Hi everyone! I thought I’d answer some more of your questions and read back weird messages.
In regards to dilation:
Q: how can you regain lost depth?
A: Well, if you do not dilate regularly and lose depth, it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to regain lost depth. This is especially crucial during the scar retraction phase when it becomes very difficult to dilate. If you skip, it will be harder, and it may begin to retract to the point where it no longer stretches to the correct depth. Keep up with the dilation despite the difficulty and in the end you will realize it was worth it.
Q: Were you employed when you had SRS?
A: No actually, I wasn’t. I can’t imagine having to work a full schedule while trying to fit in multiple dilations a day.
Q: Why did you choose the name Autumn, does it have a special meaning or do you like the name?
A: Well, I like the name Autumn. It’s nice. My full name is actually Autumn Lilith Asphodel. Is that my real name, maybe, maybe not? Can you figure out the meaning of the entire name?
Q: I was wondering what area of the country you’re at. You accent reminds me of some parts of Long Island NYC area. But i may be wrong.
A: It does? It reminds you of Long Island, NY. Interesting. Well, I may be from there and I may not be. I’m from somewhere over there. Somewhere on the east coast. I have been told I have an accent. I don’t know. I have a speech impediment I know that. I talk differently.
Q: How is masterbation possible with the effects of hormones making the penis flacid.
A: That’s a good question. For me, it was possible even with very low testosterone levels, and there was no difficulty getting an erection. Maybe my age had something to do with it. Also, since I still had testicles, testosterone was still being produced so maybe that helped. I couldn’t tell ya since there was not a part in my transition that I had a penis but no testicles. Maybe someone whose body is like that can answer?
Q: How do you feel about guys who have gone through S.R.S to be the girl they feel they should be? Are you attracted to trans girls?
A: It doesn’t matter to me. I am mainly attracted to femininity. However, I have to say, I would prefer to not date someone who has gone through what I’ve gone through. But of course, that would be something that we could share in common, but I don’t think I could do it. Just like with mental disorders, I don’t think I could do that. Of course I am very open to the idea since who knows what may happen. Then again, I don’t want a relationship and prefer being alone, so I am happy by myself.
This was in regards to my paranoid thoughts and delusions:
Q: Does explaining these things through the alter that believes them help integrate?
A: Well, the one that was speaking in that video was the host, which is why it was so difficult to do. The host is the one that suffers the most from the delusions, mainly because there is no logic there. The protectors, for example, still have those thoughts but they are logical about it. The would be like, “Oh, someone’s poisoning my food? No, that can’t be right.” Despite the fact that those thoughts still enter their mind.
There are times when they are out somewhere and eating food and logic begins to go away and everything begins to get out of control and get psychotic, which is not dissociation by the way. This is when things blur and I don’t really know what’s going on since my reality becomes distorted. It is so incredibly terrifying and I just want it to go away, but it won’t.
This was also in regards to paranoia and delusions:
Q: Why do you feel you shouldn’t get help or medication? Is it because you feel able to live happily with the beliefs you describe? Or that you feel that any treatment wouldn’t work or would be inappropriate, perhaps because your beliefs are an important part of you?
A: Well, I am getting help with the issues, including a lot of self-help as well. I just didn’t want people to say something like, “Oh, you’re crazy, you need to get help.” I do not live happily with those beliefs. It’s what is destroying me, preventing me from living to my full potential. Some people just say, “Just take medication and it will fix it all.” It doesn’t. It masks the problem. I do not believe or trust medication. I think it would take more from me than it would help.
I am working hard at overcoming the obstacle. And, it’s not easy, but I know one day I will be able to look back and see how far I’ve come. I already have done this with many things, especially my transition. But, that’s been relatively easy compared to mental disorders. But, I believe in myself, and I know I can do it. And to anyone else out there, you can do it as well.
Q: You were saying masking the problem doesnt help and getting to the root is necessary, that all sounds great but then youre a transgender. Where did the original boy go that was unhappy? did he get healed or covered up?
A: That’s a good question. I don’t consider being transgender a mental disorder. I mean, one could argue that it is a body image issue, such as body dysmorphic disorder. However, when you get to transgender related issues, it becomes more complex. A person is a different gender inside their mind then they are physically. So, another could argue that it is a birth defect. Being born with a penis instead of a vagina, or vice versa.
When it comes to getting to the root of the issue, it’s not so much getting to the root of being transgender, but rather the emotions that are associated with being transgender prior to transitioning. For me, I was very depressed and I hated who I was. I knew the issue was that I was born in the wrong body. The only way to fix this was to transition. After that, I learned to love and accept myself. It cleared up many of the self-hate issues I had. The boy that I was is no more, he is gone. The person I am now is the one I was always meant to be. The boy that was there was never meant to exist. But, he did. And, through him, I was able to become the person I am today which is much happier than he could’ve ever been.
So the first weird message can be considered disrespectful, but I actually really like it:
WM: im sorry but this women’s eyes are scary!!!! I cant even look into them I feel like shes gonna jump out the monitor and kill me.
A: Thank you! I’ve been waiting for someone to say this.
WM: You are so beautiful, would you like to fly to paris with me? I want a Ltr. please please sit on my lap and we can make out. [PHONE NUMBER] come move in my virginia mansion.
This guy again:
WM: I will drill your asshole until it bloods.
A: Oooh, baby. I would love for you to drill my asshole until it bloods.
Same dude again:
WM: You scary me! :(
All right, I don’t get this next one at all. This was posted on my dissociative identity disorder video:
WM: Being gay is a proven DNA gene disorder. This is a man w/ that problem. Some people are born with it some have only 1 gene marker from 1 parent so they do it to themselves with chemicals and alcohol. This guy has both the genes from both parents. That’s the reason why he got this after puberty and doing street drugs.
A: What does that mean? Street drugs? What are you talking about? Are you referencing the video? This has to be one of the weirdest, unrelated comments I have ever read. What is that?
WM: hey princess, i love the music and the extreme sports and u? please tell me the color of your eyes and hair because you are very beautiful :)
I don’t get this conversation at all:
WM: Based on your personality it’s hard for me to believe that you’ve never had sex.
When I questioned this, they said:
WM: What I meant is that you seem relatively outgoing. You’re also open about sexuality.
WM: Some people might get the wrong impression that you’re not wholesome because of how much your privacy has been invaded.
A: All this has confused, shocked, and disappointed me. I think some people get the wrong impression of how I really am. And, this upsets me greatly. No one knows the real me.
I am not outgoing at all. I am incredibly private. My privacy has not been invaded by doing these videos. ‘Privacy’ does not exist in my world. For anyone who hasn’t seen my video on paranoia and delusions, that would explain a lot about my life. [Paranoia & Delusions] In other words, thought broadcasting. Some people might think this sounds crazy and just not understand, but this is all very real to me.
So, coming on here and actually verbalizing those things does not expose my privacy since I feel as though it has already been exploited. I do not hold back details. I am open and honest about everything, including my sexuality, so it is educational to those that need information at the expense of my own personal ‘privacy’ which is non-existent.
Another one by a different user:
WM: you saying you are a virgin? some how i dont believe you
A: Why? Gosh, some of these ridiculous people. I just wanna…ehh. Why is it so hard for people to accept the fact that I have never had sex, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, and never been kissed? Tell me, why is that difficult to understand? I just don’t get it. Rather, people just don’t understand me. And, that is very upsetting.
And the last set of messages are all from the same guy who was very misinformed about dissociative identity disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Regarding DID, he said:
WM: MORE peer-review on how fake your tumblr illness is. Stop believing you are multiple identities. You are taking very normal human feelings and reactions and skewing it into a disorder so you can feel like a special snowflake. The paper below concludes that DID is primarily an iatrogenic condition. Isn’t that exactly how it happened with you? You literally had no actual “disorder” until you went to a psychologist, and it deteriorated and amplified after they “diagnosed” you.
A: Uh, no. That is completely false. Nothing amplified whatsoever. If anything, it was the opposite since I was able to learn about it and how to deal with it.
WM: Have fun with your made-up illness.
A: Not only is this incredibly offensive to me, but to everyone who truly has DID. Evidence to suggest that DID is iatrogenic is unreliable. It is very serious and real. A strong piece of validation is hypnotic susceptibility. When you understand that, then you can see how real and serious the disorder is. [Proof of DID]
However, there is some validation with what you say. Many psychologists should not be trusted. They diagnose you with disorders you don’t have or have very mildly, and it deteriorate, as you said, from there. While they make people take medication, all to make a profit.
When it comes to DID, there are people who get diagnosed with it, overthink things, and do end up splitting their personality or making the condition worse. I did discuss this in my video on alters for anyone who is interested in knowing about that. [Alters & Personalities] However, to say that the entire disorder is based on this is incorrect. There truly are people out there that suffer from this disorder, but not everyone out there that has it, truly has it. Make sense?
Lastly, I discussed a specific traumatic event that occurred in 2012 on an online dating site [Dating Site Catastrophe], and he made a remark saying:
WM: Are you really comparing this to a traumatic event? I can’t picture a soldier or a child abuse victim recounting their trauma, grinning the entire time, completely in control of their emotions. Traumatic events “COMPLETELY overwhelm the individual’s ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience”. Like seeing someone get shot in the head, or being raped. This is a failed online relationship that hurt your feelings. You seem to be coping fine = NOT TRAUMA.
A: All right, the first thing I need to clear up is that this was not a failed online relationship. There was no need for a relationship. Just completely throw out the fact that it was on a dating site. That’s trivial compared to what actually happened. Next, as I was reading back the situation that occurred, no emotions were present because they are automatically masked by a smile. I cannot express my emotions properly. Yet you thought it was a good idea to point that out and criticize me for it. Very disrespectful.
Also, what makes you think that I am coping fine? Because I’m not. Trauma is different for everyone. And in my case, this specific trauma was very severe. It was bullying and emotional abuse and manipulation. That is trauma. She has made me so incredibly paranoid of her. The situation relives itself almost daily because I think a great number of people I communicate with online are her. The event completely distorted my perception of who is real and who isn’t. It’s ridiculous the number of people I’ve been in contact with that I find suspicious and think it is somehow linked to her. There are some very shady people that have been in contact with me. And, very negative emotions come up which is trauma.
Alright, that’s all for now. Thanks for watching!