My Childhood & Teenage Years as a Transgender Schizophrenic with PTSD
The story of my past (childhood, teenage years, middle and high school) and the struggle I had at becoming my true self, through the mental disorders and trauma. It was a difficult journey as I struggled with my gender identity as a male to female and endured severe trauma from a very early age, including abandonment.
(This was the most difficult video I have done. A big thank you to anyone who watches the entire thing!)
—CHAPTERS— 0:54 – Childhood Years 8:32 – Preteen & Teen Years 12:04 – Middle School – Abuse 14:27 – Middle School – Anger 16:51 – High School – Abuse 24:25 – High School – Anger & Delusions 29:28 – High School – Aftermath 32:30 – Present Day
—RELATED VIDEOS— ► Paranoia & Delusions – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWATcSPTnqA ► Self-Harm & Suicide – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSJzRodZX-g ► Dating & Relationships – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POtSKxqymS4 ► My Transition Story – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHsK_K-IZQI
Table of Contents
Hi everyone! This video is going to be about my past, such as my childhood and teenage years, how things were for me in middle and high school, and the struggle I had with my gender identity and becoming my true self, through the mental disorders and trauma. This is a very lengthily life story, but is divided into sections you can access by looking in the description. So, thank you to anyone in advanced who watches the entire thing.
I apologize if I am smiling at any of this because this is not anything to smile about. As a general warning, this video could be triggering to some individuals since it includes references of trauma, abandonment, abuse, and bullying, among other things. So please watch with caution.
My childhood is very difficult for me to talk about, and is also something I really don’t remember because it was so traumatic I blocked most of it out. There is only a small amount I remember, some good, some bad. So, a lot of the information provided here was given to me by my family that knows about my past. Of course, these people don’t know everything that happened to me and I suspect a lot is being intentionally hidden from me as well.
So, ever since I was a child I was severely abused. Physical abuse, I was hit, kicked, slapped around, anything you could imagine. Not just by one person, but by multiple people. I remember being suffocated at one point. One thing that was told to me was that at some point I was tied up to a chair by someone I didn’t know because I was out of control. I don’t know how long or if anything else happened, but it sounds like a terrifying moment for a child. Emotional abuse, I was called names, but more seriously, I was abandoned by so many people. I’ll get to that in a minute. Sexual abuse, it wouldn’t surprise me if things were done to me. But, there are also things that I have done that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I cannot go back and change my past, and if I did, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today.
I had nowhere to escape, I was trapped. The only release I got was when I went to my grandparent’s. They were always nice to me and never neglected me. That was the one place I felt safe and could have attention. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I would be today.
Regarding abandonment, I was neglected by most people. My mother never paid much of any attention, plus I never had a father that was actively in the picture. I did see him a very few times, but I don’t know what we did, if anything. Shortly thereafter, someone else from that side of the family started spending time with me, and we became very close. We would go on adventures and I really had a lot of fun. She was there for me during the times I couldn’t be with my grandparents.
One day she was supposed to come pick me up, but she never showed up. People tried to get ahold of her, but there was no response. I thought she died. There are a lot of mental problems that run in my family, especially on that side, my father’s side, so perhaps that is why they left me, and perhaps where I got some of the issues I have today. I don’t know that side of the family, so I don’t know the extent of the mental issues that run there.
I was a very violent and angry child. I’ve taken my anger out in ways that were unacceptable. It was only over the past few years that I have been able to find a better outlet. One thing I did was constantly break by prescription glasses when I would get angry. Another thing was slam my head against things. There was one point, which I don’t remember, where I threatened to kill my mother with a screwdriver for what she had done to me. She was terrified out of her mind and thought I would kill her when she was asleep.
When I turned five my sister was born. I always wanted to be the only child, and get the attention I deserved, and now with my sister, any kind of attention that could’ve been became non-existent. I hated my sister for being born and supposedly I hurt her.
I was also signed up for lots of activities. Music, swimming, anything else. And, I hated it. If it was learning to play musical instruments, I would hide the instrument so I could get out of doing it. I hated being around other children, and just wanted to be alone in my room. I was most of the time anyway. So, I usually just played video games by myself.
Back then, I remember thinking about death a lot, but it didn’t scare me. I remember thinking about ways I could die and it fascinated me. I had a wooden bunk bed in my room, even though I was the only one that slept in there. But, I remember kicking and pushing as hard as I could with my legs to try and get the top bunk to fall on top of me in hopes that it would kill me. I remember splitting my arm open somehow about an inch when jump on my bed I believe. I don’t know if that’s what happened or just what I was supposed to believe, or if it even was an accident. I still have the scar today.
I remember this one delusion, where I thought there was a girl my age that lived across the street from where my room was. I don’t think I could see her at all, but I thought a girl lived there and thought she was my girlfriend. She monitored everything I did in my room, never judged and was nice. I don’t know if I ever talked to her, nor do I know if she talked to me, perhaps we did. But, I knew she was there always watching me. I felt I was watched by a lot of things, especially in space, but I was not scared or paranoid of it.
Regarding my gender identity, I believe I faintly remember going into my mother’s room and looking at her clothing and shoes, wanting to try them on, perhaps even trying on the shoes. I don’t know. I remember I hated having a penis. I remember so many times having scissors down there about ready to cut it off. Of course, I never did it, wouldn’t have been able to get surgery otherwise. But, I do clearly remember being on the verge of getting rid of it because I didn’t like it. Or perhaps that was also another thought of death I had. I also remember in school someone asked me if I had a penis, and I said, “No, it got cut off.” I denied it because I hated it.
What I also remember is when my mother was watching some movie about men that cross-dressed and were living like women. I remember thinking in my head, that is what I’m going to do when I get older.
As far as school goes, I was very shy and never really talked with anyone. I didn’t really have many friends, but the ones I did have I had a lot of fun with. Though, I was made fun of and bullied. Additionally, I also had a speech impediment and couldn’t say certain letters correctly, so I had to take speech therapy.
I remember I was so scared of using the bathroom in school that I held it all day long. This even continued through high school. Though, when I was younger it was quite difficult holding it for that long and I had some accidents that I’m not proud of. The reason why I hated bathrooms, I don’t know. Perhaps it was related to my body, or some abuse I don’t remember, or a combination of the two. I don’t have a clue.
By the time I turned 10, I had moved in full time with my grandparents and still live there today. I was luckily able to get away from the abuse and live in a comforting household. Though, my problems were only starting to begin.
Preteen & Teen Years
Around age 11 and 12, it was around the time I started to hit puberty. Things drastically turned bad in my life on so many levels. Going through puberty is extremely difficult for any transgender individual. Your body is changing in the opposite way you would like and it is a terrifying experience. I hated the fact that I was getting a deeper voice, facial and body hair, and other things. The hatred I had towards myself was astronomical. I would look in the mirror and say, “I hate you, you ugly slob.” And I would cry so badly when I saw any kind of picture of myself. I didn’t get why people thought I was good looking, because I didn’t see it.
Something else that became very troubling was that my thought process became very distorted. Unexpectedly out of nowhere, I started to become very paranoid of people, thinking they were watching me, reading my thoughts at all times. When they would look at me, they would know instantly what I was thinking. Every time I would think something, it was broadcast outside my head for the whole world to hear. This was very different from how I was prior. I was doing fine, no paranoia, no delusions, I trusted people, and invited them to birthday parties and would go to theirs willingly, but I was usually held back by shyness, that’s it. But after my thoughts changed, I was so paranoid of them, thinking they would hurt me and do me harm.
On top of that, I slowly lost all interest in human interaction. I just wanted to be alone, and I was. I stayed in my room, avoided people, stopped talking with people, including my family. Of course some of this was due to my depressed about my gender identity. Whenever I would talk to my grandmother, I would sit behind a corner so she couldn’t see me. Or, I would put something in the way so she couldn’t look at me. I hated being looked at, because I felt ugly, but also that other people were reading my mind.
These things started to become more and more severe. It got to the point where I put black construction paper on my window to, one block out the sun, and block out anyone who was watching me in my room. I spent most of my time alone in my room, away from even my family.
I was terrified every second I had to leave my room because I thought someone would break in and go through my things. Whenever I would take a shower, I thought my grandmother would go up there and root around. This continued until after I finished high school. So much to the point where I had to lock my door and put a piece of paper under it to see if anyone broke in. But, I also believed that people knew I did this and would put it back the way I had it after they broken in.
I remember around the time I became a teenager or short thereafter, I saw a documentary on TV about this male to female transgender person that was about to undergo SRS. I was so fascinated and said, “That will be me in the future!” Though, back then my plan was very different. I was never going to tell my family. I was going to wait until I was 30 or 40 and had a place of my own, and then I would transition, and purposefully lose all communication with my family. I would shut them out. And, I’m very glad that did not happen.
Middle School – Abuse
In middle school, grades six through eight were the worst. I never fit into any group. I was always the outcast that everyone thought was weird and creepy and made fun of. I could hear them taking about me, whispering negative things about me to one another. After hitting puberty and when I became paranoid and delusional, I was no longer able to really make any friends. I didn’t have a problem before, I was just shy. But, afterwards it became a total inability to communicate effectively with others to make friends. I could not relate and didn’t know how to make friends. This continues to remain with me today.
The people I thought were friends, always turned against me and would do and say things about me to get me down. I was bullied a lot. I was physically and verbally abused.
Verbal abuse was name calling, making fun and teasing. People called me gay a lot, which I knew I wasn’t gay when I was living as a male, because deep down I knew the problem was I was a female. I acted feminine, and had mannerisms that were feminine many times, so that is why people thought I was gay.
Regarding physical abuse, I was slammed around and hit, cornered in the bathroom and threatened to have my pants pulled down. As someone struggling with their gender identity, this made it extremely difficult. But on top of that, I was choked at one point up against the lockers.
There was one incident where we were outside, and there was a group of kids that were calling me over, two or three were from my class. I knew something was suspicious about it, but for some reason, I went over anyway. I kept saying, “What,” to the kid that was calling me. And, they almost seemed to circle me. I knew immediately what was about to happen, and sure enough, one kid pulled my pants down from behind. I didn’t feel anything after that. I pulled them back up and walked away. Someone saw it and told the teacher, not that I was going to or anything. I was not ashamed or embarrassed. I felt nothing and it was quite a weird feeling to not feel anything after someone just did that to you, outside, in front of who knows how many people.
Middle School – Anger
I started to get so angry at everyone. I hated them all for what they did to me. I wanted to kill myself to get away from all this. I thought about it all the time. Additionally, and this is very difficult to admit, but each and every day I fantasized about murdering every last one of those people. I thought about how I would go about it, what I would do to end all their lives. It wasn’t just a fantasy, I planned how I was going to do it, and I was going to do it one day.
It got to the point where I was talking in some weird code that I only understood to someone over the phone, who had it on speaker so their mother could hear, and I knew this, but continued my weird talk. How I was talking, it certainly seemed like I was contemplating murder. This person’s mother spoke to my grandmother about her concern and she asked if I was planning on killing someone. My grandmother thought this, so I knew it was serious. But, that’s not all. It was so severe that one day when I was away, my family went into my room and looked through all my belongings to see if they could find anything. This was yet another confirmation that I should never trust anyone. If I can’t even trust my family, who could I trust?
I hated that school and the people in it. There was a graduation and I refused to go. The class was small, under 15 kids, so it wouldn’t have been hard for people to tell that I wasn’t there. But, my family was upset that I refused to go. My mother came by my grandmother’s house where I was to find me and make me go to the graduation. I remember hiding in the closet, crying, wishing she would go away, wishing it would all end. I had the feeling she would find me, and sure enough she opened the closet door and found me. I remember I was dragged out of the house, but I refused to go and fought as hard as I could. I was grabbing the hand railing outside and gripping it like my life depended on it because I just couldn’t go back to that school. She gave up, but was so angry that I didn’t go to the graduation. But none of them understood how traumatizing my years were there.
High School – Abuse
Before entering high school, I had all intention of killing myself. I thought it would be much worse than middle school, but it surprisingly wasn’t. The high school was a vocational school and I got into technical drafting. It wasn’t my first choice, but it was quite fun. We pretty much did architectural drafts of houses and used AutoCAD software. We had this awesome 3D printer that could print actual physical models of things created in the software. I was the only one who knew how to work it for quite some time.
Though, I still never fit into any group. The group of friends I seemed to have, I didn’t really feel like I belonged. I still felt like an outcast, unable to relate to anyone. I was still made fun of, people called me gay, loser, nerd. I practically wore the same set of clothes. I had an all grey, blue, and black outfit. I always wore long pants, even in summer to cover up my legs. My clothing was plain and boring and I didn’t want to bring any intention to myself. People would make fun of me for this. Saying I was poor and couldn’t afford clothes, making fun of practically anything else they could. I remember one remark when I wore all black, someone said, “Is this your Goth day? Are you going to go cry in the corner and cut yourself?”
When it was time for PE class, we were supposed to get changed, but I never did. The first year I never entered the changing rooms. The second year I did but only to store my bag, and to make the teacher think I changed. But, was quick about getting out because I was suspicious something bad was going to happen.
I still never used the bathroom all day. At that point, I was terrified of going in there. I felt awkward being in the male’s bathroom, but I also had the suspicion that something bad was going to happen to me in there. Additionally, high school was the time I stopped eating at school. I was so shy that I didn’t want people to even see me eat food. People would make fun of me for this too. They would say things like I was anorexic. I was very thin, and did have fear of gaining weight, even though I was, and still am, underweight. Though, it wasn’t about that, it was because I didn’t want people to watch me consume food.
Though, when we had a class party, I would eat a little. And, after you build up a reputation of not eating for so long, people find it weird to see you eating. Some people would say, “Oh, you’re finally eating. I thought you were some creature that never ate.” Stuff like that which was very stupid and embarrassing.
People thought I did drugs because of how my eyes were. I don’t know what they were talking about but apparently my eyes had a lot of erratic movement and were always dilated and I was blinking a lot.
I clearly remember a girl telling me that she was feeling depressed. She asked me if I ever got depressed, and I answered, “No, I don’t ever get depressed.” This was not a lie either because I truly did not feel depressed. I was never happy, never depressed, I don’t know what I felt, I was apathetic, unable to experience any emotion. But at that time, I was not even aware of this.
There was one kid that I will talk a little bit about now. One really dumb thing I remember him saying was, “This is high school. You’re supposed to lose your virginity in high school.” And I’m just thinking, “Oh my gosh, are you serious? Do you seriously think like that?” He then tried to hook me up with these girls, and it was very embarrassing. But of course no one was ever interested, and I wasn’t interested either. I didn’t love myself, so how could I possibly expect someone else to love me. I had never been in a relationship up to that point, and still remain to be completely inexperienced in relationships. I’ve never been in a relationship, and people find this hard to believe.
This individual would constantly unplug my computer. As it would load, unplug. Working on a project, unplug. He would spit on my mouse and keyboard so I couldn’t use it. Very annoying and I would get pissed and he wanted to see me angry. I remember him taking photographs of me. I believe there was several he printed out or used in some kind of way that was demeaning. When I would see him with his camera, I ran over there and snatched it out of his hand and threw it across the room. This has been a very big trigger for me, even today. When people unexpectedly take photographs of me, I want to break their device. I’ve even deleted all photos off someone’s camera before because they got one of me.
Anyway, another stupid thing he did which is amusing looking back on it now actually, was there was this large fan in the room and he had it blowing towards me, and that by itself was getting me angry. But, he had a bottle of cinnamon that he would sprinkle in the back of the fan so it would blow on me. And he would keep asking me, “Oh, do you feel that?!” Or would just get it on me when walking in the hallway. And I got pissed and grabbed it and threw it in the trash.
Somehow he discovered my password to log into my computer and gave it out to people. He logged in and put a whole bunch of documents of random things and inappropriate, pornographic pictures on my hard drive. But, one time when I was logging in, he apparently changed my wallpaper to some nerdy girl or something and I immediately turned my monitor off because it was so embarrassing and I hoped no one saw it. Sometime later, I manage to hack into the computer, since I was able to figure out how to make any account an administrator account. So, I did this to my account and was able to change my password so he could not log in anymore. The next day he said something like, “What happened to your account? I cannot log on as you anymore.” Such as smart remark.
Now, the worst of what he did. He made a MySpace profile of me. I didn’t want one at all. I hated MySpace and everyone talking about it. He kept threatening that he would do it one day, and one day he finally did. He started to add people from my classes that obviously knew me. And, I overheard someone saying to someone else that I had a MySpace profile. I luckily managed to find this profile and looked over it and was devastated. I don’t remember what it said about me, but I know I was listed as gay, bi, or confused, or something of that nature. It was all wrong and so embarrassing. I just began crying uncontrollably and was so upset. I took it upon myself to contact MySpace and wrote a very nice email saying that someone made a fake profile of me. And, within 24 hours they responded and deleted the profile. I was so relieved. I remember that kid saying something like, “Did you hack your MySpace page and delete it?” I denied being involved in the deletion of that profile. Because I didn’t want him to know it was me, because I knew he would do something much worse.
High School – Anger & Delusions
I was the person that so many people thought would bring a gun to school and kill everyone. As they were abusing me, they would say some smart remark like, “I didn’t do it as bad as he did so you should spare my life when you shoot up the school.” That’s not something you joke about. I kept saying that I would never hurt anyone, that I would never do that sort of thing. But there was a side of me that was very angry, who hated not only myself, but everyone else. I did want to kill them all, just like the feeling I had in middle school. Though, what was different was that I was no longer going to do it directly. Meaning, if I were to kill them, it would be a secret and no one would know.
I looked into dark magic, the occult, voodoo. I think I seriously considered using these tools to harm them and even attempted it to some degree. Though, I then stopped and decided against it, and instead used similar tools to bring about good in my life. This was the time in my life where I got interested in a lot of supernatural things and others made fun of me for this too. Thinking I was weird and crazy for what I believed in.
This was the time my delusional thinking got severe. I’ll start with the least most bizarre one. I thought I had psychic powers. I actually wrote a paper for class about psychic powers and which ones I possessed. I said I could do these things and was working on doing them. Let me tell ya how scared the teacher was after that. She use to go right up to my desk to give me back papers, but after this paper was turned in, she literally leaned over the person in front of me to give me back my paper, and didn’t really say much of anything after that. I knew she was scared of me for what she read.
Another thought, well, we were on computers in one class. They were in rows and I was in the middle row, and there were computers behind me, next to me, and in front of me. I was surrounded by computers. Each and every year, over the course of the year, very slowly, each computer would start acting weird. It started with mine, then the ones next to me, then the ones further away. It was a radius that grew slowly over the school year. And this happened each year too. This was very weird. I began to think I had some electromagnetic force that was causing this. There was something special about me that was causing it.
Lastly, and this is the most severe one, I had a Messiah complex. I didn’t think I was God, I knew there was a higher power, but I believed I was perhaps chosen by God to bring about good things and save the universe from destruction. I knew there was something special about me. Something I must do in order to save the universe. Not just Earth, the entire universe. I truly thought, 100%, that the day supposedly when the Earth would end, December 21st, 2012, that it had significant meaning for me. I wrote a paper about that day, addressing the theory of the end of the Earth. I remember saying that if it was the end of the Earth and millions of people died, that it would be for the best, to rid the world of evil. Immediately people were like, “Whoa!”
I didn’t believe the Earth would end that day, rather I thought it was the day that my physical body would converge with the spiritual world and I would become immortal, making me able to save the universe. This was all a very serious thought in my mind, and I was dedicated to living and fulfilling that purpose. I never said this to anyone back then because I knew they would try and take that power away from me, stopping me from fulfilling my destiny. I know if this delusion continued to grow, and it came time for me to sacrifice myself to fulfill my destiny, then I would’ve died because of this delusion that I had.
I also had these psychotic or dissociative episodes in class. Things changed so much, I was not myself, talking to things that were not there, using a fake telephone to communicate. I came into class one time and moved my desk to the side, stumbling around. So many people thought I was high on something. They were laughing at my behavior, but I wasn’t in any fear of judgment. I was talking to people freely, no shyness or resistance. Then when I would snap out of it I was like, “What is going on here?” I honestly felt out of place, out of reality, then all of a sudden just came back to reality. Some people told me what I did, and I denied it. I may not have known about it, or was just embarrassed to admit what I did.
High School – Aftermath
When high school was nearing its end, it was senior year and since it was a vocational school, learning a specific trade, the school encourages its students to have a job senior year. How it worked, for our class at least, the morning classes were normal, while the afternoon we had our trade. And, we were to look for jobs that would take over that class period. So after lunch, the students would leave class and go to their job. I was the only one without a job. I didn’t have a car to get there first of all, but also, I don’t believe in working for someone else. I rather do my own thing.
So, I was alone in the class and there was nothing to do. So, the teacher recommended something to do during that time period and I did it. So, what I did senior year in the afternoon was help special education students that went to the school. I saw the same ones certain days, and it ranged from 9th to 12th graders. It was a lot of fun working with them.
When it was graduation day, I did go, even though I was sick and almost unable to. That was the only event I went to. I never went to any homecoming or prom, didn’t do any of that, or any other event from that school. But, I was finally done with the school and was so glad to be out of there.
I didn’t have any plans on going to college, mainly because I wanted isolation. I hated being around people and was finally glad it was over. Though my family had different plans. They made me go to college. I had to take an entry exam, but I intentionally failed it so I wouldn’t place. They were shocked I got the lowest class selection. I went to some classes a few time, but ended up stop going after a few weeks because it was so painfully difficult being around people. My family never even knew for quite some time, and they were extremely disappointed when they found out I dropped out in the first month. They kept setting rules for me to either go to college or get a job. Neither of which I was doing.
I did my own thing, and was self-employed. I am self-taught with most of the skills I have today. I designed my own website, started a small business in a sense, or what was going to be a small business but is just an online website. I even entered a competition with the state I live in and won the most innovative award for this business website. After that, I stopped associating with people altogether, and my gender identity issues started creeping back up on me. I knew I had to transition because I became so depressed again. It was a very difficult time in my life up to that point, but once I finally began to transition, so much changed in my life.
Thinking back on all that now, none of it seems real. It almost all seems like a dream, or like it didn’t happen to me. But in the end it did, and there is no amount of thinking, wishing, or dissociating, that will change my past. No childhood is better than the one I do have, and my teen years were the darkest time in my life I remember. It is what it is. There is also a lot that I am not willing to share, but I’m sure there is a lot more that I am forgetting since it was a very difficult time that I blocked most of it out. I feel like my family is hiding things from me that would definitely explain a lot.
I am more comfortable with telling complete strangers my most personal details because who cares if they judge me if I will never know them personally. My family on the other hand, I don’t feel I can really share anything with. They currently don’t know about these videos that I do, or even 75% of what happened to me and how I think. I’ll keep it a secret.
I still struggle with many issues today. The paranoia and delusions are not as severe as they were back then, but are different now. I still have delusions of grandeur, thinking I am special in some way, perhaps not human, and people want to take away what I possess. Though I have learned that everyone is equal, including myself. It’s just difficult when dealing with a disorder that makes one think they are greater than they really are. It makes me sound narcissistic, which is not how I like to be portrayed. It also sets me up for disappointment when I realize my thinking is flawed.
I feel like most of the time I wear a mask to cover up the real me. Who I really am is so vulnerable and traumatized. I feel the core of my being lies deep in a corner of my mind. So, I put on a mask and be someone who is not vulnerable and traumatized, so I can go about my life and not feel so miserable. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how much I cover it up or deny, my past will never change.
It is still painfully difficult to interact with other people. I try to avoid it at all costs. I never let any get close to me. Though, there was one person that I let get very close to me. I called this person my best friend, which is something I’ve never had before. I felt like I could share anything, without fear of judgment. I had never felt that way about anyone else before.
But, one day, the communication stopped and excuses were made. I was so devastated that someone that close to me, closer than I let anyone else in my entire life get to me, would do that. I felt so betrayed and stupid for ever letting that individual get that close to me. That experience has confirmed even more so that I should never let anyone get close to me. If that one person that I finally felt a true connection with, that I trusted, that I let get closer to me than anyone else had, betrayed me, then who can I trust? Why should I bother trusting anyone ever again if I know they will do the same as this individual? I’m not putting myself at risk like that. I prefer to be alone then lied to, deceived, and heartbroken.
To be completely honest, these videos and the communication with you all are the only things I look forward to in my life. I don’t do anything else. I am at home 95% of the time, and usually only go out to doctors appointments and therapy. If it weren’t for that, I would probably be at home for months at a time. I’ve been like this practically since I graduated from high school. So it’s been about five years now. It’s not like I really have much of any friends to go out with, because I really don’t have many friends. Actually, I only have one friend, and we talk occasionally. But other than that, that’s all I have.
My family, to be completely honest, I want to move away from and never see them again. I don’t know why, but I do. I guess I want to live all by myself, with no communication with anyone. But, then I think my life would take a very dark turn. But, if that’s how things will be, then oh well.
There are many underlying reasons why someone would change their sex. One theory has to do with hormone levels in the womb. The body and brain develop independently. So, a male body could have a female brain. But in the end, whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the happiness of the individual after transitioning.
Perhaps the reason I wanted to be a female when I was born a male was to dissociate from the trauma and abuse that had been done to me. Developing a new person, both physically and mentally. New personality. Change my body to rid myself of any physical abuse. Change my mind to rid myself of any emotional abuse and abandonment. And, change my genitals to rid myself of any sexual abuse. Creating a new person that is free from trauma, to start a new life. Someone that is happier and able to do the things that the male identity could’ve never done. This was all very successful, but there is no escaping my past and still much to be worked on if I plan on having a future.
I thank anyone who has watched this entire video. Thank you so much!
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I decided to go back to my past, reexamine my life, my choices, and how I got to where I am today. It took a bit to even discover these things that I blocked out long ago. I felt like I was reliving it all over again. But, I pushed through, made a video about what I went through and it helped me so much! Also, I even posted this on December 21st, which was a date that I felt was important for me in 2012 due to some irrational thoughts I had. It was even my longest video at almost 40 minutes. I even drew up some illustrations specifically for this video. (I’m not good at drawing OK!)
Of course, I felt a bit insecure after posting this since it was so personal, but one of my most important videos. I was anticipating people saying negative things, and in all honesty, I don’t really care at this point. People saying that what I went through is not trauma or not ‘traumatic enough’ to cause me to develop the conditions I had. Well, me not taking that personally is a sign of how I have grown since I KNOW my past and how I coped with it is what brought about the negative things in my life. And, I’m working so hard to overcome that…AND SUCCEEDING!!! It may be slow and I may, at times, feel hopeless like nothing will ever get better, but I reflect back and see how much progress I have made!
Also, someone pointed out a contradiction where I said I never used the bathroom, yet I said that kids cornered me in the bathroom. I never even noticed this contradiction until someone pointed it out. It was in middle school where we had to walk through the bathrooms to get to gym class since they were connected. That is when it would happen. I never ‘used’ the bathrooms, but I did go in them. So, that is how it appeared to be contradictory.
My name is Autumn Asphodel and I am a motivator and coach to help others live a better life through natural means, hard work, and dedication. After overcoming my own obstacles in life, such as trauma and abuse, and struggling with my gender identity, I embarked on the path of self-healing and am teaching others how they can do the same to overcome hard times in their own life.