Hi everyone! I thought I’d answer some more of your questions and read back weird messages. There’s quite a bit so I apologize if I couldn’t get to yours.
But first, due to this messed up Google+ commenting system, I apologize if it appears your comment was deleted. Just to let you know, I do not delete any comments on my videos. I don’t care how hateful and abusive it is, you have the right to say whatever you want. I may not like it or approve of such vile comments, but I respect your right to post them.
Anyway, I’ve noticed comments and replies disappearing and reappearing spontaneously, at random times. There are so many comments missing from my videos which is very upsetting to me. So, if your comment is not there, especially when logged out, blame it on Google+ because I would never delete comments since I respect all of them, good or bad.
Some comments are being marked as spam when they clearly are not. So, at the time I had to manually go to each video and check and approve the ‘spam’ comments. Also, if you reply to someone and your reply is marked as spam, the person you replied to will not be notified, even if I approve it. This destroys the conversation because the person will never know you responded to them.
No one can see your comment if you have it set to private and don’t include anyone else. Also, people will not be able to respond to your comments if you do not have “Who can comment on your public posts?” not set to “anyone.”
Some top comments are pure hateful messages telling me I’m mentally ill and a disgusting fucker, tranny, and that I should do porn. I mean vile, repulsive messages that are at the top for everyone to see, while the good ones are hidden at the bottom, or just completely gone. I don’t know why Google+ thinks those are top comment, but thanks a lot Google+, the comments sure are better now. It sucks!
Q: Are you a virgo by chance?
Q: I’m thinking, a Gemini ?
A: Let’s play a game here. Let me know in the comments what zodiac sign you think I am and why. Additionally, let’s extend it further. What else intrigues me is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or MBTI. If you are not aware of what it is, you can look it up and take tests to see what personality type you are. Anyway, let me know what you think I am as well, and why you think that. I’m very interested in hearing what you think about that. And, I will answer both what my zodiac sign and MBTI personality type are in a video in the future. [Aries INFJ]
Q: Where is your accent from? I’m guessing New England/Northwest US?
A: Do I have an accent? A lot of people have said this. I have heard Long Island, NY, Holland, and this isn’t the first I’ve heard New England. I don’t know? I’m from the Eastern United States. I don’t know what else to tell ya.
Q: I’m curious about the speech impediment you mentioned.
A: I couldn’t pronounce certain words correctly, mainly like ‘r’s.’ I would pronounce world and girl incorrectly. I also stuttered a lot. I still do stutter quite a bit actually.
Q: Is it possible to be schizophrenic yet not show symptoms daily? I used to be really smart. I still am. Sometimes. Sometimes I can’t put a sentence together, and other times it’s like I’m back to my old self. :/
A: You described my experience exactly. It is very possible to not experience symptoms daily. Some people may, some people may only experience it several times a month. It depends on how severe the disorder is for you, how you cope with it, and exactly what disorder you have. There are various forms of schizophrenia.
I know those with mental disorders tend to be more creative, but intelligence varies. With schizophrenia, there is a cognitive impairment. Someone could be very intelligent but completely lack social skills.
Like you, there are times that I have extreme difficulty getting the correct words out, and no one has a clue what I’m talking about. I’m trying to explain something and no matter how many times I repeat it a different way in hopes they will understand, they still don’t get it. Which is very frustrating.
This was about paranoia and delusions:
Q: May I ask what you mean by ‘coming to get you’? Will something bad happen to you?
A: Yes, I believe people will come and do me harm. I fear the hidden motives of others. For example, when people smile at me and say, ‘Hi,’ it’s much more than that to me. I see a hidden motive, a plot they have. Perhaps they are working with all the other people that said this to me that day to conspire against me and do me harm. That is how my mind functions.
This was also in reference to paranoia and delusions:
Q: Have you ever thought maybe your being haunted by spirits?
A: Good point actually. I have had some spiritual encounters in the past, or what I thought was a spiritual encounter. Honestly, it’s hard to discern from what is a spiritual encounter and a hallucination. I don’t know.
Q: i’ve read that alters can have different physiological differences, such as heart rate and blood pressure and other differences which hard hard to fake. what are your thoughts one these differences do you think they are valid or not?
A: Yes, any kind of difference, small or large, or even really no change, is all valid. Though, I have to disagree that, with the example you provided, heart rate and blood pressure changes are hard to fake. If anything, heart rate and blood pressure are quite easy to manipulate. I could be in a situation that makes me feel anxious, or even just think about my heart rate increasing, or something that makes it increase, and my heart rate and blood pressure will start to rise. It’s possible, just with thought alone, to change these. It would be easy for someone, once they learn how their body operates, to change these on the spot, just by thinking about it.
I don’t think there will really be any significant evidence to suggest the existence of this disorder. Brain scans, EEG, or any other type of data, whether it be with the brain, heart, or anything else, I don’t see how it can actually prove the disorder exists. Main reason being is that it is a fact that depending on your mood, anxiety level, and many other things, brain waves and heart rate can change drastically and unpredictably.
I don’t think there will ever be any reliable evidence when it comes to physical, emotional, or psychological changes. All of that is merely proof of how powerful the mind is. Hypnosis is not necessarily proof either, but is the core of what happens in severe dissociation, the tool that is utilized. Hypnosis is dissociation and only validates how powerful the mind is. The power of the mind is the evidence of the disorder. Proving the power of the mind is the proof of dissociative identity disorder. Make sense?
This was in regards to the dating site:
Q: is it possible you were talking to one of your other personalities ,because you say you have mpd?
A: That would be the craziest thing in the world. But no, I know that was not possible. I know 100% who the real people are.
Q: What do you think of doctor-assisted suicide? Do you think that the right to die is a fundamental human right?
A: Well, I believe people should be in charge of their own life. As long as they are not negatively affecting anyone else in the process. If someone wants to die, I think a lot of careful consideration needs to be taken first. All other options should be considered before death. So, in short, yes, but only if it is planned and their quality of life has deteriorated and all other options are considered first.
Q: Have you actually had a professional diagnosis or have you self diagnosed yourself with mental illness?
A: I do not believe in self-diagnosis. Though, the disorders I talk about I can relate to in various degrees. I have had a professional diagnosis of various things, then they change. Even after extensive testing the results are inconclusive. I honestly don’t even know what I have and don’t think I will really ever know.
Q: If you are bipolar, how will we know if all those histories/reports are true (that you are transgender, for example). How will we know it’s not a delusion?
A: I honestly don’t even know anymore. Perhaps I am all a lie, exaggerating and faking everything, and don’t have anything I talk about, even if it feels real to me. Perhaps I brought this all upon myself, and maybe have only myself to blame. Maybe it is all a delusion, or maybe the delusions are self-induced and fake. Perhaps my behavior is all fake to make me seem special. I suppose I am deceptive and manipulative on such a deep level that no one can tell. If I am a liar, then I apologize. I honestly don’t even know anymore. I’m sorry.
Q: how comes you’ve been able to transition with all those mental disorders, in France and in the USA in order to transition you have to show and prove no mental disorders.
A: This is because I hid it all. People would ask me if I was depressed, or struggling with something, and I would always answer ‘no.’ I lied because I didn’t want to expose myself, and didn’t want to risk not being able to transition. I do not advise this. However, back then, I thought my issues were related to my gender identity. But, after transitioning, I soon realized it was much more than that, or so I thought. I don’t know.
Q: I’ve watched several of your videos now. And in at least 2 of them, you’ve mentioned that you don’t consider being trans to be a mental illness. And I know that the vast majority of trans individuals would agree.
The current scientific thinking, with regard to transsexuality is that it occurs as a result of problems that develop in utero as hormones determine the brain’s gender identity. But many, if not all, mental illnesses are thought to have a genetic basis. So I wonder how it is that being trans is not a mental illness.
Granted, the term “mental illness” carries allot of stigma & perhaps should be abolished altogether. But is not a condition of the brain that causes a person to be trans not essentially dissimilar from one that causes a person to develop major depression or schizophrenia?
A: That’s a valid point and quite honestly I do not know. There are many reasons someone would feel like the opposite sex and go through with changing it. [Transgender Mental Disorder] Though if it was a mental disorder, the treatment for it compared to schizophrenia for example, is very different. Someone who is schizophrenic may have to take medication to balance how their brain functions. While a transgender individual could be diagnosed with major depression, and taking medication would not help them at all, because the underlying reason is that they need to transition to be happy. The treatment is vastly different.
However, those with body dysmorphic disorder may have similar issues. Hating their body, pointing out the flaws. There are so many theories, yet not enough research to suggest what makes someone transgender, if it is or isn’t a mental disorder.
Q: Did you get FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery)
A: No, I didn’t.
Q: Are you sure you removed your Adam’s Apple? I can still see it?
A: Yes, I’m sure it’s gone now. I understand it is a little visible. It cannot be full shaved down, plus I am very thin so it’s more visible.
Q: Do you have to get pelvic exams now? There’s no uterus or ovaries in there so I would assume you wouldn’t need a pelvic exam, right?
A: True, a male to female who underwent SRS will not need to get exams for that reason. However, they still have a prostate, which does need to be checked. But after SRS, this can be checked through the vagina, instead of the anus. So yes actually, one will need to get an exam, but for the prostate and not the uterus.
Q: can have anal sex after srs??
A: Sure, if that’s something you’re into, it certainly is possible. It shouldn’t interfere unless a complication occurred.
Q: Could you please explain why you hated yourself for masturbating?
A: When I was a male, before I was living full time, I hated it. I think a lot was hormone related because after I began taking hormones, I actually didn’t hate masturbation. Of course it felt awkward and unnatural since I felt female, and didn’t have the correct parts down there. Now, after surgery, I do not hate it and it feels right to me. So before hormones, hated it. After hormones, didn’t hate it, but it felt abnormal. After surgery, didn’t hate it and it felt right.
Q: Do you miss being able to ejaculate with sperm?
A: Not at all, that was something I was looking forward to when starting hormones. I am very glad that is done and over with.
Q: I have always been curious to what upholds the vagina wall in a transsexual? Does it grow into place, or are there a chance of it getting loose if the man is too rough? A normal vagina engorge when the woman is sexually aroused, I suppose this is impossible to achieve through surgery, so is a transsexuals vagina the same length all the time?
A: Good question that I am not entirely sure myself. I know it isn’t always the same size. It can stretch, but is severely limited compared to a genetic female.
Q: I know in a normal vagina the walls of the vagina begins to swell and exude a fluid out through the small ducts in the first inch or so of the vagina – but that cannot be recreated yet either I suppose, so do you need lube, and don’t you get super dry down there on an everyday basis?
A: A male to female will never be able to produce the amount of fluid as a genetic female would. There is some during arousal, but seems to not come from the vagina itself, rather the urethra area. I haven’t really noticed any dryness on an everyday basis. Then again, I am still dilating every day, which lubricates it.
Weird message time. This guy said:
WM: You’re good looking for a dude.
WM: Hey dude you’re pretty good looking, man. Went overboard on the eye shadow, but nice pale skin.
A: Hey lady, thanks for the compliments mam. You know miss, or is it misses, that’s not offensive girl.
WM: U look weard – Are u really a guy like they said in the comments
WM: Autumn, I know you are into women and not men but as I watched your video –you are so pretty–I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering and thinking I would like to be your dilator some of the times. And I hope to not offend you by saying that. Naughty thoughts.
A: Oh my gosh! Who says that?
WM: I hope you realize that you don’t actually have a vagina, you just have mutilated genitals. So unnatural
A: Actually, I realize that I do have a vagina, and it doesn’t look mutilated at all. I guess you’ve never seen a vagina so you wouldn’t even know.
WM: NEED TO STAND UP SOMETIMES SO I CAN VIEW UR TIDDIES… LOOKS LIKE THAT SHEEIT IS FLAT…
TELL US NEXT TIME IF U HAD SEX WITH UR NEW VAGINA.. AND HOW IT FELT.. OK?
WM: CAN U SH0W UR B00BS SIZE? IN SHIRT I MEAN.
WM: First : You are mentally ill because you changed your sex! Second: You are not beautifull at all and if I see you during the night I will be so scared that I won’t be able to say my name. Third: All these people who commented that you’ve done the right thing and that you are beautiful, are mentally ill people too! Suck it, jerks!
WM: At least the boy in the clip should try to look like he used to in one of the pictures he showed as a girl. There he or she is good looking, but now this black make – up is giving him the impression of a murderer from a horror movie, he or she whatever… He’s happy like that ok.
A: First you criticize my gender, then my appearance. Well then, I guess we’ll have to see if you keep your word about being scared at night when you see me! ♫ [Ominous music] ♫
WM: I didn’t finish the video coz i was disturbed w/ that scary make up. I’m sure you can come up w/ other ways to hide yourself but anyway it seems like I’m the only one bothered w/ it.
WM: when she closes her eyes she looks hella scary
A: [closes eyes] ♫ [Ominous music] ♫
WM: whats with all the black crap around your eyes? it makes you look like a ghoul.
A: Well duh, I am ghoul.
And, another by the same user:
WM: drop the goth look, you look like a zombie with that black crap.
A: Well duh again, I am a zombie too!
WM: you would be so much prettier without those ugly retarded eyebrows,
WM: do you know how terrible you look with those eyebrows
And others from different users:
WM: your eyebrows are very distracting
WM: I browse
WM: Your eyebrows….are distracting. I can’t hear what you are saying because I am thinking about your makeup.
A: Gosh, eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows! Yes, my eyebrows, look at them, they are weird. Ok, I get it.
WM: Damn your cute as hell very cute goth girl i could romance you with bauhaus vinyls hehe :P
A: My dream come true!
WM: Will you do porn
WM: i want to destroy your anus.
A: Gosh, what is the obsession with anuses? I’ve heard this sort of thing many times. What is the obsession?
WM: goth surgery ??
A: Alright, how did you know I had goth surgery? That’s a very rare and exclusive surgery. And, I was one of the lucky few that was picked to test it out. As you can see, it went quite well.
WM: what are holding in your mouth ? the yellow thing
A: What?! WHAT!?!?!? What does that mean? What are you talking about?
Alright, that’s all for now. If you have any questions please let me know in the comments. I do read them all, despite the fact that the majority of them disappear after some time. Also, please let me know what zodiac sign and MBTI personality type you think I am. I’m very interested in knowing what you think. [Aries INFJ] Thanks for watching!