Hi! Just wanted to make a video and, you know, I don’t really like to be away from my computer or anything, or do anything like without all it being planned up and scripted and everything, because it’s usually very difficult for me to say everything and get it all down and just as soon as the camera starts recording I just, it’s just completely different. You know, it just…like right now it’s recording and it’s just different than…I don’t know, it just feels different.
But, really I just wanted to say that…mainly just thanking everyone who has just been so supportive and accepting to me. And, you know, just the things that I say. And, what I deal with. Because I know that there are a lot of people who are not accepting to me. And really, doing these videos and just the response that I have gotten really has completely changed my life. And really I can’t stress that enough because it really has. Because, before I really started doing any videos at all, you know, what was I doing with my life? I wasn’t really doing anything. I was in my room, not talking with anyone really, not doing anything. So, what kind of life is that? I didn’t have a life at all. I was just doing nothing. And, you know, I…that’s how it was after I got out of high school, and that was in 2008.
And, you know, I just transitioned in 2012, and, you know, that really helped a lot. And then, you know, surgery in 2013. I really was hoping that after all that, that things would definitely improve. And, it was just the same thing. I just didn’t do anything, I didn’t go anywhere. You know, and it was like, there was definitely a change after all that, but it was just still the same. You know, I just had such a difficult time doing anything and talking with people and being able to show how I really feel about things. Which is, you know, just when you see the videos and I have them planned out and I have them all written up and scripted and everything, and they’re being read back, I mean yeah it’s like…it doesn’t really feel like the emotion is there because, you know, it just…I have a very difficult time, you know, showing my emotion.
Well, you know, I feel as though I can express it to myself, like you know, I know like how I’m feeling and know what’s going on. But, I feel so vulnerable showing other people how I feel. You know like, when I go on there, you know, talking about serious things and I have like a smile on my face. And it’s because, you know, trying to hide how much I am struggling with something. And, you know like, even doing this right now, you know, I…it’s very difficult for me to show how I’m feeling.
But, you know just, that’s how it was my whole life like back before I transitioned when I was a male, you know, I didn’t even know how I was feeling, you know, I was just depressed and I didn’t even know it. Not at all. And, you know, I…the reason why I started doing the videos was because I needed something to change in my life. Because, you know, just being in the house all the time and not doing anything. I didn’t see any future for me at all. There was no future. So, I wanted to do something that I could do alone here in my room and just, you know, plan things out, be able to talk about things that I’ve dealt with. You know, very real and very serious things.
And, you know, being able to just do it in the comfort of my own room and just in front of a camera with no one else watching and then putting that online to be able to…For one, being able to express myself because, you know, I didn’t have anyone to really express myself with, to talk about what was going on. I mean, yeah I had my family or, you know, one friend that I have, or my psychologist. But, you know, all that is in person. And, all those people know me personally. And, I’m more comfortable with telling a complete stranger things versus someone that knows me. Because, you know, I fear a lot of judgment from people that know me personally. When they know me personally, you know, it’s a lot of judgment I fear, because of it.
So…I don’t really remember what I was even saying anymore. So, the videos that I do, you know, I was able to truly show what I was struggling with and dealing with. Because I really needed to express myself somehow. And I said, “Well what better way then be able to do it from my home?” And, to put things online about myself and to…not only that but be able to help other people. Because, you know, before I started doing the videos when I looked up videos on…I’ve watched quite a few videos on transgender related things and mental health related things and all those people are so wonderful who do those sorts of things online. But, there was also a lot that was like, wasn’t being said. And, I really thought that I could bring a lot to the community, to be able to, you know, talk about things that haven’t been talked about. And more importantly, share my own experiences with them, with the sort of things I deal with, transgender, mental health, and just everything else. Show my own views.
Because I mean, you know, you can find tons of information. But, personal experiences are something that you’re not going to be able to find anywhere else. Personal experiences are one of a kind. And, you know, mine…everyone’s personal experiences are different. You know, mine was, you know, something quite a bit different because of just everything that I went through. And, you know, it’s very difficult seeing those videos of myself online because they just…I know that I should do it. I know that they should be up there. I’m not…they’re not going to be deleted despite the fact that I want them deleted. Really, I really do because I see them and it’s like, you know, so much is being exposed about myself. It really is, that’s what I see. You know, just like, “Oh my gosh! Why am I talking about my most personal details on there?” But, it’s like when I watch it, you know, it’s like not me. But, it is me of course. So, it’s just quite a lot to handle. But, if I can help people then I think it is very much worth it.
I really do thank you all because you have helped me. Helped me a lot more than you know. But, also doing the videos has just been bad as well, I mean, it’s been very good being able to express myself, but on the bad end, you know, it’s really taken a toll on me. Because, you know I mean, there is a lot of negative response too. But, I mean, it’s not just the negative response which I’ll talk about in a minute, but the…just going back to my past and talking about those things. I never thought I could talk about those things, ever. Never. And, I did. I put it all online. You know, it was…everything. Everything that I’ve said is just very very real and very very true and, you know, that makes me feel very very vulnerable, putting all that online. But, I know in order for me to overcome this vulnerability it has to be done. And, that’s why I am pushing through to be able to do it.
So, another thing is, you know, I…going back to all those memories in my past, you know, it just, it was just a really wild, wild time. You know, just going back to that and pretty much like reliving it in a sense and uncovering things that, you know, were completely repressed in my mind that I didn’t even realize. I mean, there is still a lot more that I don’t even remember, but from what I do it was just…it’s shocking to me. It really is. And it’s, you know, the two hardest videos I did, you know, just were very very very triggering to me and I just did not want to watch it because it was so painfully difficult for me to watch. I just didn’t want to do it. You know, but I do it to be able to overcome the issues. That’s why I do it.
I know I put a lot of myself out there and make myself seem very vulnerable. But, it’s really, in the end, it’s to help me. And, another thing is just to help anyone else who’s dealing with that sort of thing, who can’t go online or talk about their issues to anyone. Like how I use to be. So, I am willing to give up my, you know, privacy to be able to help other people who are in that situation that I was in, who couldn’t express themselves. You know, and certainly things have gotten a lot better since doing the videos. I feel as though I am able to express myself a lot more. I mean, it’s still very very difficult, but I am able to do it more.
I mean, it’s still, you know, very difficult to make any friends or anything because, you know, just everything that I’ve been through. I’ve only ever had one, like I’ve only managed to really like keep one good friend that I talk with occasionally. Like, you know, maybe a few times a month or about a month or so. You know, just depending on certain things. But, that was a friend that I made before, you know, all these issues started to come up in my life. After all the issues came up, I just was completely unable to make any friends. People would just think I was just too much. And, you know, I need to tell someone from the very beginning, you know, all about me so they do not deceive me and lie to me later. I’d rather just come out right away, with everything that I’ve dealt with and all that sort of thing, than just be like…Because what I’ve noticed is like the more someone knows about me over time, it’s like they just are like, “Oh, I don’t, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” And, there have been a few people that, you know, I feel as though have gotten to be rather good friends over the years. And, it’s like the more and more they begin to know about me, it’s like, they just want nothing more to do with me. And there were certainly a few people that I could consider a very very good friend, you know, who got pretty close to me. And, you know, I began to trust certain individuals. And then it just…they just stopped talking with me. And, you know, that’s just so devastating to me.
And now, anytime there is like, you know…that relives itself constantly when I’m talking with people online now. You know, I am talking with someone, people regularly, and I can tell that they’re, you know, getting closer to me and I can start to almost consider them a friend and it’s like, you know, what goes through my mind is everything in my past again, just reliving all that. It’s repeating itself. And because, you know, just like, well the first thing that is going through my mind is like, “Well what is this person going to do to hurt me? How are they going to hurt me? What are they going to do to deceive me?” You know, that’s what I see. Because they have a hidden motive. You know, and I realize that now. I don’t want that to be, and I truly do try to ignore it, I really do because I don’t want the paranoia to control my friendships that I can make, but ultimately it does. Because I really don’t want to think that. But, from how I was, how things happened in the past, you know, it happens.
You know, and it’s just like, when am I going to get to the point where I can be able to truly trust someone and them not deceive me? I mean, it doesn’t matter how many times someone says, “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not going to deceive you. I’m going to continue communicating with you.” You know, why should I believe that if people in the past have said that so many times as well and then they end up lying to me and not talking to me anymore? So, it’s very very difficult.
Or just, you know, the people online…I mean, you know…I don’t really take as much offense to the people who say hateful things to me online. I mean, yeah, I get that. I mean, you have the right to say that. I mean, yeah, it’s hurtful, absolutely, but it’s just I can’t stand it when people who don’t know the situation that I’m in, or people who even do, say things like what I’m experiencing is not real. Or that I can change my thinking so easily just by not doing something or that I’m lying and faking, and that there is a cure, an easy, easy cure for the way that I’m thinking and my mental problems. And that just really really upsets me. And that really really gets to me. And, you know, just during the time that I’ve been on here and all the people saying it, it really has affected me. It got to the point where I’ve begun to question if what I’m experiencing at all is real. I don’t even know anymore. I mean, is everything that I’m experiencing real, or is it all in my head?
You know, I mean, to me it all seems very very real. It does. It seems truly 100% real. And, I can’t, you know…it feels real to me. So, and other people just don’t understand that. And, you know, there is just so many people saying it, and it just makes me think if, you know, it is all in my head. And, if it was then that would just be…just the craziest thing because how could something that feels so real to me just all be in my head? You know, everything that I discuss feels real to me, it’s what I deal with. You know, I don’t…what’s the reason in lying about anything? It all seems real to me, but I’ve begun to really question now if maybe it is all a lie. Maybe it is all just made up in my mind. You know, and it just started to really create like a, like a huge trigger going on now where someone says something to me, like you’re deceptive and faking, or that I can cure myself so easily and that I am possessed by demons I’ve heard. And it just triggers, you know, those thoughts in my head it’s like, “Oh you’re faking everything. You’re lying about everything.” And, it just progressed and progressed and just got worse and worse to the point now where a lot of times when I’m experiencing just anything at all like anxiety at all, and all those sorts of things, that I’m just like, “Well, is it real?”
So anyway, for someone to say that what I’m experiencing is not real and that it’s all just in my head, it just really does affect me. And, you know, I begin to question now if like when I am in the middle of experiencing something, just in my head I just hear, “No, everything you’re experiencing is fake. You’re a fake, liar.” And, all this and it’s just…that really got out of control. You know, so much to the point where it’s like now whenever I read someone saying that I am faking something or exaggerating or that I can cure myself so easily, and just get rid of what I am experiencing, then that’s a very big trigger for that voice in my head saying, “No, everything you say is fake. Everything you do is fake.” And, you know, it got very bad at one point where, you know, told my psychologist about how fake I was. You know, but I mean it wasn’t like…it didn’t feel like me doing it. But, I mean, yeah it was me doing it. I’m the one who said that. But, you know, to me it seems like, you know, I was very heavily influenced by all the people, you know, questioning or saying things about, you know, what I’m going through and them not understanding what I’m going through, and them just being judgmental, even though they are trying to be positive. I mean, I understand that, like some people saying, “You shouldn’t let this stuff get you down. You should not think about that.” And, I get that that’s a very positive thing to say that. But to me, it really affects me because it’s like you’re not…you don’t know what it’s like to experience those sort of things that I’ve experienced. So, when I’m talking about something and I say, “I experience this,” then I experience it. And, you know, I can hope and wish to be rid of it, like I would like. But, it’s not going to just magically go away. It just doesn’t work like that.
You know, I’m not going to be able to really, you know, change those sort of things about myself. But, learning to be able to deal with it and cope with it is what I am working on. Because that is the primary thing. When you’re dealing with some kind of mental disorder or mood disorder or just any kind of thing going on, like I definitely have experienced, it’s not so much about how you can change that. Because, if there are things that are part of your personality because of how you grew up and how you are exposed during certain situations when you are a child. You know, they’re implanted in your personality and they’re who you are. You can’t really change them. You need to like, you know, start all over again to be able to change them. But instead, you need to be able to cope with it. To be able to understand the disorders, what you’re going through, and learn to deal with it so it’s not impacting your life as badly. And, that is what I’m working on and I think that I am doing a fairly decent job of that.
You know, it’s…there is no way to really change how my personality is. Because, you know, everything will need to change around. You know, like for me to get rid of all my paranoia about people, suspiciousness, you know, I would need to be able to communicate with some people, be able to trust them, and for them to, you know, not deceive me, and not lie to me. But, it’s like at the same time, I can’t fully trust them or believe them because of what I’ve been through in the past.
So, I think that’s pretty much all I wanted to really say. I have to say, just please don’t be concerned about me. You know, I really don’t like to read when people say, “Oh, I feel so bad for you,” and, you know, “You’ve had a hard life. How can you deal with all this?” And just, you know I mean, I understand that you may be trying to be positive there, but I don’t like people feeling bad for me. I, you know it’s, this is my life, this is how things are. I mean, to me, I mean, yes, I see it being difficult. But, you know, I don’t really see it the way other people see it. Other people see it a lot more difficult than I see it myself. I mean, yes, I mean it’s not a life that most people would want to live. Just, not going anywhere, not really having anyone to talk to, not having any friends really. That is not a life.
So, the people saying, you know, just…people’s interpretations of that because their life is different. They may have people that they can talk to and relate to and all that sort of thing. Whereas I really don’t. And, I think that’s where the difference is. You know, this is my life, this is what I know, this is what I’m comfortable with at the moment. You know, I definitely would like to change that in the future, and I’m working hard to do that. And, making the videos has been the first big step. And especially, you know, just being able to express myself, what I’m going through, and just all of that. It’s just been such a wonderful thing.
And a wonderful thing knowing that I’ve been able to help people. Because, you know, I never thought that I could. Never thought that I could put myself on the Internet, because of how scary it was. And, I did. And, I’ve been able to help people. People have been able to relate to me. But not only that, just knowing that there are other people out there that struggle with some similar things as me. It’s just a really amazing thing because I thought I was the only one in the world. I’m sure a lot of you people out there feel that way too. Because, when you don’t…when you’ve never met anyone, never talked with anyone, and all of a sudden you know, you’re going online and you’re like, “Wow! This person is saying a lot of the same stuff that I’ve been through.” You know, and then you leave a comment saying that, you know, how much you can relate to what I have to say and it’s really nice to understand that there are other people out there who struggle with the similar things. Because it is…it’s very nice, it really is very nice to know that.
So, that is going to be it for this video. I think that was everything I wanted to say. You really just…I really do want to thank you all. It really does make me very happy. Because, the videos have been the first big step for me to be able to get out of the hole I’ve been in for years. Well, not necessarily the first big step. I think the first big step was transitioning. And, the second big step was being able to do these videos and express myself and what I’m going through. You know, and…one step at a time.
So, thank you all again for all your support, and for all your acceptance, for all of you who’ve stayed with me, and all you new people who are, you know, just finding me, and that I could relate to or you can relate to me, or whatever. Just all the wonderful people who leave nice comments on my videos. You know, all of that really means a lot, it really does. And, you know, I really can’t express just how much it does me to me, but it really does. So, thank you so much!
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My most ‘real’ video I have done since it’s completely unscripted and uncut (besides the camera overheating at one point where I had to cut). But regardless, this video I truly spoke from who I really am. I got out things I never was able to before and even cried on camera which was my first time. But watching it back, I can see how I tried to hide it. I turned away. It was something I am familiar with since I use to hide myself and who I really was my whole life. This was a changing moment to move past this and make progress. I think this is one of my most important videos to document my progress.