Hi everyone! I thought I’d share with you something very serious. It’s about some of my paranoid thoughts and delusions. It is something that is very difficult for me to discuss because I do not like to show this side of me since I feel vulnerable. I’ve never told anyone this information. But, I’m doing this to be open and honest and for people who have the same kind of thinking to not feel so alone, like I have thought my whole life.
I was not always aware of my delusions, and many people with them aren’t. Being able to understand schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and delusions in general, has allowed me to realize what is off about my thinking, the things that most people do not believe. [Schizophrenia | Schizoaffective Disorder] But, just because I am aware and can identify it, doesn’t mean that I dismiss it. To me, all of what I am about to say is very real and very serious.
Some people may say that I shouldn’t overthink things and shouldn’t believe such things. But, I find that offensive because there is no arguing since my beliefs are very real to me. I can’t just change them just because someone thinks it’s unreasonable. Additionally, I will sound very self-centered in this video due to my beliefs.
I know many people will find this crazy, because it sometimes sounds crazy to me. But, I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me for the things I’m about to say. I do not like that. And, I want to apologize to everyone for the negativity in this video. I do not like negativity so it makes it even harder. This could even be offensive or disturbing to some people.
I also wanted to say that this video might not be safe for anyone who is incredibly paranoid like myself. I don’t want to give anyone any ideas, trigger any bad feelings, or make anyone even more paranoid. This has happened to me when reading about and watching others who are very delusional. So, please watch at your own risk.
I don’t think many people take me seriously a lot of times because of how inappropriate my emotions are. I am always smiling, even when talking about very serious things. And, this happens automatically to mask how something really affects me. No one has ever seen me upset and cry because I suppress it until I’m alone. Plus, many times the emotions aren’t even there.
It is very upsetting when people think you are lying and faking and don’t take me seriously because of not being able to express how I am truly feeling. I feel very vulnerable, so I do not show how I really am at the deepest level. The smile is just nothing more than a way to hide myself. Saying that is an incredibly difficult thing for me to do.
Another thing is, the one who many times is in front of the camera, is not the one who writes about the problems. And thus, the emotions are not there. Because the issues are hidden very deep to avoid that vulnerability. But, despite how difficult it is for me, I wanted to make a video myself, from the source if you will, the one with the problems.
So, I think there is a very big conspiracy that surrounds me where everyone is out to get me and to do me harm. I believe everyone I associate with communicates with one another about me and they all share the same knowledge of me. They put cameras all in my house, tracking devices in my body, watching me from satellites in space, or with snipers ready to fire. All of my communications are monitored. There is no such thing as privacy. These people, including my family since I cannot trust anyone, drug my food up, at home, when I’m out. Anywhere and everywhere. Why? Because they want me to suffer.
Everyone knows about me and the abilities I possess. And, they want to take them for themselves, even by force if necessary. These people drug my food when I’m out and I can feel the effects of it when they do it. I start to feel loopy then it escalates into not being able to get my words out. They can either drug me with mind altering medication they think I need to be on to ‘cure’ me, since I do not take any. Or, with some kind of poison. Perhaps even having tracking devices in the food so it stays implanted in my body.
My therapist and my friends I had they all record my voice when I’m talking with them and replay it with all their friends, just to get a good laugh, yeah. I don’t like to leave the house because I feel vulnerable and at risk. So, I generally stay at home most of the time. The longest time in a row was six weeks without leaving the house.
There have been times when I’m alone in the house, or so I think I am, taking a shower and hear someone break in. They went upstairs and I could hear them above me since the shower is on the first floor. I was just terrified out of my mind. I slowly got out of the shower and was careful about making any noise. I didn’t want to be scared, so I became angry. I wanted to stand up to this person who broke into my house. I slowly left the bathroom and grabbed two large knives from the kitchen and quickly checked the basement and the first floor. And afterwards, I slowly made my way upstairs, just terrified and angry. And, I searched all the rooms and closets, and there was no one.
There was another incident where I was driving home and was one block away from the street I turn on and there were these guys that looked over at me. They saw where I turned and I thought they would see the car that I drove, and they would figure out the house that I live in and would break into my house. And, within a half hour of getting home by myself, I was in my room with the door closed and I heard someone come up the steps and walk by the door. And, I thought it was those guys that broke in. But, there was no one.
Whenever I see people talking, it’s always about me, and how weird I am, just laughing at me. When my family or anyone else is on the phone, they are talking about me. They all can read my thoughts and know exactly what I’m thinking at all times. Whenever I am in a silent room with other people, I feel like I am just screaming my thoughts out loud and everyone can hear. So, I’m not even safe in my head.
It use to be very difficult for me to leave the house when someone else was going to be home. Or even when I was downstairs and someone was upstairs where my room is. I just thought they would go through all my stuff, destroy my belongings. Whenever I would leave the house, I would close my door, lock it, and put a small piece of paper in the crack of the door so when I got home I could check to see if anyone broke in. But of course, they knew that I did this and they broke in anyway, and they put it back exactly how I left it.
I never give my contact information like email address to anyone, not even my family. This is because I don’t want the communication with people and they would sign my email address to some spam database. The first time I gave it to someone, they never used it for the intended purpose and I immediately just starting getting spam. Just got tons and tons of spam and I blamed it on them. Spam me.
People who say positive things to me have hidden agendas. Their actual goal is to try and be nice to get my hopes up so they can devastate me in the end. Taking away everything I have, leaving me with nothing to look forward to. I take offense to statements regarding how similar someone is to me. Because, I know deep down that there is no one that can understand and relate. I have absolutely nothing in common with anyone and that is the way I like it.
After all that being said, I fear that people will know now that I am aware of their motives and they will become more vicious with their approach to get me. But, I am trying to be strong and stand up to those that are out to get me. I had to come out of hiding, which is why I started these videos. There is no such thing as privacy in my world, so I was just like, “Oh, why not just come on here and say everything?” It’s not like people don’t already know what my thoughts are anyway. Because they already know. They know. Everyone knows.
So anyway, I want to thank anyone who watched this video and didn’t think I was some creepy weirdo who needs to get help, be on meds, or be in some mental ward since I know a lot of people think this. Thank you!
My first very personal video, which was about my paranoid thoughts and delusions. This was so difficult to do since I felt I was going to be judged for my beliefs. I was terrified of being made fun of since it’s all I knew my entire life. This was all very real to me. I truly had these paranoid thoughts in the past. After transitioning it certainly got better, but I became aware of them. I showed my ‘real self’ during the part where I was talking about my paranoia. It was scripted but so difficult to read. I tried to record it when I was actually having some of these thoughts so I would know what it was like when watching it back. Doing it was helpful for me since I learned even more about myself.