luckily hasn’t happened in quite a while, that is when I would be confused beyond belief. There were many times I would wake up around 1:30am, the time was consistent. I woke up because of the chatter going on in my head. That woke me up. My mind was on hyper drive. I was filled with regret, embarrassment, and confusion. The thoughts running through my mind were like ten people talking all at once. That is what it sounded like to me and it was frustrating.
I did not remember the day I had. It does come back to me slowly and I am just like, “Why did I do that? That was not me. Who was controlling me doing those things?” I’m just confused. I look in the mirror and am like, “Who is that?” Even looking at photographs I was like, “That’s not me? Who is that?” I became confused about who I was.
Once when I woke up the next morning and had the same feeling, it was a lot more intense. I felt like I was in a stranger’s house. I had to get my bearings while walking down stairs. It felt very awkward. I saw my grandmother and almost didn’t know who she was. I was like, “What is going on here? Why can I not remember?” That was at it’s worst and I don’t ever want to experience something like that again.
The host is the core of my being. Who I really am deep down. This side of me doesn’t surface very often because she is very vulnerable and hypersensitive to criticism. She usually wants to retreat from everyone because she feels unloved. She is very paranoid that people are out to get her and do her harm. Those that try and be nice to her have a hidden motive to do her harm, to get close to her and damage her already battered psyche.
Now, since I am a male to female transgender person, I use to be a male. I was born a male. However, the host seems to be different than that of the original host, the one that was present when the body was a male. After transitioning, everything shifted and changed. The original host, which was a male, seems to be gone now. He is, for the most part, gone and will never return because life was terrible as a male, since I am not male, nor identify as one. So, that male personality needed to be scrapped and a new, female personality created. But the new one, the host anyway, deals with pretty much the same things that the original male host did. Because, there is no escaping trauma in the past. When you try and you dissociate, it will not turn out well.
Before transitioning, the host only seemed to have one protector, which was Iris. However, both protectors are with the current host now. The host most of the time cannot be open on her own which is why the protectors step in to be the voice for her when she needs to be open.
Protector #1 – Autumn
Autumn is the first protector and is the primary one. She is the face of the host, or the mask of the host. In other words, she is the one that is almost identical to the host, but can go out into the world easier and express the views of the host without really any embarrassment because she feels it is not her, hence why there are such personal, private videos of myself online. There may be some impulsive decision making here as well. Almost everyone would meet her first and not the host.
When talking about serious topics such as self-harm and suicide, the emotions that they host has are not present in Autumn because it doesn’t feel like it happened to Autumn, like she doesn’t experiences it. She has inappropriate smiling and laughter which can make it look like she is joking about very serious topics, when in actuality she is covering up how much she is suffering on the inside, deep down. It’s all about covering up and protecting vulnerability, since if you can smile and laugh about something, it makes it easier to talk about.
Prior to transitioning, Autumn didn’t exist. There was no face for the host to hide behind. She, well he at the time, was almost always exposed and vulnerable. Plus, being a transsexual contributed to many problems the original host had. Autumn was born after transitioning when the new host was formed, to allow the new host to be more open, but not directly. It seems like she could’ve also been formed from a traumatic experience that occurred after transitioning. She got her name, Autumn, when starting these videos. The name Autumn suits her which is why it was chosen for her.
Since transitioning, Autumn’s role has been very successful. The host has been able to finally communicate, through Autumn of course. In the end, they are pretty much one and the same. The host is the thinking and reasoning, while Autumn is the voice, outward appearance, and abuse taker.
Autumn takes abuse differently than the host. She laughs at it and is not bothered by it. There is no amount of destructive criticism that can bring her down, unless it is so bad it pierces through to the host or another side of my personality.
Protector #2 – Iris
Iris is the second protector and has always been with me. The earliest time I recall was around age 14 or 15. Though, I think she was there a lot longer. She was always a female, and started as a voice in my head telling me everything will be alright.
When I was a male, she would say things to me to cheer me up when I was feeling down. Back then, I didn’t really accomplish much, but she kept saying, “Look forward to your future. You will accomplish your dreams. The road to get there will be difficult, but you can and you will achieve your dreams some day.” How right she was. She said I should plan on my future and forget about all the negativity because even if no one else believed in me, she said she did and knew I could prevail.
After transitioning, she has been there for me even more. She knows exactly how to cheer me out of a bad mood by saying things like, “You have been through so much and still struggle with a lot. Look at how much you have accomplished so far in your life! You have made it SO FAR and continue to push through the hard times. You know things will only get better because you have already made it this far. You are a very strong person.” The conversation that goes on in my head tends to get me out of the bad mood.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to always be around, but when she is, she can cheer anyone up due to her nature. In many ways, she resembles my grandmother since my grandmother was there for me to help me escape from the abuse I endured as a child. She helped protect me from what was going on. So, I think in many ways Iris has many characteristics of my grandmother.
Iris was chosen as her name because I felt it suits her. She has been able to express who she was in a physical form which is very different from Autumn.
The sexual alter was the most difficult to watch in the video. How I think she formed was due to hypersexualtiy during puberty and repressing all sexual thoughts and urges. For one, since I hated my body due to being a male but identifying as a female, I blocked out and denied any sexual thoughts and urges I had. I hated anything sexual and wanted to stay away, far away. Main reason being, I hated my body and my genitals.
But, and I never realized this at the time, but I had a very sexual side. I experienced hypersexualtiy and I think my hormones levels were too high. The sexual alter was mostly a male. But it could, at times, be a female. Fantasizing and thinking about both male and female sexual things. And, I wanted to block it out and wanted nothing to do with it. Sex, masturbation, any of that sickened me.
Now, there was something she said about doing very kinky things back when I was a male. And, I don’t want to admit this, but there were things I did, that involved only myself, that were way beyond the realm of normal sexual acts. I mean, we’re taking things that I would probably never share even with the most trusting person in the world because it sickens me. Thinking back to those things I did are so horrific for me to imagine. On multiple occasions, some of the things I did could’ve seriously gotten me sick or killed me. It brings back a lot of bad memories and triggers depression.
So, after transitioning, and taking hormones to suppress the testosterone, it eliminated the sex drive. I have no sex drive at all now. So, perhaps that really isn’t a good thing since I feel as though I am still blocking out sexual thoughts and urges. Which repressing anything is not good, which is why some of these alters were created to begin with. But, having the right body and genitals, has allowed me to get in control of my sex drive, versus it controlling me. I have complete control over the sexual alter and it will only fully come out in private.
Now, the other thing was, during the sexual alters’ segment, there was a reference she made to rape. That is nothing to joke about, it is very serious. Putting that online really exposed me, and I wanted to cut that part out. But, I didn’t because I really need to get past what happened. I’m not going to discuss what happened. I do not have memory of being raped, but it would not surprise me. But, what I will say is that when someone is abused, many times they can blame themselves for what happened. Other times they may unintentionally exaggerate what happened to them because in their mind it was so bad and traumatic. For this situation about rape, both of those are true.
It really upset me that someone asked, “as a male you were raped or was raping people?” That is a very triggering statement. You do not ask someone about rape. And, reading that back was not a good experience for me.
A question was:
Q: Do you ever get worried that your sexual alter will end up doing something that you don’t want when she is out? Also, what about your “Some Dude” alter that was featured in your “You can do it” video? Is he the sexual alter, only they switch back and forth between genders?
A: I am not worried about the sexual alter because I believe I have complete control over it now. I can let it come out in private and that’s about it.
As for the male alter in the “You Can Do It” video. No, he was a representation of the former male that I was that is no longer present. He is pretty much gone at this point. I know my “You Can Do It” video only had three that were in the “Meet My Alters” video. Those three being Autumn, Iris, and the sexual alter. The others were not present. But, I will discuss them later in this video.
? – Unknown
Next is the unknown alter, the one that calls me fake, a liar. This one is actually new. It was formed since making these videos. I believe early November 2013 was when it started surfacing and it quickly became stronger to the point where I lost control. It never said anything about itself in that video. It’s sole existence was to discredit me and my experiences.
I believe I know the three factors that contributed to it’s existence. It’s not uncommon for an alter to take on characteristics of an abuser or someone else. From what I know about trauma and dissociative disorders, and especially how it correlates with hypnosis, I can clearly see where this alter came from. First, people telling me that I can cure myself easily of my mental problems, or that I shouldn’t think the way that I do because it’s not real, saying it’s all in my head. Second, others saying I’m a liar, fake, conniving, deceptive. And third, me starting to question if what I am experiencing is real or all a lie and fake, perhaps even a delusion.
All of these reactions hurt me so badly because none of those people understood what it’s like to be paranoid and delusional and for them to say what I am experiencing is not real or that it can be cured just by thinking differently is pure crap. From what I’ve read about those with PTSD and dissociative disorders seem to be highly hypnotizable and suggestible. When I am in a very vulnerable mental state and highly suggestible, all those comments really got to me, made me depressed, vulnerable, and made me start questioning if what I am really dealing with is real or fake. Also, there have been times that I have been in denial about my own mental disorders.
In other words, these people were subliminally putting suggestions into my head and convincing me that what I was dealing with is not real and can go away just by stopping it. I started to become convinced. A trigger started to form where every time someone said something like that to me, that I was fake and that what I am experiencing is not real and all in my head, the feelings started to come back and it slow started as a voice in my head saying, “You are faking everything. Stop seeking attention.” It grew and grew from there. It took the form of those people that were telling me those things.
One morning when I was going to see my psychologist, it turned ugly. I woke up in the morning and read a comment from a user saying that I was conniving and half of the personal details are embellishment. This was a few hours before I had to leave. It triggered that voice in my head, calling me fake. It said that I better tell my psychologist how fake I am. Yelling and screaming in my head. On the drive over there it kept at it, saying that I needed to tell her. That it wasn’t going to do it for me because then she would think something is wrong. The voice said I needed to, but was convinced that I wasn’t going to and was going to block it out and not bring it up.
When I was in the waiting room, it was still there and surprised that it was still present. I went back to my psychologist and it took control. For half the session it went on and on about how fake I was, that everything is fake and exaggerated. She was confused why I was all of a sudden saying all this. She said it seemed very angry.
About half way through the session, I began laughing hysterically and started to feel myself returning. After a few seconds I was back. There was a moment of “what just happened? How did I get here?” My eyes were doing some really weird thing as well. Then all of a sudden, emotions just hit me. I felt so embarrassed by what just happened and began to cry which I’ve never cried in front of someone before.
The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, but it was the first time it felt dangerous. The feeling was almost like a dream. Like, when you are in a dream, it doesn’t feel like a dream, but when you wake up, you have to piece together the memory of what just happened in your dream. The part where I was calling myself fake felt like a dream after I came back to my normal mindset.
Now, quite a bit of what it says is true. I am not fake or lying about anything, but I can see where some exaggeration may come into play, or people perceiving what I am going though being a lot harder than it really is. Since I really don’t want to deceive people. Furthermore, it can easily point out my attention seeking behavior, and I can spot it now. So it isn’t all bad, but needs to chill out a little bit and not get on my nerves, threatening me, since it has threatened to cut me, or try to take me over. It can help me by doing what it’s doing, but not as drastic as it’s doing it.
One statement on the video was, “I noticed that the unknown alter’s eyes appear darker, like the actual color of the eyes, than at least Autumn and Iris’ eyes” Sorry, no. I doubt it. It was probably just the lighting and color grading of the video. That seems to be the most logical answer to me.
There is another alter that is very angry. Who is a narcissist / sociopath. It is a male. I don’t really know too much about it. I try and stay away from it and it has been some time since I have seen it. But, it threatens to hurt me and other people.
One night some time ago when I was trying to sleep, I felt as though there was a battle in my mind. It was saying evil thoughts to me in my head, trying to take me over. I was completely helpless. It was saying how it was going to hurt everyone and I just said, “No, you can’t do that. Stop!” It was a battle for control over my body. Luckily, one of the protectors stepped in and fought it off. It was a terrifying experience that I never wish to encounter again.
The trigger for it is extreme anger and hatred, particularly towards individuals. When someone deceives me and lies to me, messes with my head, it is triggered. It’s scary and I am afraid of it.
Child – Sophie
There is a child. An appropriate name for her is Sophie, as I consider that to be a child’s name. She is generally very playful. Though can be annoying to those that see her since, “A person in their 20’s acting like a five year old. How immature! What’s wrong with her?” That’s what people can say.
She hasn’t been around lately. I’m not sure what the triggers are. She is not a dominant personality and not much is known about her. I do remember in the past when I use to have much more of a child side, it was in control a lot more frequently. But, I do not know too much about it.
The male I use to be when I was living as a male, is pretty much gone now. Well, he is still there of course, but bringing him back is very painful. It floods my mind with all the memories of being a male and I never, ever, want to go back to that, and I never, ever will.
Lastly, and I think the most dangerous one is one I don’t know about. There seems to be at lease one that I feel is behind the scenes and pulls all the strings. It uses all these ‘alters’ as pawns to achieve its ulterior motive. It controls everything.
I’ve thought that it is either an alter of mine, or that I am being brainwashed or under mind control and lead to believe it is me, when it is actually an external party that is controlling my every action, or that this is all a delusion made up in my mind. What is a delusions and what isn’t anymore to me. I’ve been having a very difficult time discerning what is real and what isn’t.
Maybe everything I experience is all a delusion. Maybe it’s all made up in my mind. I think this other person controls my thoughts and actions, and I discovered this and it terrifies me. I feel as though my every action is controlled by this individual. And, this individual does not feel like me. Whether or not this is an alter that is trying to control me behind the scenes, or I am under mind control, or it is all a delusion, it’s very real to me.
I’ve thought very recently that the only way to release the control was to commit suicide. But, at the same time I thought perhaps this is what they want me to do. I don’t know anymore. I’m just at a complete loss. Is this real? Is it fake? Is it me, am I brainwashed, is it a delusion? Am I really being controlled by an outside force? Maybe I’m just overthinking all of it. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore if everything in my life is being controlled for malicious purposes.
So, I hope this video was informative. Thanks for watching!